Brides-to-be are notorious for taking their wedding day planning seriously. But it’s terrible when you become one of the victims of their plan.
One woman on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit thought everything was going to be fine when she became her friend’s Maid of Honor, but she didn’t expect what her friend had in store for her husband.
Redditor aitathrowawayacc, in fact, didn’t appreciate the demands the bride began to make of them as a couple.
But when the planning seemed like it might jeopardize their friendship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being selfish.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to attend a wedding when my husband is not welcome there?”
The OP was invited to her friend’s wedding last October.
“My (30 [female]) friend (31 [female]) is getting married in August.”
“She invited me and my husband to the wedding already in October when she got engaged. I was asked to be her maid of honor.”
“She didn’t have the date immediately as she wasn’t sure how it will be with [the pandemic].”
The bride had a terrible surprise for the couple after choosing the wedding date.
“But now that she has the date, she told me she thinks it would be better if my husband didn’t come.”
“I asked her why and she didn’t want to tell me at first but then she said it is because he is shorter than me and it would look weird in pictures.”
“He has around 165 cm (5 feet 4.961 inches) while I have 166cm (5 feet 5.354 inches).”
“I think the difference is not that big and I offered I woudn’t wear heels. But she said I must wear them, because I am the maid of honor and bridesmaid will wear heels as well.”
The OP and bride were not able to agree about this arrangement.
“I said that if my husband is not invited because of his height, I am not coming to her wedding.”
“She said that the day is about her and not about me and my husband and I should respect her wishes about her day. She said that she counts me as the maid of honor and I can’t do this to her.”
“I told her she is being shallow and that it is either me and my husband or none of us.”
The OP received mixed feedback from others, as well.
“I talked about it with my husband and he thinks I am not the a**hole and actually would think it would be bad of me to agree with my friend. However, he doesn’t like her that much (she doesn’t know that, so it couldn’t play a role in it).”
“So I am not sure if his opinion is really objective.”
“I asked my friend and she said I am the a**hole cause it is just one day and it is about the bride so I shouldn’t make a drama out of it.”
“So perhaps I am the a**hole because I am focusing on me being there with my husband and not on what the bride wants?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this was an over-the-top demand from the bride.
“NTA. You and your husband are 100% correct.”
“What on earth did she think your response would be? I think ‘Both of us or neither of us’ is entirely fair.”
“For someone who is about to get married, she seems to have an odd idea of what marriage entails. You cant have it both ways.”
“It sounds like she is essentially saying ‘My marriage is important, yours is not.'” – Stoat__King
“NTA. The bride is being very rude and shallow and so is your other friend. Time to get new friends.” – Igotanewpen
“This is just not how normal people behave. Friend or no friend, you don’t exclude someone for their height.” – farahad
“THIS! Is this real? Are people really like this? I swear I don’t think I know anyone like this! This type of behavior is so shocking to me, but yet I see it so often in the sub. I’m just bewildered.” – chels0493
“Height is an uncontrollable physical attribute. We’d be causing an uproar if a bride told her bridesmaid she was too fat to be in wedding pictures– this is the same, if not worse with the husband’s height! I am absolutely livid on the husband’s behalf. NTA.” – somesortofpunname
Others pointed out the OP’s husband wouldn’t be in that many pictures, anyway.
“I can’t imagine there would really be that many pictures with him and you if you are in the wedding party and he is not. She’s just showing you that she totally sucks.”
“I’d definitely drop any friend that made such negative comments about someone’s appearance that they have no control over, especially my own husband.” – jleek9
“Thing is, most of the time the Maid of Honor is paired with the Best Man. Even for photos the bridesmaids usually pose with the brides and the groomsmen pose with the groom – and no spouses are included in those photos.”
“Regardless of why, the bride is still an ah for trying to exclude her Maid of Honor’s husband and say he can’t even attend the wedding.” – MarketingManiac208
A few were also frustrated about the bride’s “me me me” attitude.
“Definitely NTA. I would ditch the bride and the other friend who said ‘don’t make a drama out of it’ too. You’re standing up to a bully with a really old-fashioned mindset. Please don’t let her do this to you OP.”
“I also don’t understand how anyone could tell you what to wear and what not to wear and who you could bring because it’s ‘my day’. I might never get this because I’m from a different culture. But UNINVITING your husband seems to be a bit too far.” – virgodiaries
“I really don’t know where this mentality that ‘a wedding is about the bride’ came from, weddings are all about love, the bride and groom’s love. The bride is not the protagonist of life, that’s why we have birthdays.”
“If you’re getting married and uninvite the love of your MOH’s life because of shallow reasons, you’re not that ready for marriage.” – topoloco1
The OP later shared a few updates about discussing the situation with her friend.
“After all the support I got here, I am making a move.”
“I wrote her a text saying that I understand that wedding can be stressful and she wants it perfect but that it really hurt me what she wanted from me. I wrote that I am standing to what I said and unless my husband is invited, I am not coming.”
“I wrote I want to be there for her and help her as the maid of honor but I can’t do that if she will have superficial demands.”
She shared another update after receiving no reply.
“So far no reply, I am giving her time till tomorrow and then I will write her that we are not coming so I can close it.”
The OP updated one more time after hearing from the bride.
“So she finally wrote me. She very rudely told me that if this is my attitude, I can /the F word/ off.”
“I was polite in my message, and she can’t do even that (be polite).”
“So we are not going and I don’t really want to talk to her after this all. I tried my best to resolve it and to give her a chance.”
“It’s sad but I guess she really was a toxic friend as many of you said in the comments.”
Though it would be great if some kind of compromise could be reached in this situation so the friendship wouldn’t be sacrificed, it seems like the ball is essentially in the bride’s court.
The subReddit agreed all the bride really needed to do was apologize for her demands and the hurt feelings she caused, and if she couldn’t even do that?
Maybe that’s a wedding the happy couple really didn’t want to attend anyway.