When a child misbehaves or says or does something inappropriate, it is important for that child's parent to teach them that what they did was wrong.
Many parents will rush to punish their child, such as grounding them, banning them from watching TV, or revoking certain privileges.
However, punishment doesn't always teach the lesson these parents hope their child will learn.
Then, too, taking everything surrounding the situation into account could also be a determining factor.
The son of Redditor Same-Broccoli7863 recently faced disciplinary action at his school for his behavior towards a fellow student.
Upon learning what their son did, the original poster (OP) swiftly grounded him.
A decision that both the OP's son and husband felt was far out of line.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For Grounding my son after he got kicked out of class for refusing to sit next to somebody?"
The OP explained why they felt their son was worthy of being grounded:
"My son is a sophomore in high school."
"About a week ago, they did a lab for his chemistry class, and he was paired up with this one girl."
"I feel like I’ve heard him talk about this girl before with his friends, calling her ugly and saying she smells like feces."
"He was paired up with this girl, and while they were doing the lab, my son was apparently standing so far from her that he couldn’t actually even help her in the lab."
"Eventually the teacher caught on, and when she told him to move closer, he said no saying she stinks."
"The teacher threatened to write him up if he didn’t, and my son still refused to so he got kicked out of class."
"I got the call, and when he came home I took his phone, for a) not listening to the teacher and b) publicly making fun of her presumably in front of the whole class."
"I will say, I’ve met this girl before for something else school-related in the past, and it’s true that she doesn’t smell the best, but my sentiment is the same."
"But my husband and my son think I’m making a big deal out of things."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**Hole for grounding their son.
Some felt that the OP did the absolutely right thing, agreeing that her son bullied his classmate, and needed to know the severity of what he did:
"NTA."
"Your son is a bully and your husband is enabling his behavior."
"I feel really sad for the girl."- nugget600
"NTA."
"But have a conversation about why people might smell different (health conditions, poverty, etc) and hopefully reinforce lessons of kindness you’ve been giving him his whole life."
"Also, sometimes in life we have to do things and work with people we don’t like, for a variety reasons."
"Sounds like your son is taking after your husband, though, which is unfortunate."- Pickle_Holiday18
"He's a sophomore?"
"Your son needs a good talking to, and so does your husband."
"NTA, your son's behavior was unacceptable."
"He will encounter many smelly, ugly people in his life."
"They're still people."- ImpossibleReason2204
"I went to elementary school with a kid who smelled like feces."
"I found out much later that he had a medical issue that caused it."
"We weren’t kind to him."
"I’m almost 60 and I still think about him sometimes, wondering if he ever was able to live a normal life and how much we damaged him with our casual cruelty."
"NTA."- cherry__darling
Others, however, felt that no one, including the teacher of the OP's son, came off looking particularly good:
"ESH because if this girl does smell so badly no one wants to work with her the teacher surely knows and should have addressed this privately a long time ago."
"Your son’s reaction was not appropriate but the teacher shouldn’t have put this girl in that position because she probably knew what your son’s answer would be before she asked."- Pristine-Rhubarb7294
"ESH."
"He needs to learn to not make fun of people and resolve issues in more empathetic ways, like approaching the teacher, telling them his issue and letting the teacher contact a guidance counsellor or something to talk to the girl about hygiene."
"But:
"It's also really hard to work in close quarters with someone who smells bad."
"I have a colleague that smells horrible 70% of the time."
"To the point where you can smell him in the hallway if he walked in it 5 minutes ago."
"And the only reason why no one has pushed to have HR talk to him is that he has his own office and barely ever comes out."
"It's really unpleasant."- SoundOfUnder
"ESH."
"I’ve known students who smelled so bad that others nearly vomited unless they could keep a good distance."
"And some people are more sensitive to odors."
"But your son should’ve taken it up privately with the teacher and not embarrassed the girl."- Lewes2024
"ESH."
"This whole situation sucks and wasn't handled well by anyone."
"If the girl actually stinks, and you acknowledge she does, this really needs to be addressed by the school."
"It's simply not ok to subject others to body odor."- SirRamsey
"ESH."
"She needs better hygiene, your son needs better manners."- BracedRhombus
"ESH."
"It doesn't sound like you had a problem with him being mean until he got in trouble for it."
"If it's bad enough that he's willing to get himself in trouble by not sitting next to her, the girl's odor either seriously needs to be addressed, or your son is in really deep on bullying this girl."
"Assuming that if he were that big of a bully, this wouldn't be the first issue, I'm going to assume it's the former."
"Teacher sucks for letting it get to this point, your son sucks for not just talking to the teacher privately about it after the class, the girl sucks for not taking care of her hygiene, you suck for not caring about your son talking poorly about this girl until he got in trouble with the school."- Wicked_Wing
While some felt that the OP was too severe, and grounding her son won't teach him to be more compassionate to this classmate, who they believed had more going on than was let on:
"It seems I have a different definition of bullying than most people here, because imo the son didn’t bully the girl at all."
"He kept his mouth shut, kept his distance and only said anything when his teacher asked him why."
"IMO bullying would have been him pointing at her and yelling 'I’M NOT WORKING WITH HER, SHE SMELLS LIKE SH*T!' In front of the entire class."
"He didn’t do that."
"I believe the son did the best he could in that situation without being insulting."
"OP doesn’t mention anything that the son did that reduced the girl to tears."
"It’s clear that the girl has a hygiene problem that’s either home-related or medical; we don’t actually know, so we can only assume."
"I don’t believe what the son did warrants a grounding."
"Maybe a talk about empathy at most."
"YTA."- JordyMate87
"YTA, and so is the teacher, for punishing him for this instance."
"Her smelling bad isn't something he's making up."
"You acknowledged this yourself."
"It's pretty unfair to punish him for her lack of hygiene."
"Also, him saying she stinks when she DOES is not bullying, especially when he is being told to get closer."
"He was just providing his reason for not doing so."
"If someone tried to force my kid to stand closer to someone who smells like literal shit and the teacher tried to punish them for it I would be going to admin."
"That's insane."
"You're also the a**hole for not punishing him previously when he was bullying her for her looks."
"Hygiene is something someone can fix and is something everyone does to partake in society regularly, she is the a**hole for not washing."
"How someone looks is not up to them and making fun of that is indeed bullying."
"You are punishing him for the completely wrong reasons here and not defending him against the teacher but actually punishing him for it... what kind of message are you trying to send?"- Real_Life_Sushiroll
"YTA."
"Not wanting to stand or get near someone who notable smells is a legitimate reason."
"And I don't think you should be punishing a person who has a natural reaction to smell."
"The stinky person needs someone who can teach them how to bathe properly."- Background_Hat_3252
Saying someone "stinks" will never solve any problem.
However, if this girl is always coming into class with a noticeable odor, there is clearly something going on that the school needs to investigate.
Resulting in another discussion the OP should have with their son, before jumping to another punishment.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.