Death and funerals are never easy.
But they are an inescapable part of life.
When a loved one dies, people usually need time to mourn.
And when a person is mourning they tend to hope loved ones will help pick up the daily slack.
Case in point…
Redditor JustFarm3509 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not thinking of dinner for my family before I left?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (30 F[emale]) had a funeral to attend with my older son (12 M[ale]) of his best friend’s mom, who is also one of my best friends.”
“My Husband (29 M) didn’t want to go.”
“I left work an hour sooner, got the kids settled, and got myself ready so as soon as he got home from work I was walking out the door as previously planned.”
“I only decided to attend with my oldest son and leave the other children (5 M, 6 M, 8 F, 10 M) home with my husband.”
“We left at 3 pm, and it lasted until 8:30 pm. We were included in the food after.”
“I didn’t buy or bring food home.”
“I assumed that if I was busy, my husband could handle it.”
“However, I walked into kids starving and my husband yelling at me I didn’t buy him food on the way home.”
“He didn’t even ask.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA for not preparing dinner or buying dinner?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Did your husband lose his arms during the day? No?”
“In that case, he should have made dinner for himself and for all those children.”
“And I wrote that last bit on purpose because I really don’t see how you could sire that many kids without having the slightest idea of how to provide a meal for them.”
“I do not believe it is possible to be that incompetent.” ~ FragrantEconomist386
“Imagine if he leaves and has to have the children 50% of the time or even every second weekend.”
“Your workload would reduce, you would get some time to yourself and maybe he would learn a lesson.”
“Unless he is violent or abusive sit down and have a list of what needs to be done.”
“Put on the list what you do and what he does – the visual can be helpful.”
“Now write each of these on a sticky note (one sticky note for every meal prepared for lunch or dinner), and then you allocate a time/complexity to them, and you each add them one at a time to your sheet of paper.”
“If you want to cook five nights, and he is happy to do laundry, and you both think that’s fair, then you can do the bulk picks that way.”
“If your husband is not enamored with this idea, then does he respect you and your time?”
“Food for thought. Take care.”
“You went to the funeral of someone you cared about with your son.”
“Tell your husband to go bite himself. Big NTA.” ~ BusCareless9726
“NTA. Your husband, however, is.”
“Who feeds young children dinner after 8:30 pm?”
“Who expects their grieving wife to order takeaway after attending a funeral?”
“Your husband is selfish and incompetent.” ~ JaxValentine91
“NTA. I’m at a loss sometimes reading posts like this.”
“My dad has been a functioning alcoholic for my entire life. He could be 20 beers deep, but he would still feed the four of us if he was at home without my mom.”
“Even if it just meant ordering pizza.”
“You deserve a partner who actually cares enough about you and your kids to be an equal parent.”
“Expecting you to deal with dinner when you’re with your grieving son at a funeral???? Despicable.” ~ enjoy-the-ride-
“I really hope there isn’t a next time and that you put yourself and your children first because your ‘partner’ sure as heck isn’t.”
“If this has been escalating for a year now unless he’s suffering from an undiagnosed brain tumor, it’ll just keep getting worse.”
“Get out now before it affects you even more and starts to hurt your children mentally.”
“Best of luck. NTA.” ~ Castingjoy
“Is your husband paralyzed from the eyes down?”
“Did you take every form of communication, put bars over the windows, and lock the doors from the outside?”
“Then he could and should have acted like an adult and fed himself and his children. NTA.” ~ Internal_Progress404
“NTA!!!!! It is absolutely INSANE behavior for your husband to weaponize his incompetence to the extent that he refuses to feed his four young children.”
“This is not healthy, not normal.” ~ BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
“NTA. Your husband is a grown man who can surely figure out dinner for one night, especially when you’re attending a funeral.”
“Maybe suggest a cooking class as a Christmas gift, so he doesn’t starve next time you’re out.” ~ Useful_West_1938
“NTA. It’s irrelevant where you were… man’s couldn’t even Door Dash a couple of fluffing pizzas for himself and the kids?”
“This is some Grade A BS in any situation but to pull this after you’ve returned from a funeral honestly makes it 10 times grosser.”
“Also, my condolences to you and your eldest on your loss.” ~ eggosarentrealfood
“NTA. Unless your husband is disabled or otherwise unable to make/buy food, then I don’t see how this can be blamed on you.”
“He knew you were leaving and he would be in charge of the kids.”
“If they got hungry, and he’s a capable adult, he could have easily fed them.”
“He’s just as much a parent as you so trying to act like this is your fault doesn’t make sense.” ~ Stranger0nReddit
OP came back to chat…
“No, I believe he is fully capable.”
“But even with me working, running a business, and working around my kid’s needs, everything house and kids fall on me.”
“I’m the default parent, and he’s only working 40 hours, then he eats, comes home, watches TV sleeps.”
“I applied for housing as I make money, but it sure isn’t enough to manage a whole household alone.”
“The waitlist is six months, and I feel like that is plenty of time to get every duck in a row, starting with lawyers, child support, and documenting everything in 6 months that happens; I know I can do this.”
“With his schedule with work and the Army- he would end up with 4 days a month with the kids.”
“He is even unable to get the kids from school or stay home with them when they’re sick.”
“It’s been a hard few days.”
“I’m just so tired of the added stress.”
“I didn’t even think about food for everyone else.”
“My son is a mess, that was his ‘second mom.'”
“I loved her so much because of how much she loved him, too.”
“They even put him in the obituary as the ‘bonus child.'”
“My husband doesn’t understand the pain that I have for my son and the loss of ‘just a friend,’ but she was the first person you call when you have to say ‘listen to this s**t.'”
Reddit continued…
“NTA… this is not a good situation for you or your children.”
“A grown man DID NOT FEED HIS CHILDREN when they were hungry, and it was supper time.”
“Even giving the benefit of the doubt that he can’t cook, he could have made cold sandwiches or ordered a pizza.”
“Letting the children go without food deliberately is child abuse.” ~ TravellerTakesA_Trip
“NTA but your husband is.”
“Tell him he either makes dinner two times a week for everyone (or gets take out), or you will only be cooking for the kids from now on, and he can fend for himself.” ~ Ok-Huckleberry6975
“NTA. That’s unfortunate he couldn’t see through his hungries to get Doordash or throw in something that was frozen in the freezer.”
“Old school phone in for Pizza delivery is also a classic choice.”
“At the heart of it, he doesn’t believe providing food is his responsibility and is doubling down on his incompetence.” ~ Snackinpenguin
“NTA. Good grief!”
“He is a grown man and is capable of fixing a simple dinner for himself and four kids.”
“Grilled cheese and soup is a simple meal.”
“Cereal is also a favorite.”
“Boil a hot dog. Order a pizza.” ~ 1000thatbeyotch
“NTA – Your husband starved his kids and blamed you for it.”
“He’s willfully incompetent, to the point he’s ready and willing to leave the kids hungry.”
“Man couldn’t even be bothered to order a dang pizza.”
“You did nothing wrong, and you need to be firm and tell him that you will not stand for this kind of childish behavior from him again.”
“You and your eldest were GRIEVING, and he welcomed you with verbal abuse.”
“That’s not good for you or the kids, especially the one who just got done attending a freaking funeral.” ~ CrimsonKnight_004
“NTA, but your husband is TA in a major way. Is he usually this entitled, insensitive, and immature?”
“If this kind of thing isn’t a very rare occurrence, I’d recommend scrapping him and trading up to a partner who can act like an adult.” ~ LimpConsideration497
“NTA – This has to be a joke.”
“One of your best friends dies, jerk husband decides he doesn’t want to support you or your 12-year-old son by going too, and he was with your other kids for 5 hours without feeding them, and then he yelled at YOU?!?!”
“I just read some of your comments.”
“This marriage is not going to last. Cut your losses.” ~ Aggressive_Today_492
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your husband is capable of taking care of his children, no matter what.
I am sorry that you and your son have to go through this.
Grieving is never easy, especially without support.