We all have things that make us outrageously happy, and some of those things are expensive, so we spend a great deal of time saving up for them, so we can eventually enjoy them.
It's a terrible feeling when someone we love doesn't share in our excitement, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor EveningWild2268 was surprised when her boyfriend not only didn't like the tattoo she had recently acquired but was fully against her keeping it.
When he refused to see her side, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was somehow wrong for having it.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for getting the start of a sleeve tattoo without telling my boyfriend?"
The OP recently started a tattoo sleeve.
"I (26 Female) have wanted a sleeve tattoo for several years and for my Christmas/Birthday combined my family gave me money towards getting my dream sleeve."
"I honestly never thought to tell my Boyfriend of 8 months (27 Male), so I went for my first session and got the start done. It'll take 10 sessions to be complete but it's a start."
"The sleeve is a scale design with shells, waves, and pearls dotted across it in a mermaid-inspired design."
The OP's boyfriend was shocked.
"At our date, a few days after the session, I excitedly showed him the start of the sleeve and the concept designs I have for the finished look."
"He was horrified by it and asked me why I'd get this done without telling him."
"He said he had a right to know, as we were dating, so he could talk me out of it."
"I was confused by this and asked him why he'd talk me out of it."
"He went on to tell me how ugly tattoos are and how he finds them unattractive, not to mention that it will hurt me long-term in holding down a job."
The OP was surprised by his reaction.
"I was very shocked at this."
"I admittedly had to struggle not to laugh at that last part, as my boss has so many tattoos, somehow I doubt that will be an issue."
"He is trying to convince me to use the rest of the money to get this lasered off, which obviously isn't going to happen."
"He's also upset I hadn't told him about this, as he feels as my boyfriend, he has a right to weigh in on this."
"Was I the asshole for not telling him?"
"It wasn't on purpose; it was an honest slip-up, but... I'm starting to think I'm glad I didn't tell him, as he would have tried to talk me out of it."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the boyfriend had no right to control what the OP did with her body.
"I've been married for 13 years and my husband still has no be all and end all say about what I do with my body. I may run something past him, but in no way would he be making the final decision like this guy wants."
"The OP is NTA, but I would be rethinking the relationship." - Lady_Bal
"Mermaids don't just let boys tell them what to do. Mermaids swim away and enjoy their mer-lives. May you find many shiny forks." - smashed2gether
"If he feels this level of entitlement to tell you what you can do with your body after only 8 months, this is not a relationship you want to stay in. NTA, get rid of the boyfriend and keep getting tattoos." - leftytrash161
"NTA. This is none of his business. His controlling reaction is a red flag, though. He doesn't have to like it, but to try and tell you to spend the rest of your money on laser removal is a ridiculous overstep." - NatZaJu
"My husband and I don't even clear tattoos with each other. We'll talk about ideas occasionally, but I've 100% gotten a tattoo without telling him. I believe it's my body or his body and we're both adults. We've been together for 11 years and married for 5." - spookyANDhungry
"I think you guys just aren't compatible. Tattoos are something you love and want, and he thinks they're hideous and a stupid idea."
"Also, it's weird that he's making your tattoo about him. They aren't. They are about you and what you want! Enjoy the sleeve and maybe drop the dude." - Dazzling_Suspect_239
"NTA. You've been planning this tattoo longer than you've been dating this guy, and he just threw up some major red flags. That's some manipulative controlling behavior right there."
"He's trying to trick you into feeling bad for making a decision about your own body. I highly suggest getting out of this relationship; he's only going to get worse." - mailierogue
Others agreed and said the most the boyfriend could have expected was a heads-up.
"NTA. You probably could have mentioned you were getting a tattoo but he has absolutely no say in what you choose to do with your body." - talibob
"Whether it slipped your mind or not: it doesn't matter. It is Not. His. Body."
"He is welcome to his opinions, he is welcome to even share his opinions. But when it comes to your body? He doesn't get to say what goes on or in it." - Opinion8Her
"I probably would have been talking about it nonstop, personally, just due to my excitement of a dream coming true."
"It's a little strange that you were looking forward to it for so long but had never mentioned it to him."
"On the other hand, you don't have to run anything by him and he certainly doesn't have ANY right to tell you what to do with your body!"
"His opinion shouldn't matter and I honestly wouldn't stay with someone who thought they had any say in what I choose to do with my body." - WerewolfHistorical43
"It would have been nice to mention it, if only to share such a decision with someone you are (at least temporarily) sharing many aspects of your life with."
"Having said that, in this case, I'm kind of glad she didn't, since she now knows who he is and can dump him with a clear conscience." - ginsengtea3
"If it was just him being hurt that she hadn't told him about something so important, he wouldn't be the a**hole."
"But saying he needed to know so HE could talk her out of it? That's some BS." - foxscribbles
"I just feel like it already says a lot you weren't excited to tell your partner about this big thing you finally get to do after planning for so long."
"That plus his gross attitude makes it sound like just from these details he may not be someone you want to date anymore."
"But I don't know, you know all the details so you should decide for yourself with the full context of the relationship." - bubblegumpandabear
A few also encouraged the OP and said everything would work out in the workplace.
"As for the professional part, I'm your age and have a full sleeve, and a girl I work with also has a half sleeve."
"My boss sent us both this link of a professional woman who was covered in tattoos and did her head shot without them covered, and with them covered, and the majority of people voted for the photo without them covered."
"I also work as a project manager for a large engineering firm, so your boyfriend can suck it, lol (laughing out loud). The world is changing! Make yourself happy, girl!!" - catmomma530
"NTA. It's your body, your money, your time, and your dream. I get that he probably felt blind-sided, but the f**king AUDACITY of thinking he was going to 'talk you out of it,' is infuriating."
"And to think that he's still trying to get you to laser is off… this dude deserves a good junk punch."
"And that archaic s**t about 'not getting a job…' Get the f**k out with that s**t. You should cut and run from this dude." - KnitFastDieWarm02
"For real, long sleeves are a thing! Even a teacher could have full sleeves and there not be a problem because guess what? Covering them up in a professional environment is a possible thing." - Apprehensive_Map_284
"Dump the BF, get the sleeve! And I say this as somebody who absolutely despises tattoos. It's your body, not his, and clearly, it won't hurt you professionally, this is 2022, not 1952." - Jewish-Mom-123
"NTA, in this scenario, he is the AH. It's your body, you wanted this for a long time, you have the money for it, you have a safe job where tattoos are not a problem... so it's your decision."
"And like he did not want to be told just to be prepared (it could be understandable for such a big-bod mod) but he wanted to know so he could talk you out of it? Big red flag. Controlling what you can and can't do on your own body? A big sign of an AH here."
"You should want a tattoo removal for YOU and not appeal to someone else wishes. I'm sure your sleeve will be amazing!" - RequinDesPlaines
While some could agree that the boyfriend didn't have to like or be attracted to tattoos, they also could agree that the boyfriend had no right to say what the OP did with her body. Rather, he should have been supportive of something that made her happy, even if it meant not staying together forever.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.