Alcohol can be very expensive, depending on type.
When planning a party with a group of people where alcohol is served, a budget for alcohol should be set so no one is getting a $500 bottle of something only they drink and taking leftovers home.
BYOB is probably the most equitable.
But if that's not done, who should contribute to the alcohol costs: everyone or just those who imbibed?
A woman wrestling with that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rahimsa31 asked:
"AITA for refusing to split the alcohol costs at a bachelorette party even though I'm pregnant?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my friend had a bachelorette party. We rented out a cute Airbnb house with a hot tub by the lake."
"Everything was paid and organised by us (the party guests) as it was a surprise for the bride. We shared the Airbnb costs evenly, even though I am pregnant so I didn't use the tub (we paid 500 extra just to use the hot tub)."
"We also each made one meal for the party and bought all things needed for the party and the barbeque including alcohol. It was all on one receipt, so it was easier to divide earlier (between the party of course, the bride didn't paid a dime since it was her party)."
"Since I am pregnant and I wasn't drinking, I bought my own alcohol free wine. After the party when we were splitting the bill for the groceries, decorations, etc..., I said I'm going to pay my share excluding alcohol since I haven't drank."
"My friends said that we should split evenly and I was the a**hole for refusing to do so. I told them I paid extra for the house and the tub and it was already 80 bucks for something I didn't use."
"So I will not pay for their alcohol (it wasn't much, but it was still like 50 bucks). I didn't care about the money, but why should I pay for something I said in the beginning that I won't drink?"
"So am I the a**hole?"
The OP later added:
"I didn't bring it up before the party because I didn't think I would be expected to split the alcohol bill."
"I'm not a bridesmaid as I'm not invited to the wedding—it's common in our country."
"We're Polish and we like to party with lots of alcohol."
"I said in the beginning that I'm not going to drink, so everyone knew that."
"I am not grumpy or petty about not being able to 'party' because I'm pregnant. I had a blast and I am very happy about being part of the party despite my condition."
"The girls bought a lot of 'good' alcohol and some of them took what was left home (they hadn't drunk everything)."
"It's actually normal in my country to be invited to the bachelorette and not to the wedding, so it's a cultural thing it seems."
"The bachelorette was 50/50. 4 girls attending were invited to the wedding and 4 weren't."
"I had the best time and I fully enjoyed myself and my company. It's not about the money, but principle? I would never assume vegan to pay for the meat for a barbecue or an abstinent for the alcohol."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to pay for the alcohol I wasn't drinking at the party, since I'm pregnant, but we said to split the costs of the party evenly beforehand."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors couldn't decide if the OP was the a**hole, with some saying they were (YTA).
"YTA. This wasn't a party for you, it was for the bride and you agreed to share costs. The bride drank and went in the hot tub, correct? With your logic, you'd need to assess costs based on how much each guest drank. That's crazy." ~ WestCovina1234
"Nobody likes that person who wants to come to split-cost events, then pulls out the calculator and says, 'well I didn't do X, and I didn't drink Y, and I was just opposed to Z, so instead of a full share, I'm going to pay diddly/squat'." ~ H_Lunulata
"Several years ago, I was out for lunch with two co-workers where we shared a basket of fries. When the bill came, they got into an argument about who ate how many fries—'I don't think I ate a full 1/3 of them so I shouldn't have to pay 1/3 of the cost'. I never went out with either of them again." ~ momdabombdiggity
"Yeah, OP seems to be conflating hosting a party with splitting the bill at a restaurant. I think it's pretty normal at bachelorette parties for the hosts to cover everything, including a selection of (alcoholic and soft) drinks."
"Since it sounds like there was no discussion on the cost split, I think it was fair for others to assume that things would be divided evenly. OP should have clarified the costs and how they would be split beforehand."
"However, she should reflect on why she's balking at paying for anything where she is not able to personally indulge—it starts to sound selfish and petty really fast (especially when she also says it's not about the money). OP, YTA." ~ DeathMachineEsthetic
"If you agree beforehand with other people to split the cost of a party for someone else, you just do it. It doesn't matter if you're not drinking. And if you have a problem with it, you should say something beforehand. This is extremely selfish." ~ caryn1477
"It sounds like YTA for bringing up not wanting to pay for the alcohol after the fact, not before."
"Please don't make this an issue that causes the bride to have to intervene to keep her friends from fighting. Consider it a gift to your friend and learn to communicate your expectations about these things BEFORE the bill comes next time." ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
While others said they weren't (NTA).
"Ugh, she's pregnant and stated that she wouldn't be consuming alcohol. Splitting costs entails accomodations and travel (if traveling together), but to have to pay for others' drinks? Nah that's an unreasonable expectation."
"I will say it is perfectly reasonable to cover her fair share of the bride's portion. As someone else pointed out if it's 4 people over $80, OP would pay $5 while everyone else pays $25." ~ DestructoDon69
"She paid her share for everything including the extra $ for hot tub she couldn't use. That's the right thing. But I don't think she should be paying a share of the alcohol."
"If she was a recovering alcoholic who doesn't drink would they still ask her to pay? That said I wouldn't start a war with friends over it." ~ kitrose4
"NTA. As a non-drinker, I'm not paying for other people's (expensive) alcohol so they can have a good time on my dime. I wouldn't have chipped in for the hot tub I didn't use either but that's just me." ~ wanderingstorm
"Pay your share of just the bride's portion of the alcohol. All the rest of it wasn't a shared expense because you didn't drink. NTA." ~ _ThunderJones_
"NTA. It'd never cross my mind that a pregnant woman would be chipping in for alcohol." ~ Sunny_Snark
"In Australia, there has always been a pregnant women's rate for these sorts of dinners and weekends amongst my peer group." ~ Gullible_Relative843
"I'm in California, and we never, ever, ever make the pregnant woman pay for booze! It's wild to me this is even a question." ~ TiberiusBronte
"NTA. You're pregnant. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to make you pay because well, you're expecting. You also paid extra for the house and the tub. Those people just seem greedy to make you pay so they won't have to pay as much."
"These are some extra wild takes saying YTA. To me, if you consumed the alcohol, then you pay for it. If you did not consume the alcohol you do not pay for it. It's simple."
"Also, you stated that you will not be consuming alcohol. My first thought would be if you told me this, 'ok you're not consuming alcohol, that's one less person I have to ask for their share'. To me this is common sense."
"It's like going on a trip skydiving, but one person stays on the ground due to being scared of heights. I wouldn't ask them for their share because one, they didn't jump out of the plane. Two, it wouldn't be fair to them. Three, it's just plain greedy to ask for money if they only came and stayed on the ground."
"Those people you went with are the a**holes." ~ iOawe
"NTA. There are some wild takes in the YTA responses here. Alcohol costs are directly proportional to consuming. They would have had to buy less because they wouldn't need to account for whatever you were drinking."
"You were already very fair to fully participate in the rental costs, including the upcharge for the hot tub. I think that fairly subsidized the bride's alcohol here."
"Honestly, I'm surprised at the audacity of the other women to have ever expected you to contribute to alcohol. If you were a sober person, would they have done the same? Would all the YTA responses still exist? I think not." ~ Ebyanyothername
Some Redditors thought everything needed to be an even split. Others thought asking a pregnant woman to pay for alcohol was absurd.
With no clear judgment, the OP will have to decide for herself if her stance was acceptable.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.