The decision to have children is individual.
Despite the tales of maternal instinct and biological clocks, every person with a vagina that can carry children doesn’t automatically want to have children. And if a woman chooses to not have children, society should not demand she explain why.
The reason a woman or couple doesn’t have children is their own business and no one else’s.
Redditor gothicquee is a 25-year-old woman who does not want kids.
An argument led her to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit where she asked:
“AITA For telling my soon to be mother in-law if she wants kids she can adopt one.”
The Original Poster (OP) explained what happened.
“I’m a 25 year old female, and I’m blind. The whole idea of having kids scares me, and I honestly don’t want any; and my fiancé is also fine with this decision.”
“Before Christmas my fiancé and I went to see his mother, and aside from my parents they are the only other people we visit in person. While we were there, the subject of children came up; which is usual for his mom.”
“She actually nags us about having kids quite a bit especially after we got engaged. While we were talking she asked me when I was going to have her a baby, I told her I didn’t know because I don’t want kids.”
“Just like everyone else I’ve told this to, she tells me I don’t mean that. then says I have to have her a grand baby.”
“This of course made my blood boil, and I plainly told her that if she wanted a baby so badly she could adopt one.”
“The’n my fiancé spoke up and told her that we’d probably be more willing to have kids if people didn’t nag us about it.”
“Then I asked her if I had ‘baby farm’ tattooed on my forehead. She says yes because I’m a woman and that’s what I’m suppose to do.”
“She doesn’t care that I’m blind, and having a child would be a struggle for me.”
“She just wants me to pump her out a grand child.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
“NTA, but your fiancé should not have given her hope where there is none. Additionally, not all women want to be mother’s and that’s perfectly ok.” – martinigirl2004
In response to the above comment, the OP clarified:
“It wasn’t intentional, he was talking about how my parents also do the same thing. I already told him he should’ve said it like that.”
“He has never been the best at wording things, but what he said is that he was referencing the fact that my parents give us a hard time about this too.”
And when it was suggested the fiancé’s mom should seek therapy, the OP responded:
“Oh my god, if she ever went to therapy the world would end, no offense if you’re Christian; but she tries to use the bible to fix her issues in life.”
The comments favoring the OP continued.
“NTA. Your uterus, your business. End of.” – RainbowDMacGyver
“As a 9 month pregnant lady no one should have to go through this unless they want to give birth. My daughter is digging her skull into my hips as I type this, I can’t sleep more than 2 hours because I constantly have to pee and I’m constantly winded because my lung capacity is so tiny anymore.”
“And this is nothing compared to what it will be like to give birth and take care of a baby (this is my second kiddo). Being a mom is great – for me. That doesn’t mean every woman in existence needs or wants to be a mom.” – X-cited
“Some folks do talk to disabled people who want kids this way. But also add in ‘How would you ever manage?’ and ‘That would be so unfair to your spouse!'”
“(Apparently if you’re abled, not wanting kids is unfair to your spouse, but if you’re disabled, wanting them is the problem.) 🙄” – KaliTheBlaze
The fiancé was given helpful suggestions.
“NTA – but you and your fiancé are giving your future MIL contradicting messages. If the answer is that you guys don’t intend to have kids, your fiancé should be straight with his mother.”
“He shouldn’t tell her that there are things that might change your mind (even if he says it dismissively or sarcastically, to her he’s opening the door on the idea of you having kids).”
“Having said that, future MIL is terrible. Women are not baby machines and she does not get a say in whether you and your fiancé have kids. She just needs to stop.” – sra19
“He can make up for it by having a one-on-one with his mom, and telling her there will be no grandkids and no more discussion on the topic.” – TeamChaos17
“He should also stress that it is a joint decision, and even if he married someone else he wouldn’t have children. Because MIL will blame OP.” – katiopeia
Some people used sarcasm to make their point.
“So when my father pulls this bullsh*t I start talking about how inappropriate it is that he’s so concerned with my vagina.”
“What goes into and comes out of it specifically. Bonus points for how many times I can use the word vagina loudly in public places before he gets uncomfortable and shuts up. My record is 5. So far. Try it. It’s kind of fun… NTA.” – Randomlyanotheruser
“My MIL used to talk to me about kids. While we now have two, we didn’t know if we would be able to have any as I had cancer. My go-to was drilling down the details.”
“‘Oh, I’d love to give you grand babies, and let me assure you, we are working. on. it! I read somewhere that the position you are in during conception will determine the gender… I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but I’m pretty sure your son is trying for puppies, if you know what I mean.'”
“‘Anyway, we have sex a lot. In fact, we should probably go have sex right now to try to make that baby for you. I don’t want to be rude and leave; I suppose we could just pop into the bathroom for a quickie if that’s what you’d prefer.'” – FormerWindow
“At work I’d reply ‘are you asking about my uterus or about my sex life?’ which makes people back off.”
“When not at work, I’d reply something like ‘I don’t know, we keep trying… do you think we’re doing something wrong? It’s the butthole we need to use, right? Is that the right hole?’ Makes people very uncomfortable talking about anal sex all of a sudden.”
“Can’t do that anymore though, I’m visibly pregnant. Guess we found the right hole after all.” – Trania86
Overall, a majority of Redditors said the OP was NTA and suggested the fiancé should have a discussion with his mother to clarify any ambiguities about having kids.