Maintaining a work/life balance is one of the most uphill battles anyone can face.
It's particularly hard for working parents, who want to be as present for their children as possible, while also making every effort to do their best in their respective professions.
But finding a healthy work/life balance is equally difficult for those without children, something a recent Redditor felt her colleagues didn't fully appreciate.
But after being called out by multiple colleagues, as well as friends, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my coworker that my personal out-of-work activities are as important as her kids'?"
The OP began her post by informing readers of both her current situation and future life plans, and a recent incident at work which put her somewhat at odds with her colleagues.
"Trying to keep this short -"
"I am a married 36 year old woman with no plans to have kids."
"I recently had an issue with a coworker where our boss emailed her/I to ask if one of us could cover an evening call (it's a 9-5 job but we occasionally have evening calls due to collaborators in different time zones)."
"The coworker asked me to do it because her son had a soccer game, but I said that I can't do it because I had a volleyball game."
"She said that I should do it because the soccer game is for her kid and my volleyball game is just for me."
"I said that respectfully my outside-of-work commitments are not less important than hers because I don't have children, and that she should take the call because I had taken the last two."
"She scoffed at me, and I know that other people around the office have been gossiping about me since and saying that it was super messed up that I made her miss her kid's soccer game."
The OP went on to clarify that it is not in her nature to make life more difficult for her colleagues with children.
"I think that it's incredibly important to support working mothers."
"I am always more than happy to accommodate the schedules of the mothers I work with when it doesn't cause a significant inconvenience to me."
"For example, some coworkers leave early to pick up their kids (our company is great about that), and I'm happy to work project schedules around that."
"I also would have taken that call if I hadn't had a conflict as long as it wasn't a pattern of me taking significantly more evening calls."
The OP did begin to question how she handled the situation, however, after a friend outside of work seemed to side with her colleagues.
"I talked to a friend about this (who is a mother), and she said that I should have just done it because people who don't have kids really should have more empathy for working parents and we don't understand how hard it is."
"I said respectfully that I do understand that working mothers have much more stressful lives than I do, which is why I decided not to be a mother."
"I also said that I can have respect and empathy for working mothers and also value my time/ choices equally."
"She similarly scoffed and said that I don't understand."
"AITA here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
The Reddit community all but wholeheartedly took the side of the OP, believing she was in no way the a**hole in this particular situation.
Several agreed that the OP shouldn't have been put in this situation in the first place, as she took the two previous evening shifts, which her supervisor should have noted.
"NTA - it should be a rotation."
"Having kids is not a get out of crummy work free card."-laughingsbetter.
"NTA AT ALL."
"You took the last two calls, that is reason enough to say no."
"Look at you with the shiny spine."- mdsnbelle.
"NTA."
"Working late should be a shared chore, just as you lay out."
"Ignore the whiners."-moondoggie1960.
"'She should take the call because I had taken the last two.'"
"Is there anything more to be said?"
"NTA."- Dszquphsbnt.
Others felt that while the OP had every right to say no, she could have done so in a more articulate manner.
"NTA."
"But your mistake here is telling her what your personal business was."
"That's private, because once you put it out there, it's up for community judgment."
"Next time, less said, the better."-sugarintheboots.
"NTA."
"But it wasn't smart to say what your conflict was."
"You didn't have to justify it."
"All you had to say was 'sorry, I really can't. I have a prior commitment.'"-Time-U-1
"NTA, and no is a full sentence."
"Stop explaining yourself."-Tricky_Dog1465.
"NTA."
"This is why it's best to refer to a 'commitment' or 'obligation' when it comes to plans you've made outside of work hours."
"That way you don't have to justify, argue, defend, and explain why you're entitled to do whatever you have planned for your time off, even if what you have planned is watching a show you like or taking a bath or getting extra sleep."
"'Jackson has a soccer game? Oh that's too bad, unfortunately I also have a commitment after 5pm so looks like we have to reschedule.'"
"None of their business what that commitment you have is."
"You can have a commitment to yourself to recharge however you want!"
"Not blaming you for this situation at all though."
"It's total bullsh*t."
"We all make choices about how to spend our time and energy and hers are no more valid than yours, full stop."-ChaosStoplessCool.
"The entitlement.....wow."
"A coworker choosing to have children should not become your burden to bear."
"Your personal life is your own and next time you shouldn't feel a need to verbalize an excuse."
"'No, I did the last two, it's your turn' should suffice.
"NTA."-SilverQueenBee.
But most Redditors stood firmly on the side of the OP, that having children shouldn't always trump the plans of those without children.
"NTA I love it when people say 'but you don't have a family' as tho people were hatched from pods."
"Having children isn't a free pass to get out of things you'd prefer not to do."-Slugdirt.
"NTA."
"This isn't like her kid was hit by a car and in the hospital, so she can't come in."
"It's hobby vs hobby, and clearly her turn to pick up the shift."
"Enjoy your volleyball game."-Opagea.
"NTA, that empathy for working parents extends to things like Dr appointments, emergencies, major life events etc."
"A random soccer game is not it and your time is just as valuable as hers."
"If this causes any issues go to HR and explain what happened."- kitty-cat24.
"NTA, as you know."
"In fact, if there were something like anti-NTA, that's you, because you willingly take more of your share of evening calls so that others can enjoy their activities, and instead of being thanked for that you're being vilified for refusing your place as a useless childfree adult whose needs are never as important as a parent's."
"(last bit was sarcasm, should be obvious)"- OkCaterpillar7770.
"NTA."
"I would also bet that, until she said what she did about her son being more important, there was a chance you may have done her a favor."
"Also, no is all you had to say, you don't need to waste your time defending your life, doesn't need defending."-40101695.
"NTA."
"So what if you don't 'understand'."
"You aren't a second class citizen."
"The mother also doesn't understand what it's like to be the employee everyone assumes should take on all the long hours, extra tasks etc. because it's 'just them'."
"You had a team activity where others were counting on your attendance."
"It's fine if someone (kids or not) has a conflict and asks if someone else can handle something."
"As long as they accept the answer is sometimes no."
"But we all have to take turns doing the stuff we don't want to sometimes."-angel2hi.
"NTA - just because you don't have children, doesn't make your time less valuable."-mizfit0416.
"NTA in the slightest."
"Keep a log of all the times you stay for coverage."
"Your time is just as valuable as a parents."
"Even if all you wanted to do after work was get high and lay in bed, you have every right to say no."-pluginfembot.
"NTA."
"Employees in the same position have the same responsibilities regardless of their choices outside of work."
"Her having kids is not your responsibility to juggle, it's her's."
"Your time IS as equally valid as her."
"Honestly if she's making work hard, I'd approach HR."
"The entitlement some parents have simply because they chose to become parents is ridiculous."-pizzaisapie69.
The OP even received a considerable amount of support from working parents.
"NTA at all."
"I'm a mother and agree that whatever anyone does or doesn't do outside of work is just as important as everyone else's."
"It was clearly her turn and pulling the mum card is a real a**hole move."-CarryingCargo.
"Nta."
"I am a mom."
"If your boss wants someone available during that time they need to schedule it."
"You need to be allowed a life outside work."- jadepumpkin1984.
The OP was particularly touched by the support she received from working mothers, and took a moment to thank them in a follow up, while also emphasizing that she supports working mothers right back.
"Thanks everyone for the support! "
"I'd like to acknowledge that a lot of the support is coming from working mothers, which I appreciate."
"Almost all of this has been respectful, but for anyone bashing mothers generally/ using misogynistic terms I don't need your 'support'."
It does seem rather unfair that the OP was put in this position in the first place, as she seemed to have clearly earned a break after working two previous evening shifts.
One only hopes she doesn't remain at odds with her colleagues, and everyone in her place of work will soon realize that everyone has a life outside the office, which needs to be respected.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp