Death and money can be two of the most brutal aspects of life.
How much money is left after death is always a hot-button issue.
Who gets what?
Who has to pay for what?
Those questions can cause generational strife.
Redditor pobin91 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not being supportive of giving my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] $4000 a year?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] just passed away recently.”
“My husband and his siblings met with his mom to discuss finances – she has $40,000 to her name (is 76).”
“They did the math and decided that she needs around $12,000 a year to help her with expenses- which the siblings are going to split.”
“Well, except one, who is refusing to pay.”
“Therefore, we have to pay $4000 for her property tax and credit card bill.”
“My husband never asked me if this was okay but rather told me it was happening.”
“In the moment I said nothing because his dad had literally just passed away days before.”
“But I’m very frustrated.”
“We have 2 young kids and another on the way.”
“I’m a teacher.”
“He makes good money but we still have a tight budget.”
“I don’t know what to do at this point but I refuse to shell out $4000 to her when they were extremely irresponsible with their $.”
“I worry what will happen if there is a huge expense that arises.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for being furious about this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If you are sharing finances, he shouldn’t be making decisions like this without your input.”
“If you have separate money there probably isn’t much you can do if it’s his money he is giving her.”
“On the other hand, what goes around comes around – does he at least inherit a share of this property one day?”
“That might pay it back and then some.” ~ alien_overlord_1001
“If you are paying her credit card bills, then insist on access to them and her credit reports to make sure that no one is opening accounts in her or her late husband’s name.”
“She’s a perfect victim for scammers; recently widowed, older, and not tech savvy.”
“Otherwise you could be looking at a lot of money being stolen.”
“When my neighbor was widowed she had scammers coming out of everywhere with offers to help invest her money, sell her home, or try to woo her.”
“Her kids kept guard but it was still hard.”
“Some it came from friends.”
“One of her late husband’s friends told her that he had been promised his tool sets.” ~ Emotional-Hair-1607
“Your MIL should downsize, pay off their debts, possibly live with one of her kids, or get a small apartment.”
“Whoever takes her in should inherit whatever is left of their money.”
“All options should be considered before thinking of financing her indefinitely. NTA.” ~ Mintyfresh2022
“This is one of those issues where the answer will depend very much on your culture.”
“The way you and your husband have agreed to structure your finances, and your own financial circumstances and values.”
“Consider things before deciding.”
“What will happen to MIL if you and your husband don’t pay?”
“How will your husband feel about that, how will you feel about it, how will it impact your relationship?”
“If you do pay, how will that affect you and your relationship?”
“Only you can determine whether the consequences of your actions, whichever way you go, are acceptable to you. NAH.” ~ Hairy_rambutan
“Well, to give you some perspective, my husband agreed to live in an intergenerational home because my mom needs care, and it’s easier for me to take care of her if I’m close to her.”
“This was not his first choice, but I do appreciate the sacrifice.”
“We also support his dad, who worked hard all his life but not in a field that paid well but he lives far away.”
“We help financially only since he is in great shape for 76!”
“For us, it doesn’t really matter because we decided to take care of our parents.”
“If it was your mom who needed help, would you want him to help out?”
“I read a ton of stories on Reddit of the elderly getting scammed and being in trouble, what if your mom saved but this happened to her, or what if your dad got sick and you needed to work less to help out?”
“Would you want your husband to be supportive?”
“All I’m saying is that whatever you choose to do in this situation will set a standard.”
“Last April I had to take a leave from my work because of health issues.”
“My husband handled everything. He did not blame me. He did not talk to me about the budget or my responsibilities.”
“He was a team player and helped me get back on track.”
“That’s the standard we always had in our marriage.”
“It’s okay to be feeling the way you feel but I don’t think you see the bigger picture.”
“Ultimately he’s not going to abandon his 76 years old mom.”
“If the roles were reversed, would you say he’s an AH?” ~ Deep_Interview_3337
“Yeah, the comment section is wild.”
“Absolutely he should have discussed this with her but she is also mad about the amount itself not just the lack of heads up.”
“It’s his mom!”
“The fact that another sibling is a selfish AH doesn’t mean the husband wants to be a selfish AH.” ~ StuffedSquash
“NTA. Your husband had no right to make such a major financial decision without discussing it with you first.”
“Four thousand dollars a year is a huge expense, especially when you are raising two kids, have another on the way, and are already dealing with student loan debt.”
“This is not just about helping his mom; it is about ensuring your own family’s financial stability.”
“While it is understandable that he wants to support his mom during a difficult time, it is not fair for your household to take on such a burden without your input.”
“Let us not forget that his parents made irresponsible financial choices in the past, like borrowing extra money from your husband’s student loans.”
“You are still paying off that debt, which makes this even more frustrating.”
“On top of that, one sibling is refusing to contribute entirely, leaving you to pick up the slack.”
“Why should your family be expected to cover more when you are already stretching your budget to make ends meet?”
“This is not fair or reasonable, especially when you were not even consulted.”
“You have every right to be upset. “
“Your husband needs to understand that these kinds of decisions affect both of you and must be made as a team.”
“You are not wrong for prioritizing your own family’s needs and refusing to take on someone else’s financial mistakes without being part of the conversation.” ~ SensualTessa
“NTA. It’s understandable to want to help the family, but your husband should’ve discussed this with you first.”
“You’re a team, especially with kids and a tight budget, and big financial decisions need to be mutual.” ~ Mayaa-Green
“I think you need to make this a loan situation especially since one of the siblings isn’t contributing.”
“When the MIL passes, then you can collect on the debt.”
“Win for all and the sibling not paying isn’t getting ‘extra’ from the estate since they haven’t helped support the MIL.”
“Put it all in writing.”
“NTA, your husband should have discussed the financial decision with you first.” ~ whatinth3w0rldisthis
“NTA but if the dad passed a few days ago, people need to slow down before they start paying off the debt they potentially don’t own.”
“For example, if the credit card was in the dad’s name, they likely don’t need to pay it off since it’s not considered her debt.”
“Depending on the debt amount, it may not make sense to pay it off in her name either.”
“Also, many places have a ‘widow property tax exception’ that will lower property taxes.”
“They really need to talk to someone who knows what they’re doing before deciding all of this.” ~ uhnothanksssss
“NTA but you need to talk to him.”
“Is this the only issue you two have or is it the icing on the cake?”
“Where is this money going to come from?”
“What is he giving up to afford it without affecting your family?”
“Have a chat, decide how you want this to go.”
“Lay down expectations and explain how hurt you are that he didn’t even discuss it with you.”
“You are a team or you are not. Good luck.” ~ Safe_Draft_1330
“NTA, he shouldn’t be making family financial decisions of this large without your consent.”
“I wouldn’t pay the money either.”
“Your life and future are just as important as MIL’s.”
‘Your I[n]-L[aw]s life choices are not your problem.”
“If IL poorly planned for their future, that’s on them.”
“The whole “my children will take care of me in my old age” is selfish.” ~ Traditional-Joke5758
“No. No. No.”
“It’s bad enough when grown adults don’t plan for their retirement years.”
“Worse when they expect their kids to be the retirement plan and absolutely unacceptable that a person who marries into the family is expected to give up a penny of the money they are earning for their life and family. NTA.” ~ Responsible-Yard-565
“NTA, but neither is your husband, he definitely should have discussed this with you and yep it seems like his parents have not been financially responsible.”
“Your husband feels the need to take care of his mom and it is honorable for him to do so.”
‘Your ‘refusal’ to shell out the money is a battle you are going to lose.” ~ Chickets17
“NTA. You’ve said in your comments that you are not rolling in money and that you share finances.”
“Therefore, this decision affects both of you and the kids but was made unilaterally by him.”
“Your husband probably feels there is no other option and that the money will come back as inheritance eventually.”
“But A… This is not guaranteed and…”
“B… You don’t make unilateral financial decisions in a marriage.” ~ Heavy-Ad-3467
“NTA but you should look for alternative options.”
“For example, consider that money they give her as part of a down payment to buy her house, that way the brother who’s not helping won’t be able to swing by after her passing and receive an equal amount.” ~ LessResident9495
“NTA, but DO get some estate planning for MIL in place; especially stating that the person who refuses to pay gets nothing when she dies unless the others have all been paid back.” ~ ProfessionalEven296
“NTA. Sounds like your husband needs to make another $4000 after taxes.” ~ Tiny_Anteater_785
OP came back with more info…
“Sorry for the confusion.”
“I’m upset because he committed to this without asking me.”
“If he asked I wouldn’t have said no.”
“I’m not thrilled with it, but I know she needs help.”
“The sibling who isn’t helping is the biggest a**hole and would expect equal inheritance.”
“The townhome is fully paid off.”
“They are paying off the credit cards.”
“I agree we need to sit down and I need to get more info.”
“$4000 a year won’t make us homeless, but that’s a lot of money to commit to.”
“We lived paycheck to paycheck for years and finally last year my husband started making good money.”
“So it’s very new to us to have a little extra money.”
“If she truly needs the help I’m happy to do it, but just wish I would have been a part of the discussion.”
“That’s all.”
“We also need a new car.”
“I have driven the same car for 14 years and it won’t work with three kids – and this amount monthly is like a car payment too.”
This is a very overwhelming situation OP.
Reddit understands your feelings.
Extended family issues can be brutal, and money issues always cause stress.
Hopefully, you and your husband can come to an understanding.
Good luck.