Deciding who is and who isn’t invited to a wedding is one of the more drama filled parts of the planning process. Someone will invariably upset they didn’t make the cut.
And what about couples? Can one be invited without the other?
And if only half of a couple is invited, should they decline the invite in solidarity with their spouse?
A wife who wrestled with those questions turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Beautiful_Mix_8568 asked:
“AITA for refusing to attend my brother’s wedding because he didn’t invite my husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, female) have a younger brother (26, male) who is getting married soon, and while I’m excited for him and his husband (28, male) there’s a pretty big issue.”
“He’s decided to have a really small wedding, just a handful of close friends and family and he’s not inviting my husband (30, male).”
“To give you some background, my brother has never really liked my husband and they’ve had their fair share of disagreements over the years. I always thought that regardless of their differences, family should come together for important moments like this.”
“When I expressed my disappointment about my husband not being invited, my brother told me it’s his wedding and he wants it to be intimate with people he feels comfortable around.”
“I felt pretty strongly about it and told him that I wouldn’t be attending if my husband wasn’t invited. For me, it’s a package deal.”
“My husband and I are a team and it just feels unfair to make me choose between supporting my brother and supporting my husband. Now my brother is upset and thinks I’m being dramatic, saying I’m putting him in a tough position.”
“To complicate things, some family members have jumped in, saying I’m being unreasonable and that my brother deserves to have the wedding he wants without feeling guilty about inviting someone he doesn’t want there.”
“I believe in family loyalty, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting by saying I won’t go.”
“I get my brother can invite who he wants, but I don’t want to go if he’s not invited.”
The OP later added:
“I’m sorry I was so vague in my post, to answer some questions, yes, everyone else’s significant others were invited. No, my husband is not homophobic (he’s LGBTQ).”
“They don’t get along because my husband is into video games and comics and my brother sees that as childish and a waste of time. On top of that, my husband is pretty introverted and shy, whereas my brother is extroverted, so my brother sees him as a ‘buzzkill’.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Maybe I’m not considering my brother’s feelings enough. After all, it’s his special day, and he should get to decide who shares it with him.”
“Perhaps I should be more supportive and just attend, even if my husband isn’t invited, instead of creating a rift between us. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him and not respecting his wishes.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Ouch, that’s really sad. Personally if I went and had to sit with family and their partners I’d feel deeply uncomfortable too.”
“NTA—stick with your gut and sit this one out. I think you know which choice you would regret more.” ~ concerned-mum-11
“People who throw weddings and then don’t want other couples there confuse me. Of course it’s a snub to decide your husband can’t go because he thinks he games too much or whatever.”
“So, no, it’s not causing drama not to go. You said ‘I won’t go if he’s not invited’, he wasn’t invited. You don’t go.”
“Your brother doesn’t have to suffer the unimaginable trauma of having a wedding guest he’s not that into at his wedding and you don’t have to cosign your husband’s exclusion. Win-win. NTA.” ~ SaveBandit987654321
“Wedding invites are not a summons—you don’t have to go. Everyone is allowed their own boundaries.”
“Your brother can choose who gets invited to his wedding, and he can’t force you to go to his wedding if you don’t want that.” ~ Neither-Entrance-208
“NTA. My husband is my favorite person in the world, and I have 0 interest in wasting any of my precious spare time at a party he wasn’t invited to.” ~ Working_Movie2027
“NTA. Your brother and extended family have weirdly stunted social awareness if they genuinely expect you to attend.”
“To me, inviting someone, but excluding their spouse (when other spouses are included) is a symbolic invite that sends a very specific message: ‘I love you, but I do not condone your marriage, so we will only really have a relationship if your marriage ends’.”
“There are definitely times where that’s the appropriate message to send, but the grown adults in your family should understand how that’s not an invite you can readily accept.” ~ yet_another_sock
“I would be mortified if a family member did this to my husband. There is no chance that I would attend if my husband wasn’t invited.”
“It is a pointed insult to both of you, for every other spouse to be invited but yours. My SIL and I despise each other and still wouldn’t do something this petty.”
“Brother needs to grow up. He is being a bully, and he isn’t in grade school anymore. NTA.”
“On the day of the wedding, you and your husband should go for dinner and celebrate what a healthy, loving marriage is all about.” ~ MorgainofAvalon
“It is an insult to you both. A brother should welcome his sister’s spouse and not leave the spouse out of important events. This is sad. NTA.” ~ Pomegranate_1328
“Bro can invite who he wants. But it is entirely up to you if you want to attend. NO ONE can force you. NTA. I wouldn’t go either.” ~ Present_Amphibian832
“NTA—family loyalty is so important. But your husband IS your family & he’s the most important member. You guys are a package deal & if anyone gives you a hard time about ‘family’ simply point out that you are putting family first.” ~ bookishmama_76
“NTA. Your brother made it into a ‘thing’ by not inviting your husband. Not you. And if there was no disagreement or argument, it’s rude of your brother not to include your husband because they have different personalities.” ~ jam7789
“Long-standing couples and married people are invited as a unit. That’s basic wedding protocol. Your brother chose to violate that protocol and is dealing with fallout.”
“Any family trying to mitigate the fallout is participating in the rudeness. I understand their impulse, but they are wrong.”
“Your most gracious response is politely decline to talk about it. ‘Brother made his decision and I have made mine. There is nothing further to discuss’.”
“And if you want to be really gracious in the hopes of easing future family interactions, send a nice wedding present even though your brother was a jerk.” ~ SprinklesSea4053
“NTA. You’ve commented to let us know it’s not about homophobia and is strictly a personality difference. Spouses aren’t a plus one; it’s weird that your husband isn’t invited.”
“Anyone saying that brides and grooms deserve to have everything their way are delusional. They can be and constantly are a**holes.” ~ Perturiel8833
“NTA. You and your husband are a team. Sure, your brother can have the wedding he wants, but you also have a right to set boundaries. Family stuff is always tricky, but you’re not overreacting for wanting your husband included.” ~ DonnaPhillips01
“NTA. As you mentioned in a comment, all the other spouses are invited, and your husband is being singled out. That’s just childishly, overtly rude.”
“Your brother is the one who is being dramatic and causing a family rift—not you. He deserves to have a wedding he wants, and you deserve having your marriage treated with basic respect.”
“I can’t stand my SIL, but I tolerated her being a witness at my wedding and remained civil. It wasn’t worth the drama. Apparently, for your brother it is.” ~ Content-Plenty-268
“The only way I can rationalize your brother’s behavior is if he is having an extremely small ceremony with immediate family only—no spouses. It would be out of the societal norm but I could at least accept it.”
“However, if other people are bringing their other halves, then your brother is sh*tty as hell for putting you in such a messed up position.”
“Another thing that would behoove all soon-to-be married couples to understand—as much as people say, ‘Oh, this is your big day’, it isn’t just for or about you. Weddings are as much about the guests attending the wedding as they are about the couple being married.”
“People are shelling out big bucks for travel, attire, lodging if it’s out of town, and gifts. Often, guests are sliding the happy couple some big $$$ to get them started on their new life together as well.”
“Unless we’re missing something and your husband is a member of the KKK, a serial killer, or something else equally disturbing—I don’t think you are the a**hole, OP.”
“I am so sorry that your family is piling on as well—that seems doubly unreasonable. I sincerely hope your brother pulls his head out of his bum long enough to make the right decision.”
“I get why you are putting your foot down, OP. If i were married and invited to a wedding without my spouse I’d personally do the same.” ~ d00mm00n
The OP’s brother has every right only to invite people he likes to be at his wedding.
But the OP also has the right not to attend.