It’s becoming a common practice for people to want to live together before getting married, simply because they want to see what their partner will be like to cohabit with.
Because really, once you’ve made that bed, it can be pretty hard to get back out of it, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Afraid_Pie1114 liked her boyfriend of five months, even though they argued pretty regularly.
But when she felt like he had disrespected her in her own home about her customs, the Original Poster (OP) thought about cutting his visit short.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for wanting to take my boyfriend home because he called my request ‘weird’?”
The OP had a rule in her house to help keep her bed clean.
“I (26 Female) asked my boyfriend (31 Male) of five months to not get in my bed with his outside clothes on.”
“I saw him walk over to the bed and start peeling back the comforter and sheet when I said to him, ‘Oh no, no, wait, please. Don’t get in my bed with outside clothes on! They’re dirty!'”
“He took this as me calling him dirty. I tried to explain it was just the thought that we traversed through puddles in the parking lot, walked all around the grocery store, then drove back to my place in my car (which is disgusting; it has dog hair), he sat all on my dog’s bed (it’s a giant bean bag, also disgustingly full of dog hair), and I didn’t want all of those germs in the bed.”
“I could tell he seemed offended by that and I offered up some pajama pants I had that would fit him.”
“He proceeded to say with a snarky tone, ‘I can promise you what I’m wearing now is cleaner than anything in your closet.'”
The situation escalated quickly.
“I tried keeping calm and explained again that it’s just the thought of outside germs in my bed that grossed me out.”
“He said, ‘That’s weird’ in a condescending and disgusted tone.
“That’s where I lost it, because I felt disrespected in my own home. I agreed in a condescending way, ‘Yeah okay I’m f**king weird and your clothes aren’t dirty,’ and stormed out of the room.”
“He raised his voice and said he didn’t call me weird, but that what I was asking and disheveled about was weird…”
The OP wanted the situation to be over.
“So now, I’m sitting here writing this because I want to take him home for saying that to me. He’s still sitting in my room watching the show we were supposed to watch together nonetheless.”
“It’s the little things like this that make me think we’re not compatible. This happens maybe once every two weeks when he’ll get offended and say something hurtful, and it’s always on me to diffuse when I’ve been disrespected.”
“I want him to leave now and not talk to him for the night. I also feel like I’m overreacting, but I feel like it’s a simple request. Would that make me an a**hole?”
“AITAH?”
As responses started to come in, the OP offered a few clarifications.
“First, in his defense, he has a car and drives me everywhere. I didn’t fill up my tank for a month and a half because of it. This was the one time I drove us in the last three weeks.”
“Second, no, my home is not disgusting. It’s impeccably clean, minus the car and the dog bed, in my opinion, because those two things have outside germs and can’t get cleaned as often as washing my sheets/cleaning counters/mopping. Because they have outside germs, they are disgusting to me.”
“And third, yes, I went full regard, because this happens so often. I’ve NEVER gone off like that before. He’s made belittling comments that I have brushed off or joked along with cause I know sometimes it can be funny, but that felt like he was fully going to ignore my request.”
“Then I’d have to wash my sheets entirely after I had just done so and it’s an exhausting task for me.”
“He wasn’t willing to listen when I calmly asked the first time, then offered a change of clothes. He proceeded to make digs, so many things boiled up.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely understood why the OP said she felt disrespected.
“Yeah, his reaction seems disproportionate to a simple request about cleanliness. It’s important to feel respected in your own space.” – True-Bi-7081
“Firstly, my ex had this same peeve… at first, I was perplexed but thought about it and one, it sounds like a good rule; two, wait, you want me to take off clothes to cuddle, I like this rule, and three, it was definitely not worth a fight.”
“I was thinking this was just a maturity thing but the guy is 31… I don’t know, some mature faster than others, I wish him luck in the dating pool.” – Devils_A66vocate
“That’s not weird, OP. What’s weird is that he’s being such a d**k about it.” – MaenadsandMomewraths
“I had a close friend with this peeve whose house I would frequent. It didn’t make sense to me, and I found it a bit odd, but if course I obliged with no problems. That’s like someone asking you to take your shoes off and you saying no.”
“I think it seems like a sign he is trying to push your boundaries, and the question is how far would that go? I don’t know your situation and wouldn’t make big assumptions like that; however, keep it in mind.”
“Not the a**hole.” – Better-Act-6133
“I found inside clothes versus outside clothes to be a largely cultural thing. Some people find it to be extremely disgusting and other people have never considered it in their life. I find both to be pretty common based on what social and cultural groups you are in, and often what part of the country.”
“But the point is that she wasn’t calling him dirty she just has a different idea about outside clothes than he does, and his response to that was to immediately get defensive and double down on being a dick, instead of just accepting she has guidelines for her own home that he might not have for his and that’s okay. He should accept them because he’s in her home.”
“If they are fighting all the time and this is how he handles it… I won’t even call it conflict, these are things that don’t even need to be conflict… she should break up with him now and save herself the trouble.” – BojackTrashMan
“NTA. It’s also YOUR bed, so it’s weird for him to act so inconvenienced over the fact that poor bubby would have to take off his pants and put new pants on. It just kind of sounds like he has a control issue. Because he acted like you were controlling when you weren’t, which feels like projection.”
“Also, he felt this was appropriate to try to personally insult you; with the comment about your clothes. You request the most MUNDANE boundary, and he insults you? You clearly didn’t personally insult him, you just asked him to make a change on YOUR behalf, and he tried to insult you to take your confidence down a notch.”
“That’s a control issue. (Respect too.) NTA, OP.” – thedevilsfrenemy
Others agreed and questioned if the relationship was worth continuing.
“NTA. It’s your bed.”
“Also, you’ve been dating for five months and you fight every few weeks? Yeah… you should probably just break up.” – Equivalent-Goat-6193
“The boyfriend is attempting to assert control in her home, and it sounds like it happens every few weeks.”
“And f**k all… sleep hygiene is important! Good sleep hygiene puts more years in one’s life. The American College of Cardiology finds many things help one’s heart and longevity, sleep being one of those things.”
“Eliminating stress at the end of the day? Priceless. Colder temps. CLEAN BEDDING. Dark rooms. No TVs or blue light. All good. Even pets can be good, depending on the human. Some people sleep better with their pets (some don’t).”
“OP, as said above, it’s your bed. He’s welcome to take his bacteria clothes to the couch.”
“NTA.” – Nomellettedufromage
“If in the relationship every few weeks OP is having to dance around to defuse/apologize for whatever ‘misunderstanding’ that occurs, it’s likely time to reconsider the value of the five-month relationship.” – 3Heathens_Mom
“I hate that so many people think constant fighting in relationships is ‘normal.’ Someone somewhere once said, ‘All couples fight,’ and the toxic / non-compatible couples took that to heart and ran with it.”
“But it’s not true, I’ve been with my partner for three years now and we have never had a legitimate fight. We have disagreements from time to time, but they consisted of us calmly and politely stating what we think is right, respectfully disagreeing, and either letting it be or finding a compromise.”
“Every time one of us has gotten mad at the other, we try to see what we did wrong and why it made the other upset, apologize, and try not to repeat the behavior. People ask how we never fight, and I have to wonder how they do. The only reason I can think of for couples constantly fighting is if they don’t care about the other’s feelings and refuse to acknowledge their own faults.” – snarkaluff
“You said his clothes were dirty, and he took it you were calling him dirty.”
“He called your desire for him not to lay on your bed in his clothes weird, and you took it as him calling you weird.”
“If you have these types of spats regularly, you may not be compatible. If the two of you can’t figure out small stuff like this, I can’t imagine how you would handle anything big.” – nemc222
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“We resolved it. We had a conversation and he is understanding about it now.”
“In his defense, he is diabetic (diagnosed within the last few years), and his blood sugar was low and I didn’t know. A lot of times, his moodiness stems from simply that, and that’s what it was this time as well.”
“I wish he would manage the mood swings with that better and maybe communicate his symptoms more, but he is trying.”
“The fights are never as bad as this. Boundaries were crossed, and I felt disrespected, but I know I also handled it poorly.”
“There has been growth from this. Thank you for your input!”
The subReddit could understand why the OP felt disrespected in her own home, and while they felt she may have handled her side of this poorly, they were more concerned about the intentional disrespect shown by the boyfriend, especially this early in the relationship.
Since they were only five months in and fighting frequently, there was no telling where the relationship would lead, even if they did resolve this misunderstanding.