Whenever we have a house guest, we always want to make sure that they feel welcome in our home.
Especially if they are staying with us for an extended amount of time, and/or are staying with us because they have nowhere else to go.
That being said, having a guest is guaranteed to disrupt our usual routine.
Sometimes these disruptions are easy to get used to, other times they can be all but intolerable.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of Redditor NoWillingness3090 was staying in her and her husband's house for an extended visit.
She had barely arrived before she had started making noticeable changes in the original poster (OP)'s home.
Changes that affected the OP's comfort.
After ignoring her multiple requests to stop making these changes, the OP finally gave her MIL an ultimatum.
Resulting in her MIL running to her bedroom in tears.
Wondering if she had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my MIL if she keeps rearranging my Kitchen she can get a hotel room?"
The OP explained why her patience had reached its limits during her MIL's recent stay:
"I (29 F[emale]) am married to a wonderful man (30 M[ale]) who is also the brother of my best friend, our heights are very different with me being 6'6" and him being 5'7", all of his family are on the short side and it led to some adjustments in our living arrangements at first but we found what worked for us."
"We realized early on that it was easier for him to use a step stool to reach what he needed in the kitchen than for me to constantly be crouching to get what I need as that gets painful quickly for me."
"This was fine, until my MIL came to stay with us two weeks ago."
"Her roof needs repairs, my husband and I have a spare room while my best friend doesn't so it was only logical she come stay with us."
"She has constantly been moving things about in the kitchen, lowering items as she doesn't want to use the step stool, which isn't anything to do with her age or fearing she'll fall she just doesn't want to."
"She keeps harping on about how it's ridiculous everything is so high up and it's rude for guests."
"My husband has repeatedly shut her down stating my comfort matters more than theoretical guests and asked her not to move things."
"She lets it go for a day then things are moved again."
"I've expressed frustration to my Husband about this and the final straw came today when I went to make myself a coffee and could not find my coffee mugs anywhere, it took me five minutes to find them in my kitchen and I found them in the lower cabinet that I had to kneel to get them out of."
"I was angry and snappish at this as my back had hurt from getting my mug, and I told her if she couldn't stop herself from rearranging my kitchen she could get a hotel room as I have had enough of her entitlement."
"This led to a lot of blustering and some tears that she was just trying to make it make more sense and how this is her son's home and how it's just a little reorganization, and that they shouldn't all suffer just because i'm tall, she then also began to say how I'm heartless to expect her to stay in a hotel."
"My Husband was clearly uncomfortable at this and didn't want his Mother upset, but he told her that it wasn't just his home, but mine too, and if she wouldn't respect my comfort and happiness, then she would have to leave."
"She has went into the guest room and I can hear her crying still."
"My Husband is clearly getting anxious and upset over this but he's not backing down and I feel awful that my snapping led to him feeling like this, maybe I should have just put up with it or been more gentle about how I dealt with it?"
"I honestly don't care that she's upset, which may make me sound heartless, but I hate that my Husband is feeling this way."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her MIL to stop or get out.
Everyone agreed that not only was the OP's MIL being overtly presumptuous, but that there were countless other ways for her to make the OP's kitchen more accessible to her without completely rearranging the kitchen.
"Do you know how my Mum survives something very similar when her short self visits my average height self and tall husband?"
'She checks which mugs and glasses are our favorites."
"She then chooses her own 'favorites' from the leftover options, and each time puts one coffee mug, one water glass and one wine glass in our bowls cupboard."
"Zero hassle for any of us, and saves her stretching for the drinkware (as it's on the top shelf)."
"NTA and anyone who's still crying over a reasonable reprimand is a drama queen who can be ignored until they calm themselves down."- DgShwgrl
"NTA."
"I'm 5'7"."
"I can access 80% of my kitchen storage just fine, and yeah, I use a steps tool for the rest."
"If she wants 1 mug kept lower I presume that would be fine, no need to rearrange the whole cupboard!"- throwaway1975764
"NTA."
"The house belongs to you and your husband, so stuff should be arranged; however, the two of you agree it should be arranged, and MIL needs to be grateful she has a family with the capacity to take her in during her roof repairs."
"Since your main concern is how this is affecting your husband, maybe the two of you should have a date night or something and get away from his mom for a few hours."- Naomeri
"NTA, you stood up for yourself and gave a fair warning."
"I believe you've been quite patient."
"I appreciate that your husband is uncomfortable but so be it, sometimes life is uncomfortable."
"She had plenty of opportunities to stop complaining and moving things around before you drew this line."
"Express appreciation for your husband and just let her sit with it."
"TBH I'd be wondering about past interactions with her."
"She seems to almost take offense to your height somehow, and I wonder if anything has ever come up about your 'fit' with your husband, the optics of such a statuesque person or whatnot."
"People are weird."- owls_and_cardinals
"NTA."
"The simple solution is for her to leave your kitchen alone."
"If she just agreed to that, there would be no issue."
"If she is crying at the thought of having to stay in a hotel, it's because she doesn't intend to respect your wishes."
"Tell your husband that his mother rearranging your kitchen (after being told multiple times not to) was a choice on her part, which amounts to her asserting that she has more right to do what she wants in your home than either of you do."
"If you let her ignore you both and do what she wants anyway, then that would only be the start of it."
"You understand that he is uncomfortable, but his mother's tears over not being able to get her way in your home can't be allowed to become a successful weapon."
"That too would be the start, not the end of them."
"The omelet you need to make is for your MIL to respect that this is your home and not hers to rearrange to her liking while she stays there."
"She is a guest."
"She is not moving in as the parental authority to you both."
"The eggs you need to break to make that omelet are her reactions to being told that she can't get her way, and that there will be consequences to her refusing to respect that this is your house and not hers."- kurokomainu
"You don't rearrange someone else's things in their own home without permission!"
"NTA."- mdthomas
"The logistics of your kitchen organization are not the issue."
"It's rude guest behavior to come into someone's home and act this way."
"NTA."- tinyd71
It must have been frustrating for the OP's MIL to have to get on a step stool to reach certain things.
One imagines it about as frustrating as it was for the OP to have to bend over to fetch everything after her MIL rearranged her whole kitchen.
Had the OP's MIL tried to find a middle ground with the OP, a solution likely would have been found.
As she sadly learned, taking matters into your own hands seldom yields the best results.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp