Everyone has their own set of unwritten rules when it comes to first dates.
Drinks or coffee, then dinner if things seem to be going well. If you met on an app or website, wait to give your phone number until you've met in person. Never, under any circumstances, do you go back to your place or theirs.
However, making these rules difficult is that two people seldom have the same set of rules when it comes to a first date, often leading to an unintentional test as to whether or not there will be a second date.
A recent Redditor recently found herself scolded by a first date all owing to her behavior afterward.
While the original poster (OP) didn't think she did anything wrong, her date went so far as to call her disrespectful.
Wondering if that was really the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for seeing a friend after going on a date?"
The OP shared how her date was less than thrilled to learn her evening continued after he went home.
"I (29 F[emale]) went on a date with a guy (38M) last night."
"We went to a couple of bars."
"We were having drinks and I excuse myself to go to the restroom."
"While in there I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in years."
"She asked me to come have a few drinks with her."
"I told her I couldn't because I was on a date but if she was still there when I was leaving I'd look out for her."
"I return to my date, told him I bumped into an old friend."
"We stay for further hour/1.5."
"He has to get home as he starts work early."
"By this time we'd been out together for around 4 hours."
"We finish our drinks, I walk out with him and we say our goodbyes."
"He lives a 5 minute walk from the bar."
"I head back into the bar to use the restroom again as my journey is about 45 minutes."
'I have a quick look for my old friend but she sees me leaving the restroom and asks me to hang back for a catch up - which I happily do."
"The next day my date messages me asking if I stayed out after our date."
"I said yes.'
'He was really cold with me."
'I asked if something was wrong and he basically said it was disrespectful of me to stay out once our date was over."
"I'm totally confused here and wondering if it was bad dating etiquette?"
"AITA for catching up with a friend after a date?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for catching up with her friend after her date went home.
Everyone agreed that the OP did absolutely nothing wrong, with many finding the behavior of her date controlling and disconcerting and urged the OP not to go on a second date with him.
"NTA."
"Never heard of a bad date etiquette, especially post-date."
"What a weird and strange thing to be upset about."
"Your date was finished, which means you're free to do whatever you want."
"I'd be wary of any future dates with him."- NepNep90
"Actually that seems like an amazing unintended litmus test to see if ol boy respected your friendships and how controlling he would be."
"I would bet anything he expects his partners to only socialize with him present."
"NTA what a beautiful way to dodge a buIIet well done OP."- ReasonableCookie9369
"NTA."
"Your time is your time."
"What a weird thing to get upset about."
"I'd see this as a HUGE red flag and be glad he showed this side early on."
"Ick."- el-ay-cee
"That's code for 'if you didn't immediately have to go home and go to bed, you should have come to my place'."
"Don't waste anymore time with him."
"NTA."- mdthomas
"NTA."
"What he means is 'If you are not going immediately to your own bed after our date, then you should be going to mine'."
"Anything else is 'disrespectful'."
"You don't owe this dude every moment of your time."
"It's good that this happened now."- Aggravating_Start411
"NTA."
"One date and he already thinks he gets to dictate what you should do with your life."
"Please take that as a sign not to have a second date with him."- Biera1
"NTA and after a first date this is a red flag."
"The guy is controlling and I think it's highly likely that he chose to date a woman almost a decade his junior precisely because he thought she'd be easier to control."
"And how did he know to ask if you had stayed out after the date?"
"What prompted him to ask that?"
"Beware, old boy might have stalked you after saying his goodbyes."- Jolly_Tooth_7274
"NTA."
"I think he dropped those on the way home."
"Luckily he showed his true colors early."
"If he's acting like that now, how controlling will he be if you end up together?"
"Please, don't contact him again and block him on everything."- UnfairTemperature369
"NTA."
"He's prying into your business."- 3xlduck
"NTA."
"The date was over; you don't need to answer to him about what you did after the date."
"Perhaps you could ask him to give you specifics of what he has done without you since the date?"
"He is the a**hole here."- MsJamieFast
"NTA."
"Don't give this guy another date."
"This is weirdly controlling behavior."- UrsaGeorge
"I think he was expecting you to go home with him and is now being gross about it as if he feels wronged."
"Throw the whole man away."
"NTA."- Spare-Article-396
"NTA."
"He ended the date."
"You visited with an old friend."
"What business is this of his?"- Wishiwashome
"The only way this could possibly be remotely inappropriate on your part is if you used a white lie to end the date, like, 'Boy, I need to get to sleep soon'."
"And then stayed out and blatantly contradicted yourself to him the next day."
"But I'm pretty sure you would have mentioned it if you were trying to end the date."
"So NTA and stay the heck away from that guy."
"He's weirdly controlling, or trying to be."- clauclauclaudia
"Lol is this person for real?!"
"NTA you barely know this guy at all, been on one date with him, what you do after the date is your business and not his."
"I wouldn't go on a second date with this controlling loser."- mind_like_the_ocean
"NTA."
"He can't control what you do."
"This is a big red flag."
"You may want to think twice before going on a second date with him."- TheLuvBub
"NTA."
"Did he expect you had to go home just because he wanted to go home?"
"The only thing I can think of is if your friend was a guy and your date somehow felt jealous and insecure that you're on another date after going on a date with him."
"But that's not even the case since it sounds like your friend is female and you told him that you bumped into her."
"Anyway, this would be a red flag to me to continue dating this guy."
"Proceed with caution."- sour_lemons
"NTA enjoy your life you barely know this guy!"- Old_Administration72
"NTA."
"I suspect he thinks you stayed at the bar to pick up guys and was insulted as he thought your date went well."
"Or he's controlling."
"Don't go out with him again."- ilp456
"NTA."
"Hahahah what an a**."
"No, you are a full human person with a life of your own and he does not get to dictate when you need to go home."- yesnomaybe123
"NTA."
"Date ended and you said goodbye."- Exciting_Delivery369
"NTA, it would only be disrespectful if you ended the date early to hang out with your friend, which you didn't, and you were completely honest."
"Definitely red flag behaviour on his part."- FranksWB
"NTA."
"This is a red flag."
"I wouldn't bother with another date with this person."- __Severus__Snape__
"NTA x 1000."
"Kind of an AH move from his side to even ask if you stayed out after your date, that's none of his goddamned business."
"Getting pissed over you saying yes is beyond AH."
"Pro tip: do not keep dating this man, he sounds like an AH."- Medical-Cat-821
"NTA."
"You were out on a date, which means your relationship hasn't reached a stage where he has any right to expect anything of you other than you showing up for the date & spending that time with him."
"You didn't ditch him as soon as you saw your friend, & you stayed with him until the date was officially over (on his terms), so you did everything etiquette could possibly expect of you."
"He doesn't have any right to dictate your free time, & is majorly overstepping by presuming that he does."- ar_Anteater_256
Many people would consider a first date too early to even begin discussing whether or not you might be seeing other people, for prospective romantic relationships.
The fact that this man gets jealous that the OP grabbed a drink and caught up with an old friend after one date suggests he has trouble keeping his jealousy under control.
Making the possibility of a second date a highly unlikely prospect.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.