A 23-year-old man found out his also 23-year-old best friend was closer to his 24-year-old ex-girlfriend than he thought.
Unsure what to do, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA8653568 posted:
"Just found out my best friend (23M) has been secretly dating my ex (24F) for months."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Cassie and I were together for 5 years. We started dating in high school and stayed together through college, moved in together after graduation. I've been in love with her since before our first date."
"She's amazing. I still think so."
"We were talking about marriage and starting a family soon. Then one day a few months ago Cassie wanted to 'talk,' sat me down, and said she decided she doesn't want kids."
"She didn't just mean not now, but not ever. She talked a lot about overpopulation or climate change or whatever but I was just immediately depressed."
"I've always wanted to be a dad. My dad was a piece of sh*t and this is something I've wanted to do ever since I was still a kid myself."
"When she finished talking I told her it was over. She started crying and I was already crying, but f'k."
"If she doesn't want the same thing I do from the future what else can I do?"
"She said she's been thinking this way for years and corona was the last straw. I'm not going to wait around and hope she changes her mind when she might not."
"So I moved out and moved in with my best friend 'Ryan'. We've been friends forever, like we bonded over Pokemon cards at the playground kind of thing."
"He's basically my brother and his mom was my extra mom since I didn't have much at home growing up."
"I was in a hurry to move out so I didn't take much stuff with me, and then I didn't want to go back to the apartment and see Cassie, so Ryan was doing the good friend thing and going to get stuff for me whenever I needed it."
"At least that's what I thought he was doing."
"Yesterday would have been me and Cassie's 6th anniversary and it was really rough for me, so I told Ryan I didn't want to be alone and wanted to hang out and game all day with him. He agreed and everything, but he was kind of distracted on his phone a lot, and after a couple hours he said 'something came up' and just left me there alone."
"Sh*t got dark. I'm not ashamed to say I cried. There were reasons I didn't want to be alone that day."
"Almost midnight last night, Ryan finally came home and was acting weird so I asked what was up. I thought maybe his mom was sick or something, she's a teacher at a school that just reopened."
"But no, Ryan sits me down and tells me he's moving out. He's been secretly dating Cassie since a few weeks after we split."
"He says they're in love already and that she needs him more than I do, so he's moving into the apartment with her and leaving me here alone to rot. I don't even know how the f'k to process this."
"I don't know which one of them has broken me more. To make things worse I messaged some of our other friends this morning to tell them what's up and they already knew."
"When I got upset they all said it was 'no big deal' because I'm the one who broke up with Cassie."
"Where do I even go from here?"
"I can't talk to my friends, my ex broke my heart, my best friend stomped on it, and the closest thing I have to family is gone because they were his family too. I'm lost and don't know where else to turn."
While most Redditors piled on the "they don't deserve you anyway" bandwagon, some offered actual advice.
"My cousin dated my ex, then soonafter my best friend dated her. The way the two of them handled it was very different."
"My cousin and her dated secretly for months until I found out. I was furious that they were keeping it a secret, and a bunch of my friends were in on it. I literally had no where to turn because everyone in our friend group and a lot of family knew."
"With my best friend, he told me BEFORE they even started dating, that he was into her and wanted to see where things would go. He attempted to ask me permission to which I responded 'You're both adults and you don't need my permission—I love you both. And I hope it works out for the best'."
"He asked me why I was so chill about it and why I lost my shit when my cousin dated her, and I told him it was because of the dishonesty."
"The two of them have been together much longer than her and I were at this point, and they're probably going to get married. They're a very good fit."
"All this to say, you and Cassie broke up for a reason—remind yourself of that, and don't allow yourself to be jealous of Cassie and Ryan."
"Have a conversation with Ryan and Cassie about honesty, though. The sneaking around/disonesty thing is why you should be upset, not the fact that they're dating." ~ TheProdigalMaverick
Some offered tough love by reminding OP he chose to dump Cassie.
"There's a phrase, 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else'. For some, that's how they choose to move on."
"Once OP broke up with Cassie, she was free to do whatever, and whoever, she wants. She doesn't owe OP anything, least of all how her behavior should be dictated."
"Op may not like it but that's how sh*t goes sometimes. I mean, if I was dumped after a [long term relationship] and a few weeks later found someone I was attracted to was coming up to me, I might have a rebound relationship too."
"Besides, this relationship might have been nearing its expiration date anyway. Some people don't realize how much they need a relationship to be over until it ends."
"Like [people] talk about reversing roles. If you were dumped, do you think your ex's feelings should enter into who you should be with next? I should hope not." ~ Fey_fox
"I don't understand, why is Cassie portrayed as bad if she was just honest about not wanting kids and started going out with the friend after op broke up with her??" ~ chiangceci_
"Did you pee on her?"
"Because if you didn't, as soon as you told her it was over, it was over and it's none of your business who she dates."
"There is no girl-code or bro-code nonsense. If you tell your partner your relationship is over, they're free to do whatever they want, including dating your best friend. If you weren't ready to give her up, you shouldn't have called an end to your relationship." ~ LakotaGrl
The OP returned with an update:
"Bigger sh*t to worry about than my broken heart I guess. Ryan texted me. I'm about to be homeless in a pandemic."
The OP provided no further updates.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.