Parents of newborns have A LOT to worry about.
There are a million things a day that have to be taken care of.
And when parents aren't tending to their new baby, they're trying to grab a wink of sleep.
But that doesn't always stop people from asking for things that don't relate to their child.
Is it impossible for new parents to find a little extra time every day to assist others?
Redditor throwawayaita278902 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to ask my partner if he'll drive my friend to work when I go on maternity leave?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am currently 7 months pregnant and I give my friend a ride to work."
"I've been doing this the last year because they lived 3 minutes away from me when I was in my old apartment, and I continued to do the favor when I moved in with my partner."
"I'm going on maternity leave next month and my friend has no idea how she is getting to and from work."
"She's been trying to figure it out since I found out I was pregnant but she cannot drive."
"There are no driving schools nearby."
"The closest one is 2 hours away, and they have no family to help them."
"I said I wish I could help more, but giving her rides while I'm on maternity leave and driving with a newborn at 6 am just isn't happening."
"Today she suggested I ask my partner (my baby's father) if he would drive her, and I said no I'm not asking."
"We have to be at work at 6:30 and my partner has to be at work at 7:30, and we live 10/15 minutes from my friend and our job is 20 minutes away from his job."
"And I'm not making my partner wake up earlier than he normally does to get ready for work and drive my friend to work because she can't find a ride."
"She made a joke saying that he should because it's his fault that I have to go out of work because he got me pregnant and as a friend, she would appreciate the favor."
"I said I wish we could help but I'm not asking him."
"She's upset with me because I won't even ask, but I already know my partner will say yes because he has people-pleaser tendencies so I'm making the decision for him."
"Then she brought up how she wouldn't have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn't be able to carpool anymore."
"She figured it out when I couldn't give her rides due to illness or appointments."
"But now I feel like she's trying to guilt me and keeps insisting I just ask and won't drop it."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"It's so nice to read about someone who protects their partner from being taken advantage of."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ DevotedRed
"Also, he's going to be a f**king dad to a newborn."
"He should be on paternity leave himself because fitting anything else in will be very hard."
"He will not have any time for extra anything, no way, no chance."
"He will be needing help, just like OP." ~ DogmaticNuance
"Ride shares are great for the occasional trip, not twice a day, every day. It's far too expensive for that."
"If I got an Uber to/from work every day, I'd be paying about $80 a day."
"That's over $1000 a month just to get to and from work."
"Public transport (which isn't even an option for everyone) is less than 170 a month."
"That said, it's still not OP's problem or responsibility to find her coworker a ride."
"It's an unfortunate situation for the coworker but perhaps she could ask someone else at work." ~ Xavius20
"Exactly that!"
"My first thought was that he will need that extra time to sleep, or prepare from being tired because he also is having a newborn!"
"And the 'friend' to try and manipulate OP with that "'if I knew you wouldn't carpool anymore bla bla bla' WTF!"
"Since when is she so entitled and since when do we make decisions based on someone else's help?"
"OP, you and your husband are going to start a new chapter that will require all your time and attention so do whatever is best for your family! Clearly NTA!" ~ Deidei27rock
"Exactly! I would understand the frustration if she just started this job and now her transportation fell through… but she's been getting free rides for a year. A YEAR!"
"There are entire employment contracts that only last a year, and when they end, you just get another job."
"Plus her friend is in a great position to find another job."
"She has lots of notice, another year of work experience for her resume, and a very legit reason for leaving (transportation as opposed to poor performance/fit, etc)."
"Plus she should have started exploring other options months ago when OP moved, as she's been going out of her way to pick her up since."
"Entitled is the perfect word!" ~ classyrock
"She's not smart enough to figure out for herself that OP driving her to work with a newborn wouldn't be an option?"
"Her failure to plan doesn't make an emergency for OP."
"She's a grown woman who shouldn't expect her friend to be her long-term solution." ~ cyn507
"Your friend is wildly entitled."
"If your partner has an extra hour to spend, it's not going to be driving her."
"It's going to be spent caring for his pregnant wife and then his newborn."
"You don't have to engage in this conversation anymore."
"Just tell her that she is responsible for finding her own ride, that you have given her ample notice, and that this subject is closed."
"And then ignore it from now on."
"And maybe reconsider driving her if/when you return to work. NTA." ~ Aylauria
"Plus the whole 'I wouldn't have taken the job if you couldn't drive me' is BS."
"OP is NOT required to spend the next decade or more driving her 'friend' to and from work."
"OP has already continued to do so even after moving away, which was above and beyond." ~ One_Ad_704
"Your friend had more than enough time to figure things out."
"It takes nine months to have a baby."
"She could have taken time off work and ridden public transportation or taken a ride-share to the driving school, then got her license and rented a car."
"There are people online who need people to carpool with them for gas money."
"She could also ask other people at work for a ride."
"She could also get a moped, motorcycle, or bike to rent or buy secondhand."
"It's not your responsibility to teach her how to be an adult."
"Additionally, people with such entitlements will put a wedge in your relationship."
"I'm not saying your S[ignificant] O[ther] will cheat, but she may put him in a compromising situation or try to seduce him." ~ EcstaticMolasses6647
"Not only during maternity leave but when you return back to work you will have a lot on your plate."
"Night feeding, morning diapers, preparing formula, and dropping baby for the caregiver."
"You may not have an extra 15 min each way to cover her."
"So she needs to figure out her rides or find a new job. NTA." ~ Consistent_Ad_805
"Totally agree with this."
"Friend is starting to sound a little entitled."
"This would be the perfect time to let her know the arrangement isn't working anymore, and let this co-worker be an adult and figure out how to get to work." ~ EffectiveBag3172
"NTA. It's true - I have to say as someone who's worked for many years without driving, it would have never even occurred to me to ask someone from work to make it their problem to help me get in while they were out on leave."
"Even if I was paying them for rides normally."
"My way to and from work was my problem."
"I'd bike, I'd bus, I'd walk, and I'd pay other drivers."
"I'd never ask someone if it wasn't on the way, and I'd never make it their problem if they said no." ~ Witty_Stop_4366
"NTA. As parents of a newborn, you will have A LOT on both your plates."
"Neither one of you should be adding to that."
"Even if you are doing the lion's share of the parenting while he works, having a newborn is just overwhelming and a big adjustment, and he'll also need to be supporting you in your recovery."
"He's going to be exhausted and overwhelmed too."
"He shouldn't feel pressure to take this on as well."
"She's an adult."
"It's time for her to take responsibility for her own transportation."
"This didn't come out of nowhere."
"She's had 8 months to prepare for this situation and resolve it."
"It's unfortunate that she was not able to do so, but you simply will not be able to continue to be her personal Uber with a newborn at home."
"The answer is no." ~ CrewelSummer
"NTA, she sounds like a bit of a leech, to be honest."
"She could do driving courses online and likely have you or someone else help with the road time while she's on her permit."
"This is on her for letting it go until it's at a crisis point."
"But maybe that could be the offer - tell her to get her permit and you or your partner can go driving with her some afternoons so she can build her hours and get a license."
"Ultimately though it's not your problem to solve, you're gonna have a lot more on your plate soon enough." ~ maj0rdisappointment
"No is a complete sentence."
"Taxis, Uber, Lyft, and a million other ways besides you. You."
"You get back from maternity leave."
"I would stop giving her rides altogether."
"Tell her either find a way to work or get another job, but I'm not driving you anymore."
"She's being annoying and just wants to make it easier on herself and not you."
"Stop responding to her stupidity and just say sorry I'm done giving you a ride."
"It's easy, it's fast and she doesn't deserve it. NTA." ~ Even_Enthusiasm7223
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This is her issue to figure out.
You have to worry about your family.
Focus on you.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.