When a couple has the future on their minds, and both are open to the idea of marrying, leaving it just to a matter of “when,” most people cannot help but think of all the happy times they have ahead of them.
But even excited couples who are in love can start waving red flags in each other’s faces, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Feeling_Camp_8847 had been happily together with her boyfriend for three years, and she knew that around the time that one of their mutual best friends was getting married that they were starting to think about tying the knot, too.
But when her boyfriend tried to take over the wedding reception by proposing to her, only to make a scene and stomp off when she stopped him, the Original Poster (OP) wondered where they were at.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for stopping my boyfriend’s proposal at our best friend’s wedding?”
The OP was in a happy relationship with her boyfriend of three years.
“I (26 Female) and my boyfriend (25 Male) attended a mutual friend’s wedding. They’re very close friends to us and brought my boyfriend and I together.”
“My boyfriend and I are coming up on our three-year anniversary, and things were getting pretty serious, enough so that I very much wanted to marry him.”
“He’s sweet, chatty, typically considerate, and empathetic. He’s the person who I thought was the first to show me what a truly healthy and compassionate relationship was like.”
“He’s very serious about us, too. We’ve had long talks about marriage, and it seemed we were in agreement with no formal declaration. We had even gotten as far as looking at rings. So the chance of a proposal was more of a ‘when,’ not ‘if.'”
Then the OP realized what her boyfriend was going to do and knew she had to shut it down.
“A few weeks before the wedding, the engaged couple at the time was hanging out with us.”
“The topic of weddings was very prevalent, and my boyfriend had cracked a joke about proposing at our friend’s wedding.”
“The to-be-groom joked back and said, ‘That’d be funny as h**l.'”
“This was followed by me and the to-be-bride both shutting it down, trying to be serious but also not thinking he was serious.”
“But… He was.”
The OP’s boyfriend tried to follow through with the proposal after all.
“During the reception, everyone had made their speeches, and people were getting their food. While our table was waiting, my boyfriend went up to the DJ, and after, they played my boyfriend and my’s favorite song to scream-sing in the car together: ‘Story of my Life’ by One Direction.”
“I looked at him, smiling and looking around. All of a sudden, he grabbed a fork, stood up, and began clanging on a glass. Immediately, the whole dining room looked over.”
“I stood up and whispered the words, ‘Not. Right. Now.'”
“His face dropped, and he yelled a mix of ‘I’m sorry, I was just joking.'”
“After he sat back down, I said, ‘Let them have their moment, let’s make this our own.'”
“He wouldn’t even look at me. When it was time to get our food, he immediately went toward the exit. I followed and tried to catch up to him, but couldn’t find him. I texted him twice and called him a couple of times, but got no answer, so I went back to the reception.”
The OP’s boyfriend took the ruined proposal badly.
“After not hearing from him for about an hour and a half or so, he returned, sat down, and didn’t even look at me. The rest of the night was terrible. He looked like his dog just died, and I was trying to make the best out of the night, but felt like I was just in his shadow.”
“I was prepping for a breakdown or maybe a fight in the car, but the only thing he said was, ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now,’ and the drive was just quiet and awkward.”
“He sent me a long text about how hard it was to get the ring, how he felt rejected by his closest person, and that I embarrassed him.”
“I tried to explain that it’s not that I didn’t want to marry him. It was our best friend’s wedding, and they deserved their moment. That we should create our own and not piggyback off theirs. He got offended and said that if I wanted to marry him, I wouldn’t have stopped his proposal in front of everybody.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do.
“This situation perplexes me. I’ve never seen the appeal of proposing at someone else’s wedding and tried to handle the situation in a way that I felt was calm and chill.”
“But he’s very adamant that I ruined the proposal, made him look like an a**hole, and thus I’m the a**hole.”
“Am I missing something? Should I admit I was wrong and have just let his proposal go at our friend’s wedding to make him feel better?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done the right thing by stopping the proposal.
“NTA. It was bad taste for him to propose at the wedding. It would have been unfair to the bride and groom not to mention tacky. He needs to get over it and move on.”
“Out of all the possible scenarios to propose he chose the worst option. You did the right thing by stopping him. No one knew he was going to propose so he shouldn’t feel embarrassed.” – Live-Ice7323
“Literally tell him to Google, ‘Can you propose at someone else’s wedding?’ and he’ll see thousands of results explaining that it’s considered rude. Beyond that, you don’t have to baby him. You’ve explained your side. If he’s going to continue treating you badly because he doesn’t understand etiquette, that’s on him.” – happiestnexttoyou
“The more I think on it, I’m low-key wondering if he didn’t want to plan the whole proposal. He kept talking about proposing in front of everyone. He completely ignored the person he wanted to marry and the ones getting married.”
“I bet he was like, ‘Oh man, this is perfect. It’ll be the perfect setting, everyone will already be there, it’ll look romantic, and there will already be photographers there, etc.'”
“Basically a free date night he didn’t have to plan. Because otherwise he would have listened to the woman he wants to marry and not done it then.” – WeatheredCryptKeeper
“We keep focusing on the actual attempted proposal and how selfish it was, but what about how he stormed off, left the venue and refused to communicate, caused additional stress and embarrassment for OP, possibly upset the bride and groom if they were aware of what was happening, and then refused to speak to her when he returned and basically ruined the night for both of them.”
“All because he was selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, and couldn’t be bothered to plan his own proposal.”
“If I were OP, I would be seriously reconsidering this whole relationship. His obnoxious self-centered behavior would be a serious eye-opener and red flag to me.”
“In his temper tantrum and sulking… He didn’t once seem to consider how his behavior impacted anyone else. He was solely focused on himself. This is not the sign of an empathetic man. I think there have been other telling signs that OP has glossed over or not really worried about until now.” – tamij1313
“You should be grateful. You got the chance to see how he truly reacts when things don’t go his way. And the answer: he storms off, sulks, takes it personally, and gets a bruised ego.”
“Better that you saw this now before you’re engaged or married. I know you want to marry him, but I would think about how he acted and take a hard look at your relationship and decide if you think he’ll respect you or act like this every time something doesn’t go his way.” – learningto__
Others were left worried about how frequently the OP’s boyfriend refuses to listen to her.
“I’m worried not even just the etiquette, because he mentioned doing it and she said no, as did the bride, so he was well aware she wouldn’t like it.” – EdithTheBat
“I’m sure there are more red flags and signs he doesn’t listen to her. This is a major thing she said no to and he still tried to do it, makes me wonder what other things he does anyway when she says no.” – No_Back5221
“It’s not a great sign if he won’t directly listen to his girlfriend (and the bride) about this, but maybe he will at least get a slap into reality and grow a little if he sees the majority of society thinks it’s an etiquette fail.”
“He would have embarrassed himself a lot more if she hadn’t saved him from his decision, most people know it’s taboo, and the attendees would have been judging him harshly for it.” – SkilletKitten
“He doesn’t really care that they weren’t okay with him proposing at their wedding, he is selfish, remember little details through your relationship, Good luck.” – SuggestionSEvere3298
“He was proposing to YOU, and you already told him not to propose in this exact way. So did the bride. Clearly, he doesn’t respect your wishes or those of the bride at her own wedding.”
“Now he’s somehow mad at you for embarrassing him?”
“You actually saved him from embarrassment in front of many mutual friends, who would now mostly view him as, best case scenario, an ignorant doofus or, worst case scenario, a selfish jerk had you not stopped him from publicly proposing AT A WEDDING.”
“Seriously, how do you propose to someone by doing exactly what they told you not to do? How does he have the gall to mope about how you ruined it for him? All he did was buy the ring, hijack the DJ (whom he did not hire or pay for), and try to hijack the romantic event (which he did not plan or pay for).”
“Also, how hard can it be to get the ring? Who complains about that to the actual person they got the ring for? I mean, if he is complaining about the ordeal of purchasing an engagement ring for your engagement, what is the rest of your life going to be like with him? Ugh.”
“He sounds like he really values you and your opinions.”
“The thoughtfulness you put into writing this alone makes it clear that he does not deserve your time. I’m sorry, but it’s probably for the best that you found out what he’s really like.” – Hellonyanko
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“After I got home from the wedding, my boyfriend and I texted back and forth. After he went to bed, I made my reddit post because I absolutely felt like an ahole. I was second-guessing everything and thought the night would have gone better if I had just let him do his thing.”
“After seeing the responses to my post, I’m more solidified in that I made the right decision. Yes, the night was ruined, but I’d be more comfortable with my life moving forward.”
“I gave my boyfriend and myself a day to think about this and come back with clearer heads. That was yesterday.”
“I took a lot of people’s advice and tried to reflect on if this behavior was a grand showing of any smaller reaction. The stonewalling isn’t super new. In fights at the start of our relationship, he would get quiet and make a small show of secluding himself.”
“I’d counter this by giving my boyfriend his space and telling him that moving forward, to just say he didn’t have the words to talk about it, and we can reconvene when we’re ready to talk. This worked for us. It gave him time to choose his words, we’d have a good discussion of what went wrong and how we could fix it moving forward.”
“I didn’t think that he was overtly trying to make me feel worse by the silent treatment back then.”
The OP was concerned about her boyfriend’s behavior after the proposal, though.
“However, ignoring me for the rest of our time at the wedding hurt so much. Not even saying, ‘I just need space right now,’ and rejecting to hold my hand by pulling away felt like he was pseudo-counter-rejecting me.”
“This was a first. I felt like he was trying to make me feel worse through his lack of communication.”
“That’s all I noticed. I’ve had a partner be verbally abusive to me before, and another who wasn’t willing to talk about things they did wrong; refusing to take any blame. My boyfriend hasn’t done any of that. I’m not saying I recognize all patterns of abuse, but I’d say I’m versed in a few.”
“There’s also been no real history of me catering to him constantly as others were asking. If either person had strong feelings one way or another in different scenarios, we’d often be fine with that person getting their way. Otherwise, if we both didn’t care all that much, he loves to use a wheel-spinning website to make decisions, and I think it’s cute.”
The OP’s boyfriend finally apologized.
“We met earlier today. He came over and we sat in my living room. He broke down. He vehemently apologized and said he felt like an a**hole. He said he had been reflecting all of yesterday and talking to his dad about the situation.”
“His dad got mad at him and talked him off his ‘ego crash.’ His words, not mine. He had already sent a message to our friends, now flying to their honeymoon in western Europe, apologizing for making their most important day about him and for not properly celebrating them.”
“I asked why he neglected our conversation from months before. He said that the groom and their group of friends had egged him on in private since (not to propose at the wedding, but to do it soon). He didn’t originally plan on doing it at the wedding.”
“He’s had the ring with him for about a month, never had any real plan, and wanted it to just be spontaneous. He told me he got caught up in the atmosphere of the wedding, saw his best friend with his girl, and couldn’t stop picturing us in the same scenario. His urge overran his common sense (in his terms), and he made a choice he ultimately wishes he could take back. It very much spiraled from there.”
“I noted that while his heart was in the right place, that doesn’t excuse the sh*tstorm he put me through after. I expressed to him that ignoring me really hurt me. That him saying my rejection to his proposal was the reason for his embarrassment and shutdown was unfair, especially since we had already established for him not to do that. He accepted this and continued to apologize, admitting it was very unfair of him and that he should have handled his emotions and embarrassment better. Especially towards me.”
The pair had a major talk about moving forward.
“We had a lull in our conversation after he asked, ‘Where do we go from here?'”
“At this point, I didn’t want to just return back to normal. A day where I expressed to him that I felt the prettiest in a long time, expected us to have enormous fun and watch our best friends have their moment to shine turned into a day where I was crying in my room reading Reddit comments about how I should break up with him. I genuinely thought I was the a**hole who should have just bit the bullet and accepted a proposal in a way that I and others thought wasn’t okay.”
“I told him that if we were to move forward, he needed to seek a therapist to help him manage his emotions. Not only from this, but other signs that he may have a panic disorder. My mom works for a mental health clinic and has offered resources before. I said that I needed time to rebuild my trust in him.”
“He understood and is going to seek mental health resources through my mom’s clinic. Until then, we’ll be on a week or so break with an open channel of communication. He’s going to find appropriate channels to better himself, and I’m going to take myself on a mini-vacation after the emotional rollercoaster that was this weekend.”
“We did talk about what each other’s ideal proposal was. Something we should have talked about before the trigger was even pulled on it. I said that I didn’t care for anything fancy. I just prefer it not to be public.”
“He said that he wanted to make a grand showing of love to me and didn’t care where or how. He asked if it was okay to have friends and family present or if that broke my “public” rule. I said that was fine and was happy with the communicative compromise.”
“I also stated that I didn’t want to be proposed to for a while so that we could let this situation rest and figure ourselves out from here. He accepted this.”
The OP and her boyfriend left the conversation in a good place.
“Something I thought was really sweet that I wanted to mention was that before he left, he said, ‘I do think I owe you some dancing,’ and so we slow danced in my living room for about a half hour until he left.”
“A small and romantic action, prob to earn brownie points, but the conversation did reassure me that he’s willing to try and be better. He recognized he was in the wrong and that a joyful day was robbed by pride and not rejection. This was about as ideal of an outcome as I’d hoped.”
“Thank you all for taking time out of your days to reply and bring me back to earth. While the future is still obscure, it’s a little clearer than it was a couple days ago. I have a clearer understanding now of what I want and what’s healthy.”
“Moving forward, I will do every ounce of weighing before I enter what should be the most important commitment you can make to a person you love, and I’ll keep a more careful eye on his behaviors and how he may react to adverse situations.”
The subReddit was left hoping for the best for the OP in light of everything that had happened since her best friend’s wedding. Hopefully, everything would turn out as wonderfully as she suggested in her update, and how her boyfriend handled the proposal wasn’t a sign of sadder times to come.