Not all relationships are created equal. Just because we like someone and enjoy dating them doesn't mean they feel the same way in return.
Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to really get that, cringed the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor elviramilevaa had been dating her boyfriend for about six months and enjoyed most aspects of her relationship, but she was becoming increasingly frustrated with his jokes about how much money she had.
When he made yet another joke about her financial situation in front of his friends, the Original Poster (OP) clapped back with his own financial shortcomings.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for embarrassing my boyfriend in front of his friends because he kept joking about me being 'broke'?"
The OP's boyfriend had a terrible habit of making fun of her financial situation.
"I (19 Female) have been dating my boyfriend (20 Male) for about six months. Overall, things are good, but there's this one thing he does that drives me insane."
"He makes these little 'jokes' around his friends about me not having money."
"I mean, I work part-time and go to school, so yeah, I'm not rich, but it's not like I'm asking him to pay my bills or anything. I pay for my stuff, and I split everything 50/50 when we go out."
During their latest hangout, the OP gave her boyfriend a taste of his own medicine.
"Anyway, we were hanging with his friends the other night, and he said, 'Haha, careful, she's broke! She might ask you to cover her Uber or something.'"
"Everyone laughed except me. I literally just stared at him."
"He saw I was annoyed and doubled down like, 'Babe, I'm just kidding, calm down.'"
"So I said, 'It's funny how I'm broke, but I still managed to buy your birthday gift AND pay for dinner when your card declined last week.'"
"It got real quiet after that."
Because of her boyfriend's reaction, the OP wondered if she had taken her joke too far.
"Now he's p**sed at me, saying I 'humiliated' him in front of his friends and that I should've talked to him privately."
"But I've told him before that those jokes bother me, and he never stops, so I don't know."
"Was I wrong to put him on blast like that? I'm wondering if I went too far or not."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some brought out the old saying, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it."
"He shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it."
"EVERY TIME when my sister and I were little kids and one of us pushed the other too far, resulting in tears, without fail, Dad would say, 'Well, kid, don't dish it out if you can't take it!'" - ohyoureTHATjocelyn
"Tell him you were 'joking' and he has no sense of humor. NTA."
"Then dump him. Dude put you down in front of his friends to score weird man points, then lost those weird man points when you clapped back." - taorthoaita
"So he can humiliate you but can't handle you defending yourself? He's a loser."
"Love him all you want, but clearly, he does not love you. And based on his disgusting behavior, he IS a loser." - VanityQueen90
"HAHAHAHAHA. It's always funny until you dish it back, I swear."
"If you'd never told him this bothered you, then you'd be the AH. But seeing as you've made it clear before, he gets what he gets. Bet he won't do that again."
"The number of men who are lucky I held back the acid on my tongue is astounding. I think guys get this idea we're 'supposed' to be gentle and soft and basically maybe not capable of a clap back like that. But a lot of us are choosing peace daily, and they should think about that. NTA." - mrn327
"I hope you realize soon that you deserve better. I ignored red flags in relationships for longer and can't recommend."
"He definitely doesn't like you, and others were right about not dating your bully."
"He humiliates you in front of everyone the whole time knowing it hurts you. You fire back once, and he plays the victim. Someone who'd actually care for you wouldn't treat you like that." - Joubachi
"I used to date a douche like that when I was your age. It lasted two years. He also never could handle it if I hit back."
"It cost me many, many years to recover my self-esteem from his continuous 'jokes.' I still sometimes have nightmares about him 18 years later (the jokes were only 1 part of how he broke me down)."
"Be smarter than me. Leave, before he does permanent damage."
"And you know, I also like to joke around; my husband and I also make jokes at each other's expense, but the minute one of us says, 'Babe, that's not cool, can you please not do that,' it stops."
"That's what respect is. A person you care about tells you you did something that hurt them, you listen to them, apologize, and don't do it again. End of story." - For_Vox_Sake
"Why do you feel bad for dishing it back to him? Because he can dish out public humiliation and make you feel small, but when you tell the truth, he's a victim, and you're a d**k? Girl, he ain't worth being with and committing any more time to."
"Trust me when I say that the majority of people like him can not change until they partner they mistreat leaves them. If he still gets all the joys of being in a relationship with you, why would he?"
"You're young and have a lot of dating ahead of you, so just use this as a lesson in the importance of knowing your value and walking away when before more adult consequences make it harder." - mcdulph
"Seriously, you are way too young to settle for anyone who is so juvenile and disrespectful."
"He was having fun making you feel like s**t. He doesn't like you. He likes having a punching bag that he can f**k."
"You deserve so much better, and I'm proud that you punched back. He deserved the embarrassment and much more."
"He deserves to be dumped."
"Being with this boy is getting in the way of your meeting a man who wouldn't dream of behaving like this." - sezit
Others encouraged the OP to rethink the relationship, especially what he might be saying behind her back.
"If it was humiliating for him, it was humiliating for you. Don't date your bully. NTA." - Goidellica
"You shouldn't be dating a guy that does not care about your feelings, and worse yet, takes pleasure in publicly humiliating you. For f**k's sake, raise your standards." - Abject_Jump9617
"Girl, you can do SO MUCH BETTER. You are doing school and getting that bag. What is he even doing for you? Making you split 50/50. That d**k better be something premium because guuuurl." - SixicusTheSixth
"NTA. Have you ever heard those stories about women in their 30s having to date a number of a**holes before they finally stop going for that type?"
"I think it's because sometimes the red flags aren't flaggy enough, but here's one presenting itself to you nice and easy: he dished it out and couldn't take it back... and he's a sexist who is demeaning you in front of his friends."
"Maybe avoid the mistakes of countless women before you and rescue your 20s from a bunch of these... pitfalls." - Cyclical_Zeitgeist
"NTA, OP."
"If your significant other needs to put you down to make a joke, they're a bully."
"If your significant other humilates you, as a joke in front of their friends, they're a bully."
"If your significant other references finances in a way that suggests you owe them, they're a bully."
"This is not normal. You can do waaaaay better than a man-child." - llampie
"50/50. He behaves like this, and he doesn't even pay to date you."
"A man who doesn't treat you to dates and pay while dating you doesn't like you."
"I'm not saying a man has to be your sole provider! That's what your work and education are for, so you can take care of yourself."
"But you're a 19-year-old girl. You can get 100 dates a week all paid for. What the f**k?"
"He can't even afford to date AND he's calling the girl paying half broke?"
"Girl. Please. You're still a kid, this guy won't even be too 500 derpiest dudes you encounter. Just don't even give him a second thought." - Famous_Sugar_1193
After receiving feedback, the OP expressed relief for having her feelings validated.
"Thank you, everyone, for your advice. This appears to be my canon event."
"I feel bad now for what I said, but I've told him so many times that I really don't like these jokes. I'm definitely gonna have to have a serious conversation with him."
"I enjoy being in a relationship with him for the most part. But I felt humiliated every time he made a joke about me being 'broke.' I guess I thought it must be coming from a place of insecurity."
"He shouldn't be putting me down, but he kept playing it off as banter, so I allowed it. I do deserve kindness and respect, though. I'm just blinded by the other good aspects of the relationship, I guess."
"I'm starting to feel like he cares more about these weird man points than me. I'm also really worried that he's been saying even worse things behind my back."
"After reading all of these comments, rethinking the relationship is a top priority for me."
Joking around with someone you care about can be good-natured and fun, but it matters for the joke to be funny and comfortable for everyone involved, not just the person delivering the joke.
The OP's boyfriend had been actively putting her down, in public, by pointing out that she didn't have a lot of money, even though she had been paying her own way and not asking for anything.
If the boyfriend couldn't respect her boundaries and stop making the jokes, or at least laugh when she made a joke at him in return, it was clear that he was more interested in making her feel inferior than having fun with her.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.