Finding the perfect pieces of clothing can be difficult.
But every now and again, one finds those few rare pieces that make every look flawless.
These are the pieces that people have difficulty parting with.
This can cause friction with loved ones who love to borrow everything.
Redditor Full_Put_2642 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not Letting my sister wear my favorite dress on her date?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 F[emale]) have this dress that I love so much."
"I had been saving money for months to buy this deep green satin slip dress."
'There's nothing fancy about it, but it's important to me because I wore it to a school formal and finally felt good about myself."
"I call it my 'magic dress' because it makes me feel good every time I wear it."
"My older sister (24 F) just started going out with someone new."
"She found the dress while she was over at my house a few nights ago, going through my closet."
"She asked right away if she could use it for her date."
"I wasn't sure because I trusted her, but she's not very good with clothes."
"When I told her about the times she sent things back with spots or small tears, she just shrugged and said, 'Clothes are meant to be worn, not babied.'"
"I told her no, telling her how much the dress meant to me and why I didn't want to give it to her."
"She got very angry and told me I was being a child and selfish."
"She said it shouldn't matter if she rented it because I wasn't going to wear it this week."
"She stormed off and later texted me to say that I made her feel like I didn't trust her and that I cared more about a piece of fabric than her feelings."
"Even my mom called and told me to say sorry to keep the peace."
"At the same time, I feel bad because I see her point of view."
"She just wanted to enjoy her date."
"But, I mean, it's not just 'a piece of fabric' to me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I a jerk for standing my ground?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA This is clear-cut."
"Clothes are meant to be worn, not babied."
"This is an attitude that she can take with her own clothes."
"She can't insist on applying her attitude to your clothes -- on top of insisting that you must let her borrow them against your wishes."
"You were justified in saying no anyway, simply because you love the dress and want to keep it for yourself as your special dress."
"Her shi**y attitude is just a dung-covered cherry on top."
"Why would you lend your special dress to this entitled brat?"
"It's one thing to empathize with your sister's desire to have a good date, but she has no consideration for you, or the dress, and just sees it as a fun consumable."
"She won't give a single s**t, or a single dollar in compensation if she returns it to you irreparably damaged."
"She only cares about herself."
"She has already told you that the dress means nothing to her beyond her desire to wear it for a night." ~kurokomainu
"She's 5 years older than you, is the one that had a fit and told your mom, yet has the audacity to call YOU childish?"
"NTA. Don't give in to the guilt trip; you have every right not to want to loan out your belongings."
"She's a big girl; she can buy her own and realize how expensive it is to replace them often because she doesn't take care of them."
"If she's mad at you, that's a her problem, not a you problem." ~ cairobutt
"NTA. She admits that she believes clothes should be worn - including damaging them."
"She won't take care of your magic dress."
"The dress is special to you."
"You bought it yourself."
"She is not entitled to wear your clothes, especially your special dress."
"Having something that you feel beautiful in is important."
"I get it."
"All the more reason for you to take special care of it."
"Sister can save her money and buy her own dress."
"She is trying to guilt you into doing what she wants- and belittling your magic dress into a piece of fabric is BS, and a huge AH move on her part."
"Don't back down."
"You earned the money, found and bought the dress, and feel beautiful wearing it."
"That's a heck of a lot more than just a piece of fabric."
"It's your magic dress, and you don't have to share it to end up destroyed." ~ ChaoticCrashy
"NTA. Your sister has stated quite clearly that she will not properly care for the dress while it's in her possession."
"She has no respect for your belongings."
"Why would you let her borrow something when she doesn't care if she damages it?"
"If anyone's selfish here, it's her." ~ buttercupgrump
"NTA! I have a sister, and while growing up, we share clothes cos we are of similar build."
"I always have a few pieces that I do not share 'cause I love it, and my sister always respected that.
"You are entitled to decide what to share, especially if you save for it."
"Give your sister the link to the dress and buy it for herself if she likes it so much." ~ Alarmed-Lychee-8831
"NTA. Don't loan it to her."
"After all, to her, it's just a piece of fabric, so that's how she will treat it."
"It is special to you."
"Hide it if necessary." ~ Shadow4summer
"NTA at all."
"It's your dress you saved up to buy, and it's special to you."
"You never have to share anything you don't want to, even with family."
"She needs to respect that decision." ~ Purple_Wave_314
"NTA. Say 'Based on prior experience, I don't trust you with clothes!' - 'If you want to borrow it, there is a (2x purchase price) cash deposit required.'"
"Don't take ANYTHING but CASH." ~ theory240
"NTA, and she might feel like you don't trust her, which is something you should absolutely not do, considering she already ruined some of your clothes."
"Some might say it's just a dress."
"But clothes can definitely be comfort items."
"NTA. But kinda curious about the dress now." ~ Glum-Bet-9895
"NTA. Growing up with two sisters only one I ever allowed to wear my clothes because the older one would always bring my things back either stained, torn, or stretched."
"I have the policy of if you can't respect my clothes then you don't get to wear them period." ~ komo8621
"NTA, my brother was like this but about my bedroom."
"I was the only girl at home, which meant my brothers shared the largest bedroom in the house. My mum had the next biggest, and I had the box room."
"When I started working I'd buy things for my room, I upgraded my TV, games console, and stereo by myself, my brother believed that I should allow him to use my space when I was out of the house, as the eldest of my three younger brothers he felt entitled to access my personal space."
"Eventually, my mum agreed to allow me to have a lock on my bedroom door, which he hated."
"But then started doing the same to my mum, lounging around in her bedroom, so she got a lock on her door too."
"It really pissed my brother off that the women around him would bow down to his entitlement and just let him do what he wanted."
"He's spent his entire adult life so far carrying on like the whole world owes him something; the only thing that attitude had achieved is everyone has gone L[ow] C[ontact]/N[o] C[ontact] with him."
"Your belongings whether it be a dress, a pair of shoes, or a bag of crisps, they belong to you so you're the only one who gets to say if someone does or doesn't get to borrow them."
"Your dress is special to you and you're not selfish for wanting to keep it for yourself."
"Your sister isn't the 'golden child' by any chance?"
"I got that vibe when you said your mom called demanding you apologize to your sister for her entitled behavior." ~ starfireraven27
"NTA. No is a complete sentence."
"You don't have to give any form of explanation as to the why."
"Your sister is a little baby that runs to mamma when she doesn't get her way."
"Tell her and your mom that you are not obliged to lend your sister something you DO NOT want to lend out (with the exclamation on the do not)."
"And that your sister needs to grow the hell up and not throw a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way."
"Girls set boundaries and big ones."
"This is entitled, spoiled behavior."
"And tell your mom that too." ~ clipsje
"NTA. I shudder anytime I hear 'keep the peace', all it really means is 'it's a lot more convenient for me personally if we keep the complainer satisfied, so just put up with it, m'kay?'"
"Tell your mom it would go a long way to keeping the peace if your sister didn't feel entitled to your stuff and/or if your mom shared some of her nice clothes with your sister." ~ suddenlyupsidedown
"NTA. I'm with your sis, I make no emotional investment in clothes, they get worn."
"Which is why I don't buy expensive clothes, and no one should lend me clothes that they may want to keep looking nice."
"You won't hurt my feelings if you don't lend me clothes as we have different standards, and I'll respect yours as you respect mine." ~ scubaian
"NTA. This shows a degree of entitlement and lack of maturity from your sister."
"You explained why you'd rather it not get damaged."
"You explained why it was special."
"Clothes are meant to be worn and sometimes, when we treat ourselves to something that is special, they are meant to be worn by us on the special occasions we chose and intend."
"It's not about trust."
"She asked. You said no for a good and valid reason, and she feels entitled not to accept this."
"Mum wants everyone not to be fighting."
"Sister wants that dress for her date."
"In all of this, no one is listening to OP for whom the dress holds more significance."
"I feel if sister and mum just stopped, stepped back, took a moment to actually understand why it's a no this might all simmer down."
"You should probably apologize for how she is feeling and have another go at explaining the why."
"We all have stuff that's special, and we're attached to." ~ Heavy-Ad-3467
"I'm so sick of people asking someone to cave in just to keep the peace."
"The other party can just as much do that and keep the peace."
"You do have a right to be selfish with things you purchased and are yours."
"NTA. Your sister should grow up." ~ Zestyclose_Hope_166
"If it's just a piece of fabric, she'll find another piece of fabric to wear."
"Why is she all in her feelings about that?"
"To you, it's a magic dress."
"Obviously NTA."
"Funny how the dress is 'not important' to her, but also important enough to throw a fuss over."
"Manipulative AF." ~ aniutsa
"NTA, especially for her comment about care."
"If you think you might want to lend it have her put in writing that she will replace or have a seamstress repair any damage (replace possible?)."
"But really, if you would be really sad and regretful that anything would happen to it, you shouldn't lend it."
"Do you care if she has a dupe?"
"Tell her where you got it."
"Tell Mom to buy her a new dress for her date." ~ ocean_lei
"NTA. If her response to your concerns was to try and smooth over your doubts, saying something like 'I'll be extra careful with this one!' or whatever else along those lines, then maybe."
"However, she obviously doesn't think much about your worries."
"She's functionally dismissed your concerns and feelings as irrelevant and stupid (in her eyes)."
"As such, you are perfectly within your right to tell her to piss off."
"She didn't care about your feelings and worries, so I don't see why you need to care about hers when it comes to doing her favors." ~ BobR969
"NTA... you are absolutely not the a**hole."
"That is your personal property, and it's also your confidence-boosting dress - it is special to you."
"If your sister really loved you, she would respect that and change her mind about borrowing something that's so important to you."
"She can enjoy her date in anything. It doesn't need to be YOUR dress." ~ JenninMiami
"NTA. Your mom asking you to 'keep the peace' is asking you to quietly suffer."
"Which isn't peace."
"She may not mean it that way, but that's what it comes down to."
"Everyone keeping the loudest person happy." ~ shangri-laschild
Reddit is with you OP.
Your dress, your rules.
Your sister can go out and find her own dress.
She's probably reacting this way because she's been called out for being irresponsible before.
Keep standing your ground.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp