One of the blessings and curses of childhood is experiencing so many things for the first time.
Not only will children read a chapter book, see a butterfly, and play a sport for the first time, but they'll also go through some of their first disappointments and heartbreaks.
It's tough to decide what to teach them and what to shelter them from at that age, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwaway_goldilock had a wonderful relationship with her niece, especially regarding the styling of their similar "princess" hair.
When her niece suddenly had to get a new look, the Original Poster (OP) was conflicted about what would be the best way to support her.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not cutting my hair to match my niece?"
The OP was able to start spending more time with her brother again recently.
"My (26 Female) brother Mike (29) recently moved near me because of work."
"We are now half an hour away from each other. We were four or five hours away most of our adult lives and usually only saw each other during Christmas at our parents' house."
"Mike is living with his fiancée Sara (30 Female) and her daughter from a previous relationship, Eve (6 Female). Sara works from home as a freelancer."
She immediately connected with her niece, Eve.
"Ever since the move, I went to hang out at Mike's a lot because I miss him. Sara and I got along OK, but Eve was attached to me from the start."
"She said I look like one of the princess dolls she has. Thus our friendship is born."
"One of the activities Eve and I enjoy is styling our hair. Our hair is very similar: long, blonde, fine, and super straight."
"We enjoy braiding, curling, and ornamenting our locks, as Sara has had short hair all her life and cannot style her daughter's hair beyond a simple ponytail."
"Eve loved it when I put our hair in matching styles, and we often went to dinner like that. My brother and Sara thought it was adorable."
But then something unexpected happened.
"A few days ago, an incident at school caused Eve's hair to be damaged."
"Sara took her to the salon, but the best they could do was cut and trim her hair to just above shoulder length."
"Eve was crying and really upset; she said she won't get to play hair styling and have matching hair with me anymore since her hair is short now. She said it's not fair that I will be the only princess in the family now."
The OP was uncomfortable with Sara's suggestion to improve the situation.
"Sara called me and asked if I can cut my hair to match Eve's, so she wouldn't be sad."
"She said it will be a nice change of pace, and our hair will grow back."
"I told her no. A trim of an inch is one thing but shoulder length is too short for my liking."
"Sara said I'm not being considerate as it'll mean a lot to Eve to know her aunt matches with her."
"Mike said it's my hair, my decision, but my mom said it would be a nice thing to do."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured her that Mike was right about it being the OP's hair and, thus, her choice.
"NTA and Sara is being weird as f**k about this. If you were already saying to people, 'You know, I really want to change up my hair sometime,' I could see suggesting it, but beyond that, nah."
"I feel awful for Eve because I went from butt-length to shoulder-length as an adult, and the year and a half it took to grow back was PAINFUL (turns out I really do prefer it ungodly long and am not 'just used to it')."
"And for a little kid, that's an eon. I had more than my share of bad haircuts as a kid. But it WILL grow back. Maybe now is the time for Eve to get cool colored streaks or something so she feels better about it, though it could be fun for her."
"For the people saying this could be a teachable moment, I agree, but not about patience or being beautiful with any type of hair. I think this could be a great time for learning that your parents cannot fix everything that goes wrong in your life, but they can be sympathetic and understanding and listen when you feel sad."
"Time for Sara to get in there and agree that, yeah, this sucks, and she wishes it didn't happen too. The best lesson your kid can learn is, 'My family is there for me.'"
"No, this isn't a huge deal tragedy... to an adult. To a six-year-old? It's a big deal. It's okay for her to be upset. No one needs to 'make her feel better.' She WILL get over it eventually, but give her time to get there." - elvie18
"NTA." Sara could have turned this into a learning moment. She could have gone with:
"Patience: the hair will grow back."
"Challenging Stereotypes and Ideas of Beauty: princesses can have short hair."
"Being Different Doesn't Break Caring: you and Eve can still be connected despite the different hair."
"Etc. Instead, she chose to teach Eve that people are supposed to cave to her desires." - GreekAmericanDom
"NTA. Children need these lessons so they can become adults. Do you think every time she falls into mud that dozens of other children at school should cast themselves into the mud as well to ameliorate her sad feelings? LOL (laughing out loud), f**k no."
"Do not coddle your children. They will reach the age of majority, and they will still be children." - Suspicious_Truth647
"NTA. It's your hair, and I'm not even sure how it would be nice. Your niece wants long hair to be a princess, you cutting off your long hair doesn't make you both princesses again. Your long hair was the only thing making you a princess in this scenario."
"Instead, you can find ways to style your niece's new hair length and show her how awesome it can still be and that would be MUCH better." - IntrospectOnIt
"NTA. Your body, your choices."
"When you're six, and things don't go quite right, life can feel tough. You've got a great chance to help show her how to rise above that, instead of expecting the whole world to cater to her desires. That's a lesson that will serve her well in life."
"Your niece still has shoulder-length hair. You've still got lots of opportunities to play hair styling together. Just because you can't be identical for a while doesn't mean it can't still be fun. And, perhaps most importantly for a fashion-conscious six-year-old, that just because her hair is" - Qaylar
"They're correct. It is just hair, and Eve's will grow back. No need for you to cut your hair just because of Eve's random mishap."
"Sara's at risk of raising Eve to be super entitled and self-centered. It might be a nice thing to consider doing, but to expect it from you is presumptuous."
"NTA." - baka-tari
"NTA."
"It is a nice thing you could possibly do, but only if you actually want to. I'm so tired of people using that as a reason why you're a bad person. There are lots of nice things people can do, and deciding not to do a few of them does not make you an a**hole, nor does it being a nice thing mean it's mandatory."
"'Nice' and 'required' are not synonymous."
"Buy her a wig or something she can play around with together if you really wanna do something to cheer her up, but d**n man, she's not your kid, not even your adopted kid, so why would people expect you to do this?"
"If anything, this is a perfect opportunity for SARA, HER MOTHER, to try and do some matching hairstyles too and be part of this. Don't let any of them try and guilt you into feeling bad. And maybe tell her mom what I just said because, like, it's ridiculous she's putting this off on you like it's your responsibility. Tell her to do some hairstyles and cheer HER child up." - delirium_skeins
Others pointed out that really no one was at fault in this tough situation.
"NAH. Sara asked (fair game). You said no. Everyone (and I'm assuming you agree with this) agrees that it would be a nice thing to do. You don't want to do it (also fine). Unless they are harassing you to do this then NAH." - DancingLadybird
"Rapunzel is still a princess after her hair got cut off. Someone needs to get this little girl to watch the movie 'Tangled.' NAH." - Hearwegoanon
"NAH. It's a little ridiculous to ask but Eve is six years old. She's really little and really sad about her hair. That said, it's absolutely fair and appropriate to say no. It would be a nice thing to do, but not doing it doesn't make you not nice, and I think that's an important distinction." - TheSqueakyNinja
"NAH. I think it's an understandable request to make of you, Eve is probably feeling extremely self-conscious, and not being able to match with you is compounding that. It probably would mean a lot to her and help her cope with it if you decided to match with her and make her feel less weird/bad about it. It'd be an adult showing there's nothing wrong with that hairstyle."
"Having said that, while I do think the above makes it reasonable for her mom to ask that of you, you don't absolutely HAVE to do it, and shouldn't feel like you have to. It is your hair and your choice. Though, be sure to take the above into consideration next time you see Eve, she's probably feeling very self-conscious on top of being sad you can't match for a while, so think of the best way to approach that."
"On re-read, I missed the line where she called you inconsiderate. That's a bit much. I think her politely asking you to do it was totally fine, as was you saying no. Her calling you out as inconsiderate for not doing it does make me lean more toward NTA than NAH. It'd be totally fine to ask that of you, f**king weird to demand it." - CapoExplains
"NAH."
"Your mom is right. It would be a nice thing to do and would make your niece's world, as your SIL has said. But, at the end of the day, Mike is right. It is your hair and you have to live with it. You're not an a**hole either way, and neither is anyone else." - Inner-Nothing7779
"NAH, to be honest. It seems that little girl really bonded with you over hair and is now sad that bond won't be as strong. Asking you to cut it to match so the bond remains would be very sweet, but hey, you still gotta live with it. I don't think your SIL is wrong for asking if you'd want to, it'd be wrong if there were pressure, and I don't think you're wrong for wanting to stay the same."
"Honestly, I think the real solution is to bond with her over other things, stuff that's not purely about hair or skin. Those things can be damaged. How about clothes? Or if you have any other common interests?"
"You could show her being a princess is about other things than hair, sure, but it rings kinda hollow if you don't change yours. Kids' feelings aren't always rational. I think she'd accept her hair in time, but gender presentation is important, even that young. Long hair could be part of hers and yours, so losing that could be really harmful to her psyche."
"I don't know, I wish you luck on this, but do not feel bad for not having the 'right' answer." - letangier
"NAH."
"Eve looks up to you, she sees you as someone similar to herself, and that's why you've bonded so quickly (girls tend to have dolls that look like themselves)."
"I assume some other kid cut Eve's hair without her consent, which can be pretty traumatizing. I'm sure Eve would appreciate still matching with you."
"That being said, if someone is pressuring you to do this, they are the AH. Bodily autonomy for the win." - Doodlefish225
The subReddit agreed that it would be a kind gesture for the OP to make her hair match her niece's, but it absolutely was not a requirement.
Rather, they found this to be an opportunity to teach Eve about gender roles and expectations, for the OP to explore other ways to bond with her niece, and maybe for them to explore other forms of beauty, like short hairdos or wigs.
The most important lesson for Eve to receive right now would be for the people around her to teach her that they love her, no matter the length of her hair.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp