We've all heard about excessive wedding planning and a bride going way over-the-top with her expectations.
But when it begins to impact her family, it might be time to reevaluate what the wedding day looks like, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor GullibleSandwich444 wasn't sure what to think when she requested accommodations for several family members who were a part of the D/deaf community, only to be met with a solid no from the bride.
Realizing this was because a sign language interpreter would distract away from the happy couple, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was really wrong to ask for the accommodation.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for requesting my brother have a BSL (British Sign Language) interpreter at his wedding?"
The OP made a request for a wedding she was attending soon.
"I'm a 35-year-old woman who has been deaf since I was 6 years old. My husband is 38 and also deaf and we have an 8-year-old son who is also deaf, though, like my husband, he was born deaf."
"My younger brother is getting married in the summer and he and my future sister-in-law are doing personalized vows."
"I don't want to miss out on the vows, so I've asked my brother and his partner if he could get an interpreter for my family, so we could understand."
The request was met with mixed reactions.
"My brother was fine with it, but his partner is not keen on the idea of having a stranger up beside them as they make their vows."
"My brother then suggested that our older sister could be the interpreter instead, so it wouldn't be a stranger."
"Both he and our sister are fluent in BSL (British Sign Language), as we learned it together when I became deaf to help me learn."
The bride remained unconvinced.
"His partner again isn't keen on this, either, as she apparently just wants it to be them up there."
"I understand it's her day, and as the sister of her husband-to-be, I really don't have any right to make demands, but I'm a bit uncomfortable she isn't keen to make any kind of accommodations when joining a family where three members are deaf."
The OP's brother continued to work on accommodations.
"I don't want to miss my brother's wedding and will likely go even if she doesn't let there be an interpreter present."
"But I don't think my son will be going then, because he'll be bored, as he won't understand what is going on and being said without the interpreter there, and that isn't a good recipe for a wedding."
"My brother was clearly not happy about this and told me to leave it with him, and he'd see what he could do."
"I know he'll try, but I also don't want to cause trouble for him."
"AITA in this case?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was asking too much on someone else's wedding day.
"Someone signing doesn't impact the bride, but someone signing up on stage right next to them distracts attention and does negatively impact the bride."
"OP wants to have an interpreter AND wants that interpreter to be on stage so she's 'looking in the right direction.' It would be much more discreet and respectful to have someone seated next to her do the signing." - MrsSnakeySnake
"The bride would wind up with wedding photos of herself, her husband, the officiant, and someone signing (whose hands could be in motion or forming signs in each photo)."
"This is in addition to having the wedding guests distracted from the moment by watching the interpreter, so it does impact her and her day as well as her long-term memories of the moment in the form of photographs she'll be paying for."
"I agree that OP should be accommodated, but a written script or someone signing for them at their seats is still an accommodation without compromising the bride's day. Her desire to be 'facing the right direction' doesn't trump the bride's desires for her own wedding day." - ScarlettCamria
"The reason OP wants an interpreter up by the bride and groom is so they can watch them. If having an interpreter right next to them is a distraction, I can see how that would be annoying."
"Would having an interpreter closer to OP really be so bad? Sure, it isn't optimal for them, but it isn't excluding them either."
"This feels like OP wants what they want and they won't consider other solutions because they think they're right. And maybe they are, but if having only the couple getting married upfront is a priority for the bride, then they should try to find other options."
"Honestly, a lot of this depends on their prior relationship too. If the bride is generally nice to them and willing to accommodate OP, but she wants things 'perfect' on her wedding, then I don't see an issue taking a suboptimal solution to accommodate her." - The_Thrash_Particle
"I used to do wedding photography professionally and I have photographed 3 weddings that had ASL interpreters."
"At two of them, the interpreter was there for 5 or 6 family members on one side that needed them and was placed at the end of the groomsmen's line."
"In the photos down the aisle to the bride and groom exchanging vows, you can see the sides (not the back) of all the guests' faces because they are turned to the interpreter at the side of the church."
"I took some different angles and such to mask that effect a bit, but in all of the photos of the ceremony, it's pretty obvious that the majority of the guests aren't watching the bride and groom."
"In the third, the interpreter was there for the bride's sister who was a bridesmaid, so she was sitting in the front row and signing forwards, so that one isn't relevant." - ScarlettCamria
But others thought the OP could be easily accommodated at the wedding.
"There is a good reason why an interpreter is upfront. It is so a Deaf person has the same view, an equal view, as their hearing counterparts."
"And unlike hearing people, who can stand anywhere and hear the vows, a Deaf person has limited options of being able to see and understand the context of what they are watching."
"The interpreter doesn't stand right beside the couple but rather to the side and upfront/higher than the general public or in this case, guests. Ensuring that they can be seen by those who require their services and so they can interpret in 'real time' without the risk of being blocked. This is the legal guidance in the UK."
"OP wants what they want. I don't think they're unreasonable for asking."
"To think that an interpreter, for members of the family you are marrying into, will take away or lessen your 'perfect' day is a pretty weird stance. I understand it, I just don't agree with it. In my view, it's shallow and shows a lack of respect for diversity."
"The D/deaf community has a strong identity and unique culture. Either you're somebody that embraces that or you're not." - arcoftheswing
"Some people may be distracted because they aren't used to being around signed languages, but that's their problem, not deaf people's." - Comfortable_Stick520
"Everyone would not be staring at the interpreter!"
"Imagine your average wedding set-up. Bride, groom, and officiant in the middle, and a line of bridesmaids and groomsmen flanking them."
"Stick the interpreter at the end of the groomsmen's line, OP's family can sit on the outside edge of the first row of seats on the Groom's side (which is pretty standard seating, groom's parents on the center aisle, siblings seated next to them)."
"Then OP and her family are facing the front (and the interpreter can actually hear the quiet part of the vows), but most of the guests who are turned towards the center aisle and bride and groom aren't even going to have a clear view of the interpreter."
"This isn't complicated or hard to do." - OrindaSarnia
"Are you SERIOUS? Have you ever seen an interpreter? They do not dress flashy, they literally blend into the background, and they are there so that those that cannot hear can understand what is going on."
"The interpreter will not be outshining the bride or taking away attention from her. Those that stare at the interpreter are doing so out of curiosity and/or rudeness." - nlladybug
Some were just grossed out by the bride's reluctance and bride culture in general.
"I am so tired of this 'the bride's ideal vision must be indulged at all costs to everyone else' bulls**t."
"This is the groom's sister and her family. Part of a wedding is the celebrating the joining of two FAMILIES of which the sister is a part."
"Having someone sign is really not a big deal, and I say this as a hearing person. If making an inclusive accommodation is that big of a deal, then you need to sit down and really reflect on your attitude towards disabled people, because I have a feeling that attitude is reaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyy gross." - Bord_Ad8420
"Excuse me, future bride, but you literally just said that a wedding where you've invited three deaf people, who are your new FAMILY, you don't have to provide assistance to because it's your wedding and it ruins the aesthetic?"
"Yeah, sure, you dream of your perfect wedding day, blah blah blah, but you decided to marry someone who has hearing disabled people in it. How callous of you to decide not to provide them with what they need to also enjoy your wedding."
"And this is your future sister-in-law. I'm sorry, but if it was me, I 1000000% would be providing an interpreter for my new sister, brother, and nephew. Me, my wedding, my venue, and all else will still be just as beautiful. Like seriously, come the f**k on." - RoxyVapes99
"Some people are acting like the interpreter would be in between the wife and husband. You probably also think having subtitles on is too distracting for you, right?"
"And can we stop acting like weddings are just for the bride? The husband wants the interpreter there. It's his family, and she clearly doesn't care about them." - FreeHattt
"I know I'm not the only one who's seen press conferences, emergency news updates, presidential briefings, etc. that almost ALWAYS have an interpreter. The interpreter has NEVER distracted me at all, let alone to the point of my losing the thread of what's being said. In fact, it always makes me happy to see."
"I live in NYC and I remember the press conferences in preparation for, and during, Hurricane Sandy (2012), the lovely interpreter that was standing to the side of the mayor as he gave updates and emerging information. She even became kind of a mini-celebrity. There were articles about how everyone liked her."
"This occurred during the preparation for, and in the midst of, a horrendous and serious natural disaster when what was being said was of such importance that it could literally be the difference between life and death. No one missed what Bloomberg was saying because there was an interpreter standing a few feet to his right. That's ridiculous."
"OP, your future SIL (sister-in-law) is a true bridezilla. It's not HER day, it's her and your brother's day. I'd find this behavior gross if your brother had a close friend or a cousin or work colleague who was deaf and she said no, let alone his sister, BIL, and nephew!"
"Absolutely NTA, and now you know the type of person she is. And your brother SHOULD put his foot down and make it clear it's not a request, it's a requirement, for him. If he didn't respond the way he has, I'd have a problem with him as well."
"You are not causing trouble for him or anyone who is reasonable, respectful, and caring. The future bride needs to stop being a hurtful and selfish AH, both in this situation and in general." - dresses_212_10028
The subReddit was divided on this one between offering accessible options and maintaining a bride's aesthetic choices.
But ultimately, the point both sides wanted to make was about the importance of family. If the bride was unwilling to accommodate her new family in favor of her aesthetic, what would that say about her future with her husband?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp