Guest lists to major life events can get lengthy very quickly.
Weddings are especially tricky when it comes to attendance.
That list can explode within my five family members and their extended relatives.
If a person isn’t careful, the price tags for these events can leave people broke.
So some people just don’t make the cut.
Redditor oldman_redditTA wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not letting my daughter’s B[oy]F[riend] propose at my vow renewal?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (50 M[ale]) have been married to my wife for almost 25 years.”
“We plan on throwing a huge vow renewal in December, it’s basically going to be like a 2nd wedding.”
“The whole shebang.”
“We have 7 kids together and this regards our baby girl LaLa, (20 F[emale]).”
“Her boyfriend came to me a little over a month ago and asked me for her hand, and also asked if he could propose at the vow renewal.”
“He’s a great guy, and we get along super well, and I genuinely like him for my daughter.”
“I said yes to both originally and was super excited.”
“A few weeks pass, and he asks if he can also invite a few family members of his.”
“I was expecting maybe his parents and siblings, but he instead sends me a list of 25 family members he wants to add.”
“I have a few problems with this.”
“His family does NOT like my daughter. “
“They are Asian and do not like that their son is with a black woman.”
“And considering nearly everyone else there will be black… (to be fair, my daughter says he always sticks up for her, and I have witnessed this myself).”
“He expects us to fund these people, like regular guests.”
“As I mentioned, this would be just like a wedding.”
“So 25 extra people is a LOT of money.”
“I told him I couldn’t accommodate that many people, he got angry and said I was ruining his special moment and that ‘I don’t really care about Lala’ and said I can’t do anything if they just show up.”
“I said they absolutely will not show up.”
“I then told him he still had my hand/permission to marry my daughter, but he was not allowed to propose at the vow renewal.”
“Now he, his family, and my 2 sons both say I was being an a**hole and should just suck it up.”
“But my other kids and my wife say that I’m not an a**hole and that he’s crazy.”
“Obviously, Lala does not know about any of this.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. And he’s not the great guy you think he is.”
“The fact that he made the comment about you not being able to do anything they just showed up tells you exactly what kind of person he is.” ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
“Yeah, I gotta say I think it’s time to bring OP’s daughter into the loop.”
“This is pretty hostile and egregious behavior, and she needs to know about it before potentially agreeing to marry him.”
“OP, imagine that after their wedding, he stops sticking up for her and things deteriorate.”
“Would you feel rotten for having had this information about his character and having not shared it with her?”
“She’s an adult, and if she’s mature enough to get married, she’s mature enough to value honesty and open communication over a fairy tale, ‘surprise,’ even if she’s momentarily disappointed.”
“Sticking up for someone in the moment is great.”
“But knowing his family doesn’t like her and it’s a racial thing, he wants to bring 25 of them to an event celebrating your love with your wife, and where their worst fear (him permanently attached to her) will be sprung on them?”
“That’s just asking for a disaster.”
“A reasonable person would want to protect their future spouse from such vitriol during such an intimate moment, and certainly wouldn’t want to stoke any flames by forcing it to occur at another big event where any confrontation will have to take place in front of everyone she loves.” ~ myironlions
“100% agreed.”
“She should be aware that her partner intends to stomp on perfectly reasonable boundaries created by her own father at HIS vow renewal to her mother.”
“I hope OP spills the proverbial beans because this is a huuuuuge deal. NTA.” ~ drawkward101
“He needs to create his own special moment, not piggyback off yours.”
“He’s basically asking you to plan and pay for his proposal party and then getting pissy when you won’t agree to invite all his family and friends, pay for them all, knowing his family will not be happy about the proposal anyway, and will probably ruin your vow renewal/25th anniversary party.”
“This is not a great guy.”
“He needs to take your daughter for a walk on the beach and propose, or something equivalent, that fits into his budget.”
“Did you take over someone else’s wedding and propose to your wife?”
“Of course not.”
“That would just be tacky.”
“Sorry, but unless he apologizes and makes other plans, you need to reconsider your approval of this marriage or at least tell him he needs to wait until he is more mature and not willing to ruin your night just so he doesn’t have to make any arrangements of his own.” ~ Successful_Voice8542
“That was what I was looking for.”
“He doesn’t want to pay to host people for HIS public proposal!”
“I thought OP was being generous, expecting immediate family, May 4-6 max.”
“25 people are a small wedding on their own.”
“Does he have ANY clue the cost of hosting a wedding?”
“I think NOT.”
“The largest event he probably ever had to pay for was tickets to the prom.”
“Poor OP for getting backed into a corner.”
“So, NTA for pushing back.” ~ 2dogslife
“Let me guess, OP’s daughter has been with this guy for like only two years, and his worst traits are only just starting to come out.”
“Plus, she’d be marrying into a racist family.”
“Huge red flags all around. NTA.” ~ JuanJeanJohn
“NTA. Everything else aside, if I were your daughter, I wouldn’t want to be proposed to at my parents’ vow renewals.”
“Like, I want my own moment, WTF?” ~ Comfortable-Drop87
“NTA. I’d rethink this guy.”
“He’s basically trying to freeload off your event, which is jerky, and he’s being an @ss about it, which is worse.”
“I’d be having a conversation with my daughter about this behavior, honestly.”
“He’s an a**hole.” ~ maybemaybenot2023
“Yes, exactly this.”
“Your daughter needs to know that she’d be marrying an AH, frankly.” ~ 16Bunny
“NTA. He wants to have The Big Moment (probably for social media) when he proposes, but he wants you to foot the bill.”
“How… endearing.”
“Asking to horn in on someone else’s celebration is tacky AF by itself, but adding in a demand for you to pay for 25 extra guests is some shocking entitlement.”
“And then the icing on the cake, it sounds like they are opposed/hostile to your family because of the color of your skin.”
“Wow. Guess you’ve learned your lesson, you can’t give this one an inch or he’ll demand a mile.” ~ KaliTheBlaze
“I’d honestly be a little worried about him marrying my daughter with a reaction like that.”
“He wants to use your special moment, a celebration of 25 years (congrats, that’s amazing), and make it into his.”
“Even if the family loved your daughter, it is not on you to have their family there; that is making the entire thing about them now.”
“Not to mention, isn’t your daughter going to be confused as to why her boyfriend’s family is coming to your vow renewal?”
“It was a bad idea to begin with; his anger and comments would concern me.” ~ groomsbooks
“NTA. The entitlement this boy is showing would actually make me consider if he is ready for marriage.”
“Imagine what he will expect for their own wedding, he will 99% demand you and your wife pay for the whole big wedding.” ~ Kashaya72
“Not gonna lie, OP, his claiming it means you ‘don’t care about her’ would give me a LOT of pause – do you want him to use that sort of language with your daughter?”
“It seems like manipulation may be his go-to if he doesn’t get his way… I’d be reconsidering how I feel about him if I were you.”
“Now this is just one instance, so I can’t judge completely, but that would freak me out a lot to have some (relatively) random a** dude trying to claim what he knows about my familial relationships.”
“He sounds… entitled. NTA.” ~ AnbennariAden
“NTA, he doesn’t really sound like a nice guy.”
“In my opinion, getting married at 20 is crazy.”
“The person you are at 20 is very different from the person you are at 30.” ~ Agreeable_Form_9618
“NTA. Your vow renewal is not his special moment or your daughter’s.”
“You’re allowed to have moments that are just for you and your spouse.”
“If he wants a big proposal moment, he needs to pay for and arrange it himself.”
“If he can’t do that, he’s not ready for a wedding to begin with, much less a marriage.” ~ oliviamrow
“NTA, and honestly, he should do this in private.”
“Putting that much pressure on your daughter publicly isn’t a good thing.”
“She’s only 20.”
“Though depending on the person, most any age will have people who don’t want to be pressured into saying yes.” ~ Unusual-Cucumber-577
“NTA. If he wants a big shebang, he can foot the bill.”
“He doesn’t sound like a very nice guy.”
“Also, 20 is so young to be getting engaged or married, especially to someone whose family doesn’t accept you.” ~ Even_Regular5245
Reddit has your back, OP.
This young man’s behavior is OUTRAGEOUS!
You have every right to dictate what happens at an event YOU’RE paying for.
25 extra people?
Who don’t even like your daughter?
You stand your ground.
Congratulations and good luck.