Having a helping hand around the house sounds like a dream come true. But what if that help turns into lots of extra, unnecessary work or rework for you?
Do you quietly accept the kindness of their gesture and fix the problems or do you speak up?
A woman dealing with her boyfriend’s “helpful” mom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
JuijkS asked:
“AITA? Boyfriend’s mother will not stop doing our laundry. I have asked her to stop.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now, and I have kids from a previous relationship. We all live together. His mother does not live with us, but is here almost every day.”
“Our work schedule is such that his mom helps out by coming over very early to wake the kids up and get them ready for school. I really love his mom, she is great.”
“She also picks them up from school, brings them home, and stays with them until we get home. She usually eats dinner with us too.”
“She has a habit of helping out around the house when I don’t want her to. Dishes is fine, picking up stuff—also fine. But she also does our laundry—which is the problem.”
“I bought a laundry separator, and have baskets. Everything is labeled by who’s clothes/what goes in which basket.”
“Baskets are sorted: kid 1, kid 2, me, him, towels, sheets and blankets.”
“If the towels are washed and dried by themselves, it takes me 5 minutes to fold and put them away. But when they are mixed…. Socks falling everywhere when I pick one up, and several piles of folded clothes instead of one or two at a time.”
“I do not like washing the two kids things at the same time together, because they are different sizes, but close enough I have to check EVERY TAG when I am putting them away to make sure they don’t get mixed up.”
“I do not like mixing the loads together because it honestly makes it a nightmare for me to put away so many different categories at the same time. I don’t go crazy.”
“I don’t separate colors or anything. Just per person loads, towels, sheets and blankets. I have a SYSTEM of folding things so that everything FITS where it is supposed to go.”
“When she does the laundry, she will just dump whatever in the washer while we are still at work. She will fold everything WRONG.”
“Boyfriend’s clothes are on the top shelf of the closet, and if the pants or shorts are folded wrong, the whole pile falls down and I have to refold everything. Same for the towels.”
“She doesn’t check everything with the kids clothes, and when they get mixed up, the kids fight about it. When she hangs their stuff up, I have to check everything and put the wrong things where they are supposed to go.”
“I have asked her to stop doing the laundry. Many times. I have also asked her to NOT mix the baskets together.”
“I’ve shown her how to fold the clothes so they fit and stay without falling. She also has a habit of starting a load of laundry, and leaving it in the wash, and telling me about as she’s leaving in a hectic moment, and I usually forget about it and have to re-wash it.”
“I come home, washer is going. She’s in the laundry room folding clothes. In the moment, I feel like I’d be an a**hole if I said something, but I just want to be like ‘please put the clothes down and get out of this room!’. I have to fix it every time she touches it.”
“My boyfriend thinks I’m being an a**hole about it because she’s helping.”
“He does not do laundry. He does not understand why it’s making me so ungodly angry, because he does not have to fix it later after it has been ‘done’.”
“Is he right? AITA?
“I feel like I’m going crazy about laundry.”
“With my system it takes a max of fifteen minutes of effort per load—spaced out with washing and drying times.”
“With her doing the work, I have to go around the whole house and pick up fallen clothes, refold everything, and search through both kids’ dressers and check every tag to make sure they are in the right places.”
“She’s also washed and dried a few wool items I handmade, shrinking and felting them beyond saving.”
“Having to fix what she does, honestly took me three hours the day I made this post and I was just completely exhausted from it all.
“I do really appreciate her and I she’s wonderful. I just don’t want to have to go behind her anymore because it’s mentally exhausting.”
The OP later added:
“I have DIRECTLY asked her—recently—not to do the laundry. Over Christmas break I said exactly, ‘hey, I spent all week getting the house back up to par, and I organized all the laundry the way it has to be to be correct. Please don’t do the laundry anymore’.”
“I felt AWFUL telling her not to do it, but I did in fact say exactly not to do it.”
“I have asked many times before that as well. I am gentile with my approach every time, but I do directly say ‘don’t do the laundry. I will do it’.”
“I know she does watch the kids for free, and it’s wonderful but we never asked her to. We both work for their school.”
“They can come in with us early so it’s not super difficult. They would just have to get up earlier. They can come home with us after work, just later.”
“She wants them to get more sleep in the mornings. She took the task on herself—and I love her and appreciate her for it! They call her grandma.”
“The house is not dirty. I grew up in a hoarding house so my house is clean, and I try to avoid clutter and mess at all costs. The mess in my house is normal and lived in.”
“I will not lock my laundry room door either—I’m angry not petty. The room is used for more than just laundry.”
“BF’s uncle is coming over sometimes to do his own laundry, since their washer broke and they cannot afford a new one. They will not accept a new one from us. We have tried.”
“It is also the room that the kid’s wardrobe is in, as they cannot have their clothes in their room without digging through them in the mornings when I am at work, and putting them all over the floor.”
“I could have them choose outfits the night before, and leave them out, but if his uncle comes by to do laundry he would not be able to.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I have been complaining to my boyfriend about his mom doing our laundry, and asking her to stop doing our laundry. He thinks I’m being ungrateful and an a** for complaining.”
“If I got mad at her, and told her very rudely to stop doing it would that make me an a**hole after asking her for two years politely?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“MIL sounds like a control freak to me. A pleasant one maybe, but she seems pretty involved in her son’s family.”
“OP is NTA. I would hate somebody doing my laundry a way I don’t want them to.”
“A suggestion for OP: Can you teach your MIL how to do the laundry the way you want it? If she is receptive, it could be a great win-win. It could even be a nice bonding experience for you two. Good luck!” ~ ded517
“I feel like NTA here, but, just, like, pick your battles. There will always be one person in a relationship who cares deeply about how something is done (Type A) and someone who doesn’t (Type B).”
“She’s providing you so much ‘village’ help which sounds like you appreciate. Maybe you could loosen your preferences about laundry just a little bit during this time when your kids are so young and you need the help and just reframe your mindset.”
“Instead of feeling like you’re ‘redoing’ her work, what if you’re just making final adjustments before putting away? Or even just, let some of it go, like Elsa?”
“Life’s short and I think it’s possible you could channel this energy elsewhere.”
“I say this as an OCD anal retentive Type A person who has learned how to graciously accept help from others when I realized my perfectionism wasn’t sustainable or helping.”
“Good luck and I’m so glad you have such a warm, and supportive ‘village’ around you.” ~ MizMarbs
“Help your boyfriend understand. When his clothes fall off the shelf, leave them.”
“Take your clothes out of the washer, leave his in the machine to get smelly. When the kids clothing gets mixed together, leave it that way and let them find their belongings in the basket.”
“Preferably in front of MiL so she can watch in real time as the clothes get jumbled and unfolded.”
“In short, NTA, but stop fixing this.”
“I don’t know how old your kids are, but when mine turned 12, I taught them how to separate, wash, dry and fold. I would of course help them occasionally when they got busy, but I refused to put so much effort into something they had no appreciation for (in my case, they would leave clean clothes on the floor and mix clean and dirty together).”
“They learned very quickly that they should have put their laundry away properly and not thrown clean clothes on the floor. In the plus side, when they went off to college they knew how to do laundry.” ~ Treehousehunter
“NTA. Real issue here is that your boyfriend doesn’t do laundry. He is a grown man.”
“After his mother does her baby boy’s laundry, you should just pile it up on his side of the bed and let him deal with putting it away.” ~ ElGato6666
“You need to make your boyfriend help sort and put everything up after his mom helps with the laundry. He needs to understand why what his mom is doing is causing extra work.”
“Make him deal with the kids when they’re fighting over clothes that were hung up in the wrong place. That will get him on your side. It’s not causing him any inconvenience so of course he’s unbothered.”
“Also, explain to his mom that you have a system that works for you in regard to the laundry and her helping is causing more work for you. Tell her you appreciate everything she does, but you’ve got the laundry from here on.”
“If you catch her doing the laundry, repeat. I doubt his mom is actually trying to cause more work for you, so tell her why you need her to leave the laundry to you. NTA.” ~ JoslynEmilia
The OP got plenty of feedback.
Now it’s up to them to decide how they want to proceed.