As the saying goes, those who we love never truly leave us.
When you share a great love with someone, who had a huge impact on your life, they remain alive through all the memories you shared with them.
Of course, many people like to keep the memory of a lost loved one alive with a keepsake or memento, whether that might have been given or inherited.
Redditor CulturalAfternoon313 recently lost her mother in a very sudden and unexpected way.
Through chance, the original poster (OP)'s stepsister would also become close with her mother, owing to a shared passion.
As a result, when the OP's mother passed away, her stepsister wondered if she could keep something the OP's mother had made.
Something the OP felt her sister was in no way entitled to.
Wondering if she was being insensitive and unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA).
The asked,
"AITA for refusing to share a single piece of my mom's art?"
The OP explained why she simply wasn't willing to part with one of her mother's possessions, despite her stepsister's pleas.
"My parents got married straight out of high school, had me (25 F[emale]) right away, and then split up when I was 3."
"But they stayed close friends til the day my mother died."
"My dad remarried Ana when I was 7. She had a daughter Eve (22 F)."
"Then they had our brother Jake (16 M[ale]) together."
"Jake was really sick when he was a toddler, so our parents spent a lot of time at the hospital with him, and I spent a lot of time at my mom's house."
"Eve's dad worked weird hours, so my mom was more than happy to take Eve too most of the time."
"She loved hanging out with kids."
"My mom was a talented and passionate artist, and she was determined to foster a love of art in us."
"And she did for both of us, but Eve is far more talented than I am, and her & my mom bonded over their shared love of painting."
"My mother passed away suddenly this January."
"I was always extremely close with her, and I was & still am completely devastated."
"I still can't accept that she's gone forever."
"I miss her so so much."
"In late April, I finally got up the spirit to start organizing her things."
"Eve approached me after I mentioned that I was going to my mother's home to sort through some stuff, and she asked me if she could look through my mom's paintings and have a few as a keepsakes because my mother was such an inspiration for her."
"I don't want to & I refused."
"Not the paintings."
"I'm willing to give her clothes, jewelry, furniture, almost anything, but the paintings and journals are the closest things I have left to my mom."
"There's pieces of her soul in there. It's not just stuff."
"They're the most personal items she left, and I don't want to let a single one go."
"Eve got really upset and said she didn't care about any of the other things either, and she didn't think she was asking for that much."
"She said my mother was an important person in her life and that they had a strong relationship."
"Eve believes that if my mother would've left her something if she had the opportunity to decide."
"I still said no, and Eve went to her mom to complain, and now my immediate family is torn on the issue and arguing when we see each other."
"My dad understands but thinks I can give up one or two."
"And that I might change my mind in a couple of years once the pain isn't so fresh I do think that could've happened before, but Eve and Ana are pushing me so hard on it and being passive-aggressive towards me, and I feel completely different about them now."
"We all used to be close."
"I understand she wasn't a stranger to my mom, but that's just not enough to me."
"I think my own grief is bigger, and to ask me for such a personal thing so soon after her death was insensitive."
"And I'm ever more upset that they don't even see the irony of Eve sending her own living mother after me for my dead mom's stuff."
"This isn't about the jealousy of Eve."
"I can admit I was a little jealous when I was younger because I had ideas that I couldn't properly get out, and it seemed unfair that they could, but when I got to high school and discovered the medium that worked for me (film), the frustration I felt at not be able to express my creative thoughts properly melted away, and the jealousy went with it."
"This is fully about what my mother's paintings mean to me."
The OP was left to wonder,
"My boyfriend wants me to just give her one and repair my family so I stop tormenting myself but I think I want to stand my ground here, so AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
If the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give Eve one of her mother's paintings.
Most people felt that the OP was more than justified, as they were her mother's proudest possessions.
"NTA."
"I ended up giving away a lot of my dad's things to my brother and his friends out of guilt after he passed away, and I regret it regularly."
"Though if you're open to it, ask Eve if she would be open to prints of the paintings you could make for her."
"Maybe also communicate with her, as you said in this post, that the wound is still fresh, and you'll reconsider when time has passed."- hauntedfruit
"NTA."
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I know how hard it is to lose a parent, and it goes many times worse for you as she is your main support."
"It is ultimately your choice in how you want to share your mum's things, but you did say that your mum is also close to Eve and they have bonded over art."
"Objectively she should also be grieving in her way?"
"Then again, she is wrong to send her mum against you, especially when you lost yours."
"I don't know if it's a bad suggestion, but tell Eve that you are not ready to part with anything currently and she needs to give you space to grief instead of turning your family against you."
"Having to cope with the passing of a parent is hard enough without all these family pressures."
"Virtual hugs to you."- Crazy_Past6259
"NTA."
"You lost your mother."
"That hurts."
"Perhaps a compromise would be to have a print made of one of the paintings for your stepsister."
"Then she gets the art she wants and you don't have to give up the original."- Special-Attitude-242
There were a few, however, who did sympathize with the OP, but also sympathized with Eve as well, as they became close and bonded over their passion for painting.
"NAH."
"I don't think this is about the paintings as much as this is about your grieving."
"Ask for time to grieve and process."
"Use that time to figure out what your Mom would have wanted to do."
"Ask yourself if it's fair to hold on to all of the pieces of your mom, or whether she'd want you to share with those she was closest to."- nickfarr
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I don't want to call you an AH because what you're going through is horrible, and grief can cause a lot of emotions."
"But you say that they shared a bond, especially through the paintings."
"I understand that the trauma from your loss is making it hard to part with them."
"Depending on how many there were that she left, I'd seriously urge you to consider parting with one, even if it is just one."
"Eve is also grieving, not the same as your grief, but grief nonetheless."
"They bonded over some of those paintings."
"She was your mother, but other people still had close relationships with her and want to cherish memories with her too."
"I lost someone who was close to me a few years ago."
"When I discovered that I wasn't able to hold onto any of the things we made memories with because direct family members refused to part with them, it hurt."
"A lot. I understood it, and let it go because grief is a huge, painful thing."
"But others are feeling it too."
"I am not condoning Eve's actions."
"The way Eve is handling being denied is not right."
"However, she is also dealing with grief, which can make tensions high and emotions run rampant."
"I hope that they can overcome this and learn healthier coping methods."
"OP should not feel pressured or bullied into making a certain decision if they do not feel fully comfortable with it."
"Please do not mistake my opinion or advice for pushing them to do something they don't want to."
"If they decide that they don't want to, they are valid in their choice and feelings."- LunaMay196
No matter what people may say, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, as grief is something that is almost completely out of our control.
The OP is likely coping with her grief by hanging on to her mother's paintings.
However, seeing how close Even became to the OP's mother as well, it's easy to understand why she might want to hold on to one of her paintings as well.
One can only hope that they will come to a solution that pleases everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp