Lending out property with deep meaning isn’t always easy.
There are clothes that hold a special memory of past events.
There is jewelry that is tied to family lineage.
Then there are smaller objects that were gifts from loved ones past.
Not everything is meant to be shared with others.
What may seem like “just another object” to one person could mean the world to another.
Redditor Aromatic_Ad_5551 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for demanding my friend replace a hand-painted, signed copy of The Song of Achilles my late boyfriend gave me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My B[oy]F[riend] passed away about a year ago, and before he died, he gave me this custom book of ‘The Song of Achilles’ as a birthday gift.”
“It has hand-painted edges from an Etsy artist, and was signed by the author; he even wrote a note to me inside the cover.”
“My friend L knew all of this.”
“She’d been asking to borrow it for months, and I finally said yes because I didn’t want to seem rude.”
“I originally recommended she maybe buy her own book, but she got upset, saying I know she’s unemployed and she can’t afford to do that.”
“For reference, she will not sign up for a library card because she does not have a driver’s license to get herself there.”
“After she kept begging, I got tired of it and told her it was sentimental and to please be careful with it.”
“When she gave it back, the cover had a faint coffee ring, and she annotated the entire thing in bright purple pen.”
“Not smart or meaningful notes, either, it was more like random paragraphs about her ex doodles, underlines, and random notes like ‘this part reminds me of me and Jason lol.’”
“She also dog-eared multiple pages!”
“I understand wanting to annotate a book, but I just don’t think it’s ok with a book someone else is letting you borrow.”
“She also kept the book in the bottom of her bag, where it was really beat up.”
“I told her she ruined it, and she laughed and told me it’s just a book.”
“She said she ‘made it more special because it had notes from a friend and now it looks like it’s actually been read,’ and that my boyfriend ‘would have loved how passionate she was about it.’”
“He was studying for an English degree.”
“I told her that was completely out of line and that I wanted her to replace it.”
“She snapped back that I was being selfish and I only wanted money.”
“She said the book is fine, and I can still read it.”
“I said I didn’t care about money, I just wanted her to take responsibility, or at least try to replace it.”
“She said that it wasn’t even available anymore and told me to ‘let it go.’”
“Now some mutual friends are saying I overreacted and that I’m projecting my grief.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for asking her to replace it or at least admit she messed up?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’m going one further and say she did it on purpose.”
“She knew exactly how much it meant to you, and she begged to borrow it with the intention of ruining it.”
“This person is not your friend.” ~ Justaguyinvegas
“I’m just wondering why OP said yes.”
“If she had been asking for months… then being rude was irrelevant at this point.”
“Her ‘friend’ wore her down, which is the first of many red flags.”
“No decent person asks to borrow such a personal item.”
“This item was far too valuable to let anyone borrow.”
“OP must also accept that her friend will never be able to replace it (which the friend knew and gleefully ruined).”
“Etsy artwork, signed and with a note?”
“This book was a one of a kind that is now marred by her friend and will serve as a constant reminder of this vs what it was originally.” ~ silfy_star
“I am a LIT major and would have put it in a place of prominence on my bookshelf, not in a safe.”
“That said, it would have never left my house.”
“I would have told the friend to borrow a copy from the library or buy the e-book or a paperback.”
“If I were feeling generous, I might even splurge and buy the paperback and gift it for a birthday or Christmas.”
“But that’s the extent of it.”
“A used copy, as you suggested, is also a terrific option.”
“I feel so bad for OP, there’s no getting it back.”
“If she wanted to go scorched Earth, she could bring the ‘friend’ to small claims court.” ~ 2dogslife
“Because OP is a doormat and ‘friend’ needed to be sure she could still have her way with OP and ruining the book was her way of showing OP she is the boss of the pair and can do whatever she wants.”
“Now it’s on OP to either prove her ‘friend’ right and stay friends with her even if grumpily, or actually just dump this woman from her life already, who does nothing but take and have petty power struggles with when there shouldn’t be any.” ~ GoodQueenFluffenChop
“Replace her as a friend and tell her you are taking her to small claims court if she does not replace the item.”
“Then do it. NTA.” ~ Jealous_Radish_2728
“I’m gonna be so for real, if someone damaged a sentimental book of mine and said they ‘made it more special because it had notes from a friend,’ I would tell them they were being really presumptuous by calling themself my friend.”
“NTA. In your position, she would honestly be dead to me.” ~ riontach
“You’re definitely NTA, but it IS your fault for lending such an important book.”
“Never in a million years would I lend something so precious, no matter how many times someone asked.”
“Ditch this person who is not a friend, and I hope this painful lesson is learned and engraved in your brain now.” ~ Beautiful_Rule3029
“NTA. And I’m not trying to blame you in any way.”
“It’s genuinely not your fault she’s a shi**y person.”
“But for future reference, never trust people who can’t accept a simple boundary like ‘no, you can’t borrow my book.'”
“People who coerce you aren’t your friend.” ~ RattusRattus
“Normally, I’m not great at picking up on posts that aren’t real, but what made me think that might be the case here is other friends saying she’s overreacting and projecting her grief.”
“Either OP has the worst friends ever, or this isn’t real.”
“If it is, OP, please get a whole new set of friends, because these people aren’t it.”
“If someone did this to my friend’s book, I’d be right there backing said friend up; any decent person would.”
“NTA, but these people are not your friends.”
“I hope you find some better ones, and I’m so sorry about your boyfriend.”
“That sux, and you deserve a better support system.” ~ hotmessblessed
“NTA. At all.”
“She’s not your friend.”
“For future reference, if someone keeps asking for something even after you’ve said no, that’s a sign they have trouble with boundaries and don’t have a ton of respect for you.”
“Expect it to get worse after they learn you’ll eventually give in.”
“I’ve also learned, over the years, that a quick way to get out of loaning expensive, valuable, or sentimental items, when I don’t want to say no for whatever reason, is to have a loanable version of the same item that I don’t mind losing and that is easily accessible.”
“In other words, if I have a rare signed book on display, I also have a used copy that I bought for $3 (which is about how much it would cost to get a copy of ‘The Song of Achilles’ online used).”
“I keep some thrifted swimsuits that I’ve cleaned by my hot tub in case anyone comes over and wants to borrow one.”
“I have a few older Tupperware containers in a different cabinet than my regular containers for sending someone home with food.”
“I have cheap sunglasses I found on the street one day in the glovebox of my car, and have a few disposable rain ponchos and an older sweatshirt in my coat closet.”
“It’s cut down a lot over the years on having to decide who to lend something I actually care about to.”
“That said, no is a perfectly good answer at any point, and it’s not your fault you trusted a friend who was awful to you.”
“The only thing you need to let go of here is the idea of this person as your friend.” ~ IVF_Account
“NTA. That is NOT a friend.”
“Any mutual ‘friends’ saying you’re overreacting need to be kicked to the curb, too.”
“You don’t dog-ear, write in, stain, or otherwise damage a book you are borrowing without offering to replace it, and you especially don’t do that to a book that was customized by a deceased loved one.”
“That was beyond cruel, and she should be taken to small claims court over the damages.” ~ Crypticbeliever1
“NTA. She definitely should not have ruined your book, especially considering the sentimental value of it.”
“She is not your friend, is she is this dismissive of your feelings.”
“She needs to buy you a new book (which will never replace the one your boyfriend gave you) and you need to cut her off.” ~ Lumpy_Strawberry9879
“NTA for not wanting an expensive and sentimental piece of personal property defaced.” ~ Accomplished_Mix5409
OP came back with an Update…
“Thank you, everyone, for your advice and comments.”
“While I may not be the a-hole, I am the dumb A** for letting her borrow my book.”
“Unfortunately, I learned my lesson, and I see not everyone always has kind intentions.”
“Thank you.”
This is a sad situation, OP.
Reddit is loud and clear with its feelings.
Your “friend” did you dirty.
You are better off without her in your life.
So sorry for your double loss.