Redditor Boring-Truck8870 is a mother with an autistic young daughter who experiences anxiety over anyone touching her head or hair.
One day, the Redditor and her husband made a decision concerning their daughter that consequently upset both their parents for different reasons.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole? (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for cutting my daughter's hair"
The Original Poster (OP) explained why there was so much drama over the haircut.
"Okay so for context.. My (30 female) 4 year old daughter has never had her hair cut before. She's autistic and very sensitive about people touching her head or hair at all."
"My mother and MIL have been equally desperate to take her to get her hair cut. Like to the point where I was pretty sure one of them was going to do it without asking us."
"So the other night, my husband (36 M) and I, (after spending 30 minutes with us holding her down while she cried as we tried to brush her hair) said eff it let's just cut it ourselves."
"It's was so long that it was hard to manage And we figured she would feel safer doing it at home."
"It was a huge success, I've cut my own hair a few times so hers looks decent, and she ended up having a blast acting out scenes from tangled. Best case scenario all around."
"BUT now both his and my mom are flipping out. They both wanted to be there for her first hair cut. My mom thinks I ruined my daughter's hair, and my MIL thinks I'm babying her because of her autism. It's become a huge thing."
"At the time it felt like the right thing, but now I'm worried that I should have called them before. Made it like an event or something."
"Was I keeping them from a special event in their only granddaughters life?"
Edit- there are already too many comments to respond, but to clarify a few things 1.I think my MIL is just really uninformed regarding her comments. She does love and care for our kiddo.. she just seems to see ASD as having a "problem" and since our kid is the super flipping awesome amazing kiddo.. she doesn't agree with the diagnosis. We are teaching her that you can be a super freaking awesome kiddo and be autistic.
2. I have no flipping idea why this is such a big deal to them but it also has been. She has gorgeous hair the literal color of gold that people always comment on. They've both become a bit obsessed with her hair for some reason
3. Thank you for all the suggestions! I am reading even if I don't get time to comment. Advice, tips and whatnot always help!
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA...it literally would never occur to me to call my mom or my husband's mom when I cut my kid's hair. They're my kids not my mom's." – ladynutbar
"100% NTA. You know your daughter best, and you did EXACTLY what she needed you to do. Her comfort and well-being are a million times more important than grandparents standing around and watching a hair cut."
"I work with kids on the spectrum and anxieties around getting hair cut is a VERY real thing. Kudos to you, OP, for making this potentially stressful situation fun and comfortable for your child." – MindDeep2823
"NTA. I was a barber for years, and have done countless first haircuts for kids who are on the spectrum. I can tell you from experience that the less people involved the better."
"Most kids do best when there's no music, no extra people, and the cape and wet hair are often a big issue so sometimes no cape no water. They are also dealing with a stranger touching them while holding scissors. It is stressful for them."
"If a parent is capable of doing it at home where they're comfortable that is ideal. It creates a better first experience so when they're ready they can have someone else do it as it's not a new experience anymore." – threehamsofhorror
"NTA - I would never think that I had to call my MIL and Mother to announce I was getting my own child's hair cut. I have a cousin who was born with Down Syndrome. She was the youngest of 12 kids."
"My uncle loved long hair and decreed that my cousin would never have her hair cut. Said uncle worked doing road construction and was rarely at home, so my aunt got the responsibility of taking care of her daughter's long hair."
"When cousin was 8, aunt and uncle divorced. There were only 3 kids living at home. Aunt had found a job, but did not make enough money to get a large apartment and pay the expenses of 3 children, and had basically been a single mom for 25 plus years while uncle was gone for weeks at a time for his job."
"Uncle was no longer working on the road, and Aunt wanted time to herself after years of taking care of 12 children. Aunt also said that it would be unfair to the kids to be pulled out of a school they had been going to and the family home was large and paid for, so it made sense for the kids to stay with uncle."
"2 weeks after uncle had to take care of an 8 year old's hair that hung down to her backside, uncle took cousin to get her hair cut. Uncle loved long hair as long as he didn't have to take care of it." – LadyGrassLake
"Former hairdresser here."
"It might be worth (if you have the time and money) looking into a quick hairdressing course to learn the basics so you don't have to worry so much as your daughter grows."
"Another idea is cheap dolls (charity/thrift shops) and youtube videos. Hair is hair and if you can get the cut line straight then that's 90% of the job done. Youtube has also come a really long way in terms of educational videos for practically everything."
"You could also attach the doll to a roomba in a kids pool for a more 'child' accurate scenario (cause even nuerotypical kids hate sitting still for hairdressers) (this was 95% a joke btw, my most fidgety client was a nt kid I chased round the shop for an hour)."
"Also, NTA at all. You are doing what is best for YOUR child, so anyone else's opinions do not matter. Especially when that opinion is albeist and minimises your family's differences. You do you mama, be someone your daughter is happy with, not someone your mom/mil are satisfied with." – Violentgoth
"As someone who is autistic and has autistic kids -"
"You are NTA for cutting her hair in a way that is less stressful for her. A bit of an a**hole for holding her down to brush her hair - but I get that sometimes it's hard to get kids to allow hair to be brushed."
"I really recommend Cantù detangling spray and we allow tablet time during brushing / it's helped a ton with our kiddo being calmer during hair fixing time." – malevolentk
"NTA The whole babying comment would make me go low contact. The people are out of their mind thinking they have any right to make you feel bad for this. Tell them they can deal with it or be kept at a distance from now on." – Upperclass_hobo
"NTA. Time for a perspective from an autistic person with touch sensory."
"I hate it when people I don't know well touch me especially without asking consent. Whenever I feel touched by a person behind my back, my brain tells me that someone is attacking me and I must defend myself. I had difficulties with dentist and doctor appointments when I was younger because I felt so panicked."
"This might be a problem for you in the future but the best way to handle it is to be there in the room with your child when appointments like these happen. It'll give your child a sense that she is safe and that you'll protect her."
"Another suggestion I can come up with is for you to make sure your daughter has her comfort item (usually a plushie) with her during these appointments." – QuietWeasel
Overall, Redditors remained on the OP's side and agreed that she shouldn't be too concerned with pleasing her mother and MIL about missing out on a "big event".
In edit, the OP clarified a few points mentioned in the thread.
"1.I think my MIL is just really uninformed regarding her comments. She does love and care for our kiddo.. she just seems to see ASD as having a 'problem' and since our kid is the super flipping awesome amazing kiddo.. she doesn't agree with the diagnosis. We are teaching her that you can be a super freaking awesome kiddo and be autistic."
"2. I have no flipping idea why this is such a big deal to them but it also has been. She has gorgeous hair the literal color of gold that people always comment on. They've both become a bit obsessed with her hair for some reason"
"3. Thank you for all the suggestions! I am reading even if I don't get time to comment. Advice, tips and whatnot always help!"
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp