Having compatible roommates who respect boundaries and each other and can respectfully conduct themselves is ideal.
One would think cohabitating with friends is vastly superior to living with strangers chosen out of desperation.
But that was not the case for a Redditor who resorted to taking protective measures in a distressing situation.
When she caused drama by taking matters into her own hands, she visited the "Am I the A** Hole?" subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor JennyAnonymous asked:
"AITAH for installing a lock on my fridge to stop my roommate from 'stress-eating' my food?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, I (30 F[female]) live with my roommate, Sarah (29 F[female]), who has this habit of eating everything in the fridge, whether it's hers or not."
"She always says it's because she's 'stressed' and swears she'll replace it, but my groceries vanish faster than a dating app match after mentioning kids."
"The last straw was when she ate my emotional support tiramisu. For context, I'd spent hours making this tiramisu after a rough week at work. It was my therapy in a dessert."
The OP continued:
"Sarah ate the whole thing without asking and left a note on the empty dish that said, 'Sorry! PMS sucks. I owe you.' That was it. I lost it."
"I ordered a lock for the fridge for my food and moved everything into it. Now Sarah's furious, saying I've 'ruined the vibe of the apartment' and that I'm 'passive-aggressive' for locking her out of the shared fridge."
"She even tried to rally our other roommates against me (spoiler: they also hide their snacks from her)."
"AITAH for locking up my food, or is Sarah just mad she can't steal my serotonin anymore?"
In edits, the OP clarified:
"There is a TEMPORARY lock on the fridge while we figure out a solution."
"We have no proof to go to the cops. We have receipts from the last 6 months of grocery bills, and she claims that she could have been on those grocery runs. She also took the broken lock from my roommate."
"We've lived with Sarah for around 6 years now. She was one of the core girls in our group, and this has only started within the last 14 months. So we care about her as a person, but this behavior can't continue."
"She only recently started saying it's because we make more money than her and that it's only fair we share since we've been friends for so long."
"We've gone to the landlord for theft. He claims that we just need to work it out and don't really have a leg to stand on. We also use a paying portal with him where we automatically split the rent four ways."
"As for buying a fridge, we already bought two 400-dollar coolers, and that still didn't work. Why should we pay an additional few hundred for a fridge and our electric bills would be insane."
"We CANNOT break the lease. We would lose our 4,800 security deposit and need to pay 9.8k for 60 days of rent until they find new tenants (& we can't live there during the 60 days)"
"Her parents are crazy strict and abusive and feel bad for going to her parents."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"If I made tiramisu from scratch after a hard week and someone ate ALL of it without asking and then left a note on the empty dish blaming PMS, their life would be in danger lol" – Tomorrow_Bunny222
"That plate would have been a projectile (not saying AT her, but it would be flying) if someone ate my tiramisu. Hell, even store-bought, but especially made from scratch." – Niodia
"I'd have taken that dirty plate into the food-stealing, room-invading biatch's room and unmade her bed, smeared the remains all over her sheets (redampening first if necessary, for maximum smearability), neatly remade her bed and waited for the screaming when she stumbled in from her late night out." – maddiep81
"Eating all of someone's homemade food is bad enough, not even washing the dish after is straight evil. OP you are NTA. And Sarah may want to consider therapy because it sounds like she may have some sort of disordered eating." – thebuffyb0t
"I was poor for many years and never stole food. Housemates would often pay for my food, which was embarrassing, but you know what I did? I went out of my way to cook for everyone, and I'd make damn sure I knew which food was private and which was used for shared meals. And you know what else I did with my unemployed time??? I cleaned the house for everyone. Like you could eat off the floor."
"Tell her she is buying her own fridge to keep it in her room, and she's banned from the main kitchen, or you're going to the cops. The cops won't do anything, but just as a threat."
"If she had eaten my tiramisu and then left me the dirty dishes, I'd literally hit her because that seems to be what she wants. Jesus f'k that's rude." – anon
"NTA."
"If Sarah is stealing everyone's food, you need to have a house meeting and everyone bar Sarah decides on a solution."
"Also, she's going into your rooms to steal food? That should be an immediate eviction as far as I'm concerned, because your rooms are not common property."
"You didn't ruin the vibe. She did. And now she's pissed because she knows the reckoning is coming." – Front_Rip4064
"Tell her to buy a mini fridge. She brought this on herself. In today's ridiculous economy groceries are MAD expensive, her eating all your groceries is no different than her robbing you. I'd also get a lock for my bedroom door, for good measure. I had a crappy roommate like this once and we ended up having tondo the same thing. Lock the damn fridge because she wouldn't buy her own food."
"Sorry OP, people like this suck. Don't let her make you feel bad though." – JupiterSkyFalls
"NTA."
"Make a list with the price of every ingredient for the tiramisu and anything else with a date to pay you back. It's not okay for her to eat your food."
"In terms of her perishables, since it's a known habit that she cannot share a fridge and leave your and your roommates' food alone, she should look into a mini fridge with a freezer (if she needs the freezer as well) that she can keep in her bedroom. They are relatively inexpensive and think about not having her on the lease when it's time to renew." – RegretPowerful3
"NTA. 'I'm not passive-aggressive. I'm assertively sticking to my boundaries. Just because you say "oops sorry" doesn't mean I've given you permission to keep stealing my food. I don't want you to "get me back". I want the sh*t I bought or made to be there when I want it, when I'm expecting it, and not to have been consumed by you. I do not accept your "sorry." I do not condone your behavior. So since you can't seem to stop yourself, I'm protecting my assets. If this is the only way to be sure that I have what I bought/made, then so be it. You're mad that I'm solving the problem you're presenting. Too bad, so sad. Be a better roommate and this wouldn't happen.' " – Perimentalpause
"Here's a novel idea.........All the roommates stop bringing food into the apartment for a couple of weeks. It will be a hardship for the roommates, but it might be a wake-up call for the food thief. Eat at restaurants or get takeout. If you have a car, keep a cooler with food in the car. If there's nothing to steal she may snap out of it." – Amadecasa
"NTA. Sarah is. Get a small refrigerator for your bedroom, and put the lock on it. Then install double deadbolt locks on your bedroom door. Sarah is rude & greedy with your food. Tell Sarah you're not passive-aggressive, that you're just hungry all the time because she pigs out on your food . And, it never pays you back for your food. Tell her she's the problem." – Mean_Designer_3690
"She needs to see a doctor about this problem, especially if it hasn't always been this way. And she absolutely owes you for the cost of the food she's eaten. You could always go the low road and break into her room and steal some vital stuff, like all her shoes. When she confronts you, tell her you needed them, and you think you all should share your shoes anyway. She'll get the point." – PeanutFunny093
Overall, Redditors thought her roommate was the problem for helping herself to the items in the fridge that were not hers.
They also suggested that someone with her tendency to repeatedly violate the roommate rule of eating someone else's food under the guise of "stress-eating" was worth looking into seeking therapy.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.