Xenophobia is defined as "dislike of or prejudice against people from other countries."
That prejudice includes disrespect or disregard for other cultures including their customs, traditions and cuisine.
When couples come from different cultures, xenophobia can be an issue if one family feels their culture is superior.
A woman is dealing with xenophobia from her husband's family, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for an outside perspective.
Alarmed-Advance-1658 asked:
"AITA for asking my sister-in-law (SIL) to pay me for the cost of hair and skin oils she threw out?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, female) and my husband Alex (34, male) have allowed my SIL Julie (34, female) to stay in our house due to her soon-to-be ex (STBX) kicking her out after filing for divorce."
"Julie still has her job, but doesn't want to go through the ordeal of getting a new apartment while dealing with her STBX and we didn't want her to have to stay dura hotel during that."
"I'm Indian, and Alex and the rest of his family are White. I feel like that may be relevant to what happened here."
"I use oils for most of my hair and skin care, I also use chemically manufactured products, but I found that oils are better for my hair and skin. That's also how my mother cared for me when I was younger."
"Julie disapproves of this and thinks that I'm just going around town an oily and greasy mess, despite me repeatedly explaining why I do this to her. She's tried to convince me to switch to all chemical products she uses, but I politely decline each time."
"When I woke up today after sleeping in with Alex, I walked into our shared bathroom and saw the case of my oils was not there. I looked further around the bathroom to see where it could be and asked my husband if he had moved it."
"Alex said no, and that's when I went into the living room and asked Julie about the case."
"Julie gave me a smirk and told me that she had woken up early this morning and took my case out of the bathroom to drive to the other side of the community we live in and dump it into the garbage bin there."
"I was tired and thought she was joking until Julie bragged about it, saying that she did me a favor and that I wouldn't have to use such uncivilized ways of taking care of myself."
"Once her words sunk in, I was pissed and called Alex into the room to explain to him what she did. Alex seemed disappointed, but not surprised about what Julie did and told her what she did was disrespectful."
"Julie tried to defend herself, saying that she only did what she thought was best and it shouldn't be such a big deal. I cut her off, saying that I wanted her to give me $76, which was the cost of the oils so I could replace them."
"Julie got nervous and said she was in a tight spot financially so she couldn't pay me back right away. I said that was fine, but I expected her to pay me at some point."
"After a small back and forth Julie eventually packed a bag and said she'd be staying in a hotel to give me time to cool down and realize how irrational I was being."
"A few hours later, my mother-in-law (MIL) and father-in-law (FIL) scolded me for making Julie uncomfortable in my home and that I shouldn't force her to pay for something so small."
"My husband asked his mom how she'd feel if Julie tossed out the hundreds of dollars of skincare she owned because Julie thought it wasn't good for her."
"My MIL just replied with 'That's different' before telling us that I should apologize and then hanging up."
"My MIL and FIL are paying for Julie's hotel and apparently are going to do so until she comes back to our house."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I could've just decided to pay for the oils myself, and Julie wouldn't have left to go stay in the hotel."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. She stole your items. It doesn't matter if she used them, gave them away, or trashed them."
"She stole YOUR items, and you don't have them anymore. This is after you graciously let her live in YOUR house!"
"'That's different'? Bullsh*t. 'Something so small'? Then the FIL/MIL can give you the $76! 'Tight spot financially'? Then maybe not incur costs by stealing other people's sh*t?"
"'She thought was best'—how about NOT doing that in someone else's house‽‽ Does she throw out things she doesn't approve of in every host's house or just yours?"
"I am curious why her ex threw her out, but I have my suspicions." ~ kuken_i_fittan
"...'until she returns to our house'. That would be never. Not even for a visit. She stole from OP. I would never trust her in my home again." ~ jilliecatt
"Right? She would not be coming back."
"I also find MIL's 'That's different' comment very telling...seems the racist apple doesn't fall far and all that."
"OP is NTA. I have sensitive skin and use oils..if somebody just threw them out I'd be beyond livid." ~ just_reading_along1
"I agree about MIL. Personally, I'd be talking to my husband about his family—at least those mentioned in this post."
"SIL definitely wouldn't be returning to my home again, and parents may not either if they continue to believe that neither I nor my belongings should be respected in my own home, especially by a guest who I've inconvenienced my household for to help them."
"Husband needs to talk to his family for sure about the levels of disrespect they're showing his wife and his home here."
"I never used oils, as I have really dry skin and have seen research that oils could actually dry it out more. But you don't throw out things that aren't your belongings."
"I don't even attempt to toss things that look like trash in another person's home because that receipt might be important, or that random piece of paper with scribbles on it might be a child's drawing or something sentimental somehow." ~ jilliecatt
"NTA 💯%. But your husband's family certainly is. Not just AHs, but racist AHs, which makes it so MUCH worse."
"...'use such uncivilized ways of taking care of myself'."
"That's racist af. Seriously. You should be furious and absolutely not let her back in your home until she profusely apologizes and starts paying you back."
"Your husband needs to explain to Julie that she is racist and such disrespect won't be tolerated in your household. If not blatantly racist, then horribly ignorant of other cultures/customs."
"...'to give me (OP) time to cool down and realize how irrational I (OP) was being'."
"Oh dear god, Julie has that completely backwards. Please don't let Julie back in your house until she comes to her senses and realizes how racist and close-minded her words and actions were."
"'My MIL replied with "that's different"'."
"Ask her to explain how that's ANY different? It's horrifically disrespectful of your culture and customs. She needs to both explain herself and apologize." ~
"I'm sorry you married into such a closed-minded, racist family with no respect for other cultures. Your husband needs to make this right by getting them to understand just how awful their words and actions are." ~ AppropriateScience71
"Just don't let her back in the house at all."
"She's exhausting and revoked her own guest rights."
"Also, given how racist and ugly her actions and comments, I wouldn't trust having her there anyway."
"NTA and ignore the rest of their racist family. Sounds like hubby is the only good egg from the bunch." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA for me. Yeah SIL is definately the massive AH and not to mention a racist too."
"Most people have sensitive skin and we all have different skin care routines. The audacity of Julie to smirk and with the racist 'uncivilized methods' and not even replacing them." ~ wolfram127
"NTA. She stole from you. She STOLE from you."
"When confronted with that fact, she decided she would rather pay roughly the equivalent of what she stole from you to a hotel for a room to stay in so that she could wait out your anger."
"She's so ridiculously in the wrong here but yet also so fabulously stubborn that she sounds like she's willing to die on this hill. Let her." ~ Some-Negotiation2493
"NTA. Don't apologize, don't ever let SIL back into your home, and don't let go of the money she owes you for your beauty products."
"SIL is snotty and self-righteous, and if you let this slide this time, it will only get worse from here."
"Same for your MIL: if it is 'so small' then she should have no problems to pay for the damages herself. She is toxic af."
"Your husband is standing behind you. That's a great relief. Maybe go no contact with SIL and at least low contact with MIL."
"You haven't done anything wrong!" ~ Diesel-King
"...'SIL is snotty and self-righteous...'."
"And racist. Don't forget racist." ~ TheRipley78
"If SIL is staying gone until you apologize and the in-laws are paying for her hotel room, I'd call that natural consequences. They can reap what they sew while not hearing a peep from OP." ~ Bnhrdnthat
This issue seems to go far beyond the oils.
It looks like the OP and her husband need to decide if Julie should be welcomed into their home again.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.