Blood runs thick in family ties.
Being adopted and then finding your birth family can cause quite a stir.
Finding a balance between both (if one seeks it) isn’t always easy.
That can lead to resentment and harsh feelings.
Redditor Organic-Rock-9599 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not caring if my adopted sister feels included?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (23 F[emale]) have a biological brother (24) and an adopted sister (27).”
“She was adopted when I was a year old, and she was around 4.”
“For most of my life, my sister received all the attention from our parents, and my brother and I were just there.”
“My parents would bend over backward to make sure she felt like a part of the family, which is great, except they didn’t bother to make my brother and I feel included.”
“When she was 19, we found her biological family, and they have a great relationship now.”
“But I feel like this completely ruined our own family dynamic.”
“Our dad died five years ago, and it seems like she just moved on from our dad to the other dad and is also slowly moving on from our family to her biological family.”
“Her biological mum’s side also seems to have a problem with us because we are white and my sister is black, so every time we try to be involved in activities, there are always jabs at us, and I think they encourage her to become distant from us.”
“My mum still acts like my sister is the center of our world, though.”
“The last two Thanksgivings, we had to have family Thanksgiving dinner days before because my sister was going to have Thanksgiving with her bio family.”
“Same for the previous Christmas, we exchanged gifts by the 20th, and my sister didn’t even bring my nephew as he was at his bio grandma’s.”
“My final straw has been a trip we had been planning in honor of my dad.”
“On the 5 year anniversary of his passing, we were going to plant an orchard in a certain African country my dad worked and lived in for years and we visited many times.”
“Planting this was something my dad had planned before he died and had it planned to a T, so we would only be executing his plan.”
“We had agreed that the 5-year anniversary felt like the perfect time.”
“Except now, my sister’s biological sister will be getting married around the same time (not same day), but it means my sister can only join us after the actual anniversary day.”
“My mum says it’s okay, we can plant the trees a week or two later, and she actually said that when we plant the trees doesn’t make much difference we’ll still be honoring him, but that my sister will only ever get to attend her sister’s wedding once.”
“She says it’s a week’s worth of work anyway, so it’s not like we were going to be done on the actual day.”
“This made me mad and I have told them I will be breaking the ground on the actual anniversary day with or without any of them.”
“She said I was being inconsiderate and that I should think about how this will make my sister feel like she doesn’t matter to the family.”
“My sister has been part of our family the same amount of time I have been, only she can exclude herself.”
“My brother keeps flip-floping between coming with me to be there for the anniversary, or waiting for my mum and sister some days later and I honestly can’t also blame him.”
The OP was left to wonder:”
“AITA for insisting I am not waiting on anyone? The trip is in 2 months.?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I think I get it.”
“This is one last straw, right?”
“Over the past nine years, she’s treated you less and less like family while your mom never even made an effort to make sure you felt like family to begin with.”
“And she’s been hijacking every major event to suit her own timing without any regard to you or your brother or the rest of your family and none of the grievances you’ve aired have been heard.”
“This isn’t about her going to a wedding and joining the rest of you a day or two later, it’s about your mom trying to make all of you postpone despite the significance of the planned start date.”
“If the work won’t be done for a week anyway, what’s the difference when she comes to get her hands dirty with the planting except that she won’t be there at the beginning?”
“A wedding is important.”
“Of course, she wants to attend.”
“But it’s not the wedding of anyone important to you, so I can totally understand your frustration.”
“It’ll be okay.”
“Go on as scheduled.”
“Plant the orchard.”
“Even if you start alone, it’ll be good for you to have some time alone with the memory of your dad so you can grieve and process in peace.”
“I hope it makes your grief a little smaller in the process. NTA.” ~ BrightFirelyt
“NTA. Go and create the project as planned.”
“It is you honoring your father that counts.”
“What they do is their business.” ~ feminist1946
“NTA. You need to distance yourself from your mom and let her fall on her face.”
“She is delusional about how she treated you and how much your sister actually cares.”
“Honestly find yourself a therapist and distance yourself.” ~ Emotional_Layer_2270
“The mom is delusional.”
“She’s turning away the two kids that stayed by her for the one that no longer wants her.”
“She will find herself in trouble when she’s older, and the two kids that still want a relationship with her will leave her alone.”
“By then, it will be too late.”
“It’s not like the adoptive child wants anything to do with them.”
“Does she ever make first contact or is it just your mom?”
“I’d cut my losses OP.”
“Give your mom a decade or so and she’ll come back crawling when the adopted kid ignores her fully.” ~ reginamills01
“NTA for how you’re feeling; it sounds like you’ve built up years of resentment, and considering your adopted sister seems to have gotten two families, and you and your brother the scraps of only one, I’m sure, is super hurtful.”
“Have you ever had a deeper conversation with your mother about how this impacts you?”
“Might be good to put it out there; and if it doesn’t work out, maybe consider putting distance between your mum and sister and yourself, and some therapy to unpack it all.”
“Perhaps wait so you can all remember your father together and then start putting yourself first?” ~ WellThatsJustObvious
“NTA. You all made a plan you felt honored with your dad and if they no longer wish to attend on said date that’s their decision.”
“You don’t need to bend over backward for someone who clearly has shown 0 respect to you and your family.” ~ thesleepymermaid
“NTA. It’s good to leave the ball in their court—’I’ll be there on the anniversary. You have two months to make your decision. Let me know your plans so we can meet there.'”
“Leave their arrangements to them—do NOT sponsor a lovely vacation for people who may try closer to the date to rearrange things behind your back.”
“Make sure you’re lead coordinator for everything so they can’t meddle.” ~ Ill_Reporter_8787
“NTA. Chances are something will come up and she’ll change her mind and not go at all.”
“Tell mom that it’s okay if she wants to wait for a sister since she’s the only mom ever cared about anyway.”
“Let brother make his own choice.”
“Go and continue with your plans.”
“Mom wanting to change plans is not only disrespectful to you but all those in the other country who have been helping plan this on their end.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NTA. This really sucks.”
“The nerve of her bio mother to make jabs at you is astounding.”
“You abandoned your own daughter, have some love and respect for the family she was raised in.” ~ practical_mastic
“NTA. There’s nothing wrong with traveling on your own ahead of the rest of the family.”
“I get why you feel resentful of your sister.”
“It sounds like she’s been accommodated your whole life, and now she has even more excuses to blow up your family’s plans.”
“I’m sorry that your Mom can’t see the favoritism. :(“ ~ TyrionsRedCoat
“NTA. I get there’s a conflict between a wedding and this but if what you’ve told us is accurate.”
“It sounds like she would probably just shrug if you guys went off to do the planting on the day you originally planned it on.”
“And if you’ve been dealing with her setting the schedule for everyone for years, I can’t blame you for wanting to break free from that.” ~ Owenashi
“NTA. Balancing these types of issues can be really tough… you know, if your family ever bothered.” ~ Petefriend86
“Somewhere between NAH to NTA.”
“She can only attend her sister’s first wedding once.”
“It’s a super important event, yes. It’s much harder and more expensive to reschedule that than it is for your smaller event.”
“It’s up to your sister and family which event is more important.”
“You’ve decided this plan is more important than that.”
“Your family decided otherwise.”
“You are perfectly entitled to stick with your original plan or make an entirely separate plan without them.” ~ ishfery
“NTA, sorry you grew up like that and still face the same treatment.” ~ icansmokewmyvag
Well, OP, this was special for your Dad.
It sounds like your Mum and sister can make this work.
Perhaps some group counseling could be a helpful idea.
Good luck.