Everyone has their own set of unwritten rules when it comes to first dates.
Drinks or coffee, then dinner if things seem to be going well. If you met on an app or website, wait to give your phone number until you've met in person. Never, under any circumstances, do you go back to your place or theirs.
However, making these rules difficult is that two people seldom have the same set of rules when it comes to a first date, often leading to an unintentional test as to whether or not there will be a second date.
A recent Redditor recently found herself scolded by a first date all owing to her behavior afterward.
While the original poster (OP) didn't think she did anything wrong, her date went so far as to call her disrespectful.
Wondering if that was really the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for seeing a friend after going on a date?"
The OP shared how her date was less than thrilled to learn her evening continued after he went home.
"I (29 F[emale]) went on a date with a guy (38M) last night."
"We went to a couple of bars."
"We were having drinks and I excuse myself to go to the restroom."
"While in there I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in years."
"She asked me to come have a few drinks with her."
"I told her I couldn't because I was on a date but if she was still there when I was leaving I'd look out for her."
"I return to my date, told him I bumped into an old friend."
"We stay for further hour/1.5."
"He has to get home as he starts work early."
"By this time we'd been out together for around 4 hours."
"We finish our drinks, I walk out with him and we say our goodbyes."
"He lives a 5 minute walk from the bar."
"I head back into the bar to use the restroom again as my journey is about 45 minutes."
'I have a quick look for my old friend but she sees me leaving the restroom and asks me to hang back for a catch up - which I happily do."
"The next day my date messages me asking if I stayed out after our date."
"I said yes.'
'He was really cold with me."
'I asked if something was wrong and he basically said it was disrespectful of me to stay out once our date was over."
"I'm totally confused here and wondering if it was bad dating etiquette?"
"AITA for catching up with a friend after a date?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for catching up with her friend after her date went home.
Everyone agreed that the OP did absolutely nothing wrong, with many finding the behavior of her date controlling and disconcerting and urged the OP not to go on a second date with him.
"NTA."
"Never heard of a bad date etiquette, especially post-date."
"What a weird and strange thing to be upset about."
"Your date was finished, which means you're free to do whatever you want."
"I'd be wary of any future dates with him."- NepNep90
"Actually that seems like an amazing unintended litmus test to see if ol boy respected your friendships and how controlling he would be."
"I would bet anything he expects his partners to only socialize with him present."
"NTA what a beautiful way to dodge a buIIet well done OP."- ReasonableCookie9369
"NTA."
"Your time is your time."
"What a weird thing to get upset about."
"I'd see this as a HUGE red flag and be glad he showed this side early on."
"Ick."- el-ay-cee
"That's code for 'if you didn't immediately have to go home and go to bed, you should have come to my place'."
"Don't waste anymore time with him."
"NTA."- mdthomas
"NTA."
"What he means is 'If you are not going immediately to your own bed after our date, then you should be going to mine'."
"Anything else is 'disrespectful'."
"You don't owe this dude every moment of your time."
"It's good that this happened now."- Aggravating_Start411
"NTA."
"One date and he already thinks he gets to dictate what you should do with your life."
"Please take that as a sign not to have a second date with him."- Biera1
"NTA and after a first date this is a red flag."
"The guy is controlling and I think it's highly likely that he chose to date a woman almost a decade his junior precisely because he thought she'd be easier to control."
"And how did he know to ask if you had stayed out after the date?"
"What prompted him to ask that?"
"Beware, old boy might have stalked you after saying his goodbyes."- Jolly_Tooth_7274
"NTA."
"I think he dropped those on the way home."
"Luckily he showed his true colors early."
"If he's acting like that now, how controlling will he be if you end up together?"
"Please, don't contact him again and block him on everything."- UnfairTemperature369
"NTA."
"He's prying into your business."- 3xlduck
"NTA."
"The date was over; you don't need to answer to him about what you did after the date."
"Perhaps you could ask him to give you specifics of what he has done without you since the date?"
"He is the a**hole here."- MsJamieFast
"NTA."
"Don't give this guy another date."
"This is weirdly controlling behavior."- UrsaGeorge
"I think he was expecting you to go home with him and is now being gross about it as if he feels wronged."
"Throw the whole man away."
"NTA."- Spare-Article-396
"NTA."
"He ended the date."
"You visited with an old friend."
"What business is this of his?"- Wishiwashome
"The only way this could possibly be remotely inappropriate on your part is if you used a white lie to end the date, like, 'Boy, I need to get to sleep soon'."
"And then stayed out and blatantly contradicted yourself to him the next day."
"But I'm pretty sure you would have mentioned it if you were trying to end the date."
"So NTA and stay the heck away from that guy."
"He's weirdly controlling, or trying to be."- clauclauclaudia
"Lol is this person for real?!"
"NTA you barely know this guy at all, been on one date with him, what you do after the date is your business and not his."
"I wouldn't go on a second date with this controlling loser."- mind_like_the_ocean
"NTA."
"He can't control what you do."
"This is a big red flag."
"You may want to think twice before going on a second date with him."- TheLuvBub
"NTA."
"Did he expect you had to go home just because he wanted to go home?"
"The only thing I can think of is if your friend was a guy and your date somehow felt jealous and insecure that you're on another date after going on a date with him."
"But that's not even the case since it sounds like your friend is female and you told him that you bumped into her."
"Anyway, this would be a red flag to me to continue dating this guy."
"Proceed with caution."- sour_lemons
"NTA enjoy your life you barely know this guy!"- Old_Administration72
"NTA."
"I suspect he thinks you stayed at the bar to pick up guys and was insulted as he thought your date went well."
"Or he's controlling."
"Don't go out with him again."- ilp456
"NTA."
"Hahahah what an a**."
"No, you are a full human person with a life of your own and he does not get to dictate when you need to go home."- yesnomaybe123
"NTA."
"Date ended and you said goodbye."- Exciting_Delivery369
"NTA, it would only be disrespectful if you ended the date early to hang out with your friend, which you didn't, and you were completely honest."
"Definitely red flag behaviour on his part."- FranksWB
"NTA."
"This is a red flag."
"I wouldn't bother with another date with this person."- __Severus__Snape__
"NTA x 1000."
"Kind of an AH move from his side to even ask if you stayed out after your date, that's none of his goddamned business."
"Getting pissed over you saying yes is beyond AH."
"Pro tip: do not keep dating this man, he sounds like an AH."- Medical-Cat-821
"NTA."
"You were out on a date, which means your relationship hasn't reached a stage where he has any right to expect anything of you other than you showing up for the date & spending that time with him."
"You didn't ditch him as soon as you saw your friend, & you stayed with him until the date was officially over (on his terms), so you did everything etiquette could possibly expect of you."
"He doesn't have any right to dictate your free time, & is majorly overstepping by presuming that he does."- ar_Anteater_256
Many people would consider a first date too early to even begin discussing whether or not you might be seeing other people, for prospective romantic relationships.
The fact that this man gets jealous that the OP grabbed a drink and caught up with an old friend after one date suggests he has trouble keeping his jealousy under control.
Making the possibility of a second date a highly unlikely prospect.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.