Fights in a relationship often come down to not setting proper expectations. Someone may end up confused when a portion of the relationship doesn't work how they thought it would.
Redditor Topayornot is very grateful her boyfriend could give her a ride home from work, but when the topic turns to money, things get a little out of hand.
The original poster (OP) accidentally starts a fight between her and her BF, but was she wrong? To find out, OP asks the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
Her question is:
"AITA for not paying my boyfriend Uber prices for picking me up from work?"
OP can't understand why he'd make this request:
"I'm temporarily working somewhere else. It is £20 to get an Uber home. I used the app often enough that I get regular discounts up to 30%."
"My boyfriend offered to pick me up from work after I told him the price of the Uber sometimes. He got us home. It's a 30 minute ride, about 20 miles."
"Afterwards he asked me to pay him; I said fine I don't mind paying petrol costs. He said I'd have to give him £20 because he went out of his way to get me and I would have given it to the Uber driver anyway."
"He insists that it makes no sense for me not to pay him what I'd would give to the Uber driver. I told him that's different because he's my boyfriend and an Uber driver is a service."
"I told him I'd give him £10 which he wasn't happy about it."
"AITA for not giving him what I would give for an Uber driver?"
"It's not like I'd pay the price of a Starbucks coffee if my BF made me a cup of coffee."
On one hand, the boyfriend went out of his way to pick her up and drive her home. On the other hand, he never brought this up when he suggested he give her a ride, and also, he's her boyfriend.
To figure out if OP is right or wrong to not pay her BF, commenters respond with one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
On top of the fact that it's ridiculous for your significant other to try and charge you for giving you a ride, OP's boyfriend is the one who suggested this arrangement. He offered.
Why would he demand payment after the fact? Why would he demand it at all?
Commenters agreed that OP was NTA for not paying.
"Your boyfriend heard you vent about Uber prices and his takeaway is 'wait, I could be the one to profit here!'"
"Do you want a partner who sees you as a source of income?"
"NTA" – SnausageFest
"That's exactly his reasoning I'm still baffled that he doesn't think it's a dumb thing to ask given I don't mind paying for petrol." - Topayornot (OP)
"Yeah, usually friends don't get paid for helping you out, much less a boyfriend. He helps to save you money, not to become an uber driver."
"I'd give him the money, and nothing else next time he wants to get romantic....just say you don't want to impact your professional relationship...."
"NTA" - NoGuarantee3961
"NTA- you shouldn't have to pay your bf after he offered to pick you up. Whats the point of him picking you up vs. taking an uber when you are still going to spend the same amount."
"Your bf at least in this instance sounds like a major jerk. I can see maybe giving him some money for his fuel, but aside from that I wouldn't give him anymore, I think id almost rather take an uber." - Knots90
"NTA and whoa, that is such a bad look for your BF."
"If he wants to get paid like an Uber driver, he can work there part time (not that drivers make what Uber charges you, btw.)"
"It's a longish commute and you shouldn't expect him to regularly put himself out - just time-wise it's a lot if it's a regular thing - but him wanting to charge you a premium price is very very uncool." – SadderOlderWiser
The comments can't imagine why the BF would even suggest such a thing. They're dating.
What's the point of charging your girlfriend like this?
"What? Seriously?"
"'Hey hon, the price of Uber can be ridiculous. Can you come get me?'"
"'Sure, but I'm going to charge you the same price as an Uber.'"
"And he went out of his way for you? Wow, what an awesome guy."
"NTA."
"Imagine if the situation were reversed and he asked you for help, then you charged him? I bet he'd lose his sh**. This guy is being a major a**hole."
"It's cool that you contributed to gas, but with you two in a relationship, the thought of charging someone the price of an Uber should never even enter your mind. Who the hell does that?" – KaizureTheRed
"Yes I don't think he'll like it if it was the other way around either." - Topayornot (OP)
"I don't understand why he'd offer to drive you if it wasn't for free...?"
"Don't get me wrong, I have driven my truck to help my bf do something work related but he always offers to reimburse me for gas since it had nothing to do with me.. which sometimes I accept since gas is expensive now and sometimes it's a long freaking drive but I don't expect him to pay me."
"NTA" - youallsuck22
"He offered because he said if I'm paying it for an Uber why can't I pay him but did it on the sly so I thought he was being kind" - Topayornot (OP)
"Yea... I don't like him." - youallsuck22
Despite calls from commenters to dump the guy, OP took a different approach in an update to her original post.
"Thank you everyone, there are too many replies to respond to. He was adamant that charging me is normal so I'll just show him this thread to convince him otherwise."
It surprisingly worked.
"I showed him this post and made him read the comments. He apologised. This isn't something he usually does and was out of character."
Maybe next time OP's BF sees his partner as a meal ticket, he'll think twice before opening his mouth.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.