Coordinating wedding events are a pain, especially during times of a pandemic where conventional plans are abandoned in favor of socially distant alternatives.
But virus or no virus, any stresses involved prior to a couple’s journey to the altar are par for the course.
But for Redditor inthe100acrewood—a bride-to-be—the road to marital bliss was proving to be far more problematic than she ever anticipated.
After being “over the drama”, she consulted the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked if she “would be the a**hole” (WIBTA) for cutting her losses.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
“WIBTA if I uninvite bridesman and his wife from wedding related events for being a giant pain and share why.”
“Brief background, I (32 F[emale]) grew up close with my cousin Bob (33 M[ale]). He and my fiance Jack both do a niche sport and are also now good friends – Jack (32 M[ale]) now mentors Bob in this specific sport.”
“Bob’s wife Kate (28 F[emale]) has always been particular (dress codes for every family holiday, long emails about how we should behave when she hosts, limits on Bob’s phone time / hobby time with us), but we’ve gotten ok in the past.”
“Anyway, when I got engaged I asked Bob to be a bridesman. I didn’t realize Kate would take over. To keep the post brief here’s a list of things that have happened:”
“Bob agreed to rent a suit in our wedding colors. Kate then texts to say he can’t – we end up with me agreeing to rent the suit (including pickup and dropoff). She said they’d do it as a favor for me.”
“Kate was invited to the bachelorette (as Bob was the only guy) then proceeded to plan a couple trip and kept asking my sister (maid of honor) to adjust the bachelorette party for Kate’s plans.”
“Due to [the virus] I cancel the bachelorette and the wedding.”
An alternative plan was set in place, but even that got derailed.
“My sister plans a video call bachelorette instead. Kate sends her a long email about video calls being weird, not wanting to meet my friends for the first time like that, and saying she and my cousin will not attend the call – at all. She offers to host her own event later.”
“Fast forward to last week. Kate threw a small socially distanced / outside surprise engagement party with a few of our other cousins.”
“My sister / maid of honor didnt know this was happening and couldn’t attend. My sister is also planning an outside socially distanced bridal shower with the women in our family (everyone will stay on their own picnic blanket).”
“Kate sent a long email to my sister saying her get together was the celebration and it’s irresponsible to get together again.”
“My mom was not invited and my sister could not attend. But we also did not ask for the surprise – it was nice she did it but not in line with who I even planned to invite.”
“She also closed by saying ‘but if OP needs a second event to feel loved’ then she could host and plan her way.”
“Kate has also provided her opinions on how we should handle the zoom wedding and outlined what Bob will say in his speech. She’s stepping all over my bridesmaids and I’m losing it.”
“My sister is also pissed and has been dealing with this for 7 months and previously talked to Kate about her behavior. I’m over the drama.”
“WIBTA if I uninvite Kate / Bob from other events and explain why to our family?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed that Kate was a lot to handle and that the OP was not obligated to invite her to the wedding.
“Don’t bother to explain why Bob and Kate can’t make it. Your wedding, your choice. Family can ask them and believe who they want.”
“Don’t bother explaining Bob and Kate’s drama. No one will benefit from it. This time is not about them. It’s about you and your fiancé.”
“If anyone asks you, ‘What’s going on??’ Look at them and say pointedly, ‘Jack and I are celebrating our nuptials.’ Then talk to someone else while they absorb your message. Enjoy!” – Peri_Colosa1
This Redditor wondered how Kate got this far in life without being told off for her behavior.
“Does anyone tell her to f’k off? Or is she one of those abusive people who make life real miserable if you stand up to her so people let her do what she wants?”
“Also NTA, just because Bob lacks a spine and is stuck with her doesn’t mean you have to be. It’s your wedding, and frankly IMO the decision was made when she decided to be a passive aggressive sh*t head in that email.” – BornAgainCyclist
This Redditor had a more direct description for Kate.
“Kate is way too controlling, but at least she’s not passive-aggressive. She’s just flat out aggressive.” – mjdlittlenic
Redditor MadameMimmm suggested that Bob deserved a fair warning before the OP made her final decision to uninvite them.
“Its your wedding. You are NTA if you uninvite her and Bob, since she is demanding and crossing way too many lines.”
“But, there will be tension and anger and probably Bob will be hurt. Have you talked to him about the situation at all? I mean he is your friend and you invited him and she is his +1.”
“If you have talked to her with no effect, i would talk to him and tell him your grievances, that you talked to her already and that you dont know what to do for her constantly overstepping.”
“Tell him this ruins your wedding and you would love to have him still as a braidsman but she needs to stop. See what he says, i think if you two are close he should get a warning and should be involved in your decision to eventually uninvite them if she does not stop.” – MadameMimmm
The OP replied:
“I feel like Bob will side with Kate regardless, the only person he will listen to more than Kate is my Aunt.”
“And my Aunt listens to my grandparents who will be super pissed at how my sister and I are being treated. So there might be some drama there.”
And MadamMimmm countered:
“From what you write i am sure Bob only listens to Kate. But i think as your bridesman he deserves a heads up so he can consider talking to her or being uninvited.”
“It will definitely cause drama, but i think you deserve a beautiful wedding without disturbances and if Kate is a disturbance she can not go.”
The OP was encouraged to take advantage of a unique opportunity to be selective with her guest list.
“NTA – social distancing is a great time to weed out the people who are literally sucking the life out of you and oh my, Kate is sucking life from me via proxy in this description.”
“She is a pain in the donkey and my god, why would anyone subject themselves to this masochism.”
“Also, ‘she is doing you a favour’ by having you rent the suit and picking up and dropping off???”
“I’m about to drop off here.”
“I wouldn’t even care to explain it to her, just tell her she is a real piece of work and maybe, if I’m not too stressed, explain to those who ask.”
This Redditor suggested for the OP to tell Bob what Kate’s role should be in all of this.
“This sounds like an incredibly abusive relationship, so this is really important.”
“I would even tell Bob she is no longer welcome to be involved in the wedding or planning, and he is always welcome, she is only as a by stander.”
“They’ll likely not attend, but at least he can file it away if he needs support later. NTA.” – SmookeyHaloween
“Yeah he’s aware and actively enabling. It’s hard to watch someone you respect completely change who they are for another person.”
“He can’t even get on a phone call with us about the wedding without Kate saying it’s ok and also being on the line.”
And this Redditor told the OP to be fully transparent with Kate and brace herself for backlash.
“Dump her, keep your wedding.”
“Tell her straight up that she is banned from participating in any pre-wedding decision making or activities, because she has exhausted you and everyone else with her constant demands and meddling and condescension.”
“Expect a blow up. Tell her you’re not available for her to vent to, as she’s used up all the emotional energy you’re willing to spend. If she says one more word to you or anyone about you, your fiance, your family, your friends, or your wedding, she’s uninvited and totally cut off.”
“If Bob has a problem with this, dump him too.”
“Good luck. I hope you have a lovely wedding and a happy marriage.” – IdlesAtCranky
Most Redditors agreed that it’s time to confront Kate and let her go.
Because no wedding couple needs more drama than necessary before exchanging their vows.