Weddings are a tough beast. They’re expensive, they involve coordinating with tons of other people, and overall it ends up feeling like a party for everybody but you.
Coordinating wedding parties also involve taking people’s feelings into account and making some really difficult choices at the expense of others. And others will react how they see fit in return.
Which is why a former member of a wedding party went onto the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to get some clarity.
Redditor ThisIsAnAltAccount66 asked:
“Hi there Reddit,” she began, “This past Saturday I think I may have screwed up a good relationship in my life.”
“My (25, F[emale]) best friend Krista (25, F) got engaged last July and has a wedding planned for this December, Corona allowing it. She and I have been friends since we were fourteen (she’s even my son’s godmother). Our families are close and it feels like I have two sets of parents at times. When she got engaged, she asked me to be maid of honor and I accepted.”
Krista’s sister came back into the picture recently and complicated things.
“Krista has an older sister, Megan (29, f) who was estranged from the family. Basically, Megan lived a very party girl lifestyle and burned a lot of bridges with her family from ages 20-28. Now she’s been going to programs for alcohol dependency and is trying to make amends. She and Krista began speaking to each other again last November after being no-contact for two years.”
And this eventually complicated our original poster, or OP’s, plans to be Maid Of Honor.
“This past weekend Krista and I were talking wedding plans. We’ve been doing some homemade decor for the wedding and were brainstorming other ideas, when she decided to drop this bomb on me. She brought up Megan being at the wedding and accommodating her in since they’re repairing their relationship. I thought that sounded great, until Krista asked me to step down as MoH so Megan can step in. She said it’s important to Megan since its her only sister’s wedding. I would still be allowed to be a bridesmaid and help with the wedding, just not MoH.”
After considering it, OP did not feel super comfortable with the idea.
“I asked Krista why she thought it was okay to bench me in favor of Megan and why being a bridesmaid wasn’t good enough for Megan, and she said its traditional for a sister to be MoH and its what she wanted. I’ve already helped her pick out a dress and decor and I was looking forward to planning a bridal shower if things calmed down in time.”
So she decided to distance herself from it.
“I told Krista that Megan can have the MoH seat but I won’t be a bridesmaid if she thinks I’m so easily set aside. I would still attend the wedding since I still care about her and my son is ring bearer, but I have no intention of helping any further with planning.”
“Krista said I was being selfish and making the wedding about me and should be happy for her and her sister reconnecting, but I don’t want to be in the wedding party with Megan now. If I’d originally been jut a bridesmaid I wouldn’t care if Megan was MoH, but I feel set aside and like the last 11 years of friendship is devalued. We haven’t talked about it since.”
With some feelings of guilt, she was left to ask Reddit the question:
“Aita for not stepping down as MoH and settling for bridesmaid?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit had a hard time agreeing on this one.
“NTA. I can’t blame you for wanting to step down, and I think your friend was really rude wanting to demote you while still expecting the same help.”
“It’s great she wants to reconnect with her sister – but being her best friend of 11 years should make you more important than her recently un-estranged sister IMO.”~Barrel-Of-Tigers
“I’m going to go with ESH but only because I can’t think of a better way to put it.”
“I don’t think Krista was trying to be mean – I think she was trying to ‘fix’ the situation in a way that would make everyone happy without realizing how hurt you would be.”
“I don’t think there’s a ‘tradition’ that the sister has to be the MoH, and there’s no reason Megan couldn’t have been a bridesmaid – Krista could have easily explained that you were already asked to be MoH.”
“But I think you’re going to regret not being in the wedding and supporting your best friend.”~themadhatterwasright
“Mild YTA. Your hurt feelings are understandable, but you are making this about you. It would have obviously been best for her to have originally designated her sister as MoH, but she asked you to do her a favor—accept an admittedly unfortunate demotion for the sake of her relationship with her sister—and you took it as a personal slight.”
“She isn’t making this move as an insult to you: she wanted you in the bridal party and was planning on keeping your level of involvement similar. Your feelings are real, but if ever there was a time to take a deep breath and take one for the team, a dear friend’s wedding is probably it.”~hraedon
“NTA. There’s no estrangement in my family, but I still wasn’t my older sister’s MOH. Why? Because her best friend was a better choice and someone who could be there and help (I lived 2+ hours away). Our younger sister wasn’t in the wedding party at all because she didn’t live in the same state.”
“Nobody’s feelings were hurt. You were disappointed and hurt, but dropped from the wedding party respectfully. You’re still attending and of course you’ll be happy for the couple. But you’re making it clear that now she can have her new MOH pick up all the responsibilities that go along with her title. I have the feeling this is going to bite her in the butt.”~IrradiatedBeagle
This is a tough situation for both OP and Krista, both of whom are just trying to do what they believe is the right thing for the sake of the wedding.
“NTA. Your feelings are hurt, it’s not like you said you won’t be at the wedding, and no one has to be a bridesmaid if they don’t want to”~ViolaClay
“NTA. If you’ve already been assigned it’s an extremely bad move to demote someone. Her sister should be happy to be in the wedding party at all. Plus that’s an extremely important position. Is the sister even reliable enough to be considered for that?”~clanc43
“YTA Your feelings are understandably hurt. But to throw away a beautiful 11 year friendship like this over a slight is a mistake. You’re still a bridesmaid.”
“And there’s a real chance Megan will screw this up and Krista will need you there. Put your hurt feelings aside, pull up your big girl pants and be a friend to Krista who’s in a bad spot.”~YorkPepperMintPaddy
“NAH as you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to AND also you put so much work into your friend’s wedding, but I can also see where your friend is coming from especially since her sister is turning over a new leaf and all… she’s probably throwing her a bone as well.”
“I don’t think anyone is the a**hole here, but I also think that if you don’t wanna lose your friendship it’s not a bad shout to maybe just reiterate that you love her and are still happy and excited to be there to watch her get married and that while you understand her decision you are still hurt by it considering your history with her and how much time and effort you’ve put into helping her so far, but emphasize that you are still her friend and that hasn’t changed.”
“Having said that, I know you’re hurt, but you might regret bowing out. In theory, this is a once in a lifetime type of event for her and you might regret it.”
“You’re not the AH at all, but neither is she, and your friendship runs deep so maybe think about whether or not it’s just better to be like ‘ah screw it, not worth the drama’ and just stay in her bridal party.”~Setaralien
But everyone agrees this seems like a bad time to throw away an eleven-year-old friendship.
“ESH – Your friend is should not have demoted you, but you overreacted because your feelings were hurt…. and justifiably so. But, getting a sister back so to speak is also a big deal. I would ask her to go chat with you about what to do next before it is too late.”
“But, I wouldn’t leave her high and dry unless you want to completely destroy your friendship for the rest of your life. Best friends are rare things in this world, and your relationship is more important than this one event.”~Chuhrgvxmyv
“NTA Sure it’s her wedding and that gives her the right to assign whomever to whatever roles, but it’s in bad taste to demote somebody, and even if it is her wedding it’s not your obligation to fulfill a role.”
“I would be incredible insulted in your shoes as she put an on-off relationship in front of the relationship you had. People often don’t understand that the families we make are just as important as the ones that we’re born with and she chose the latter over you.”
“You’ve been a constant in her life, and by your description extremely close, and you already fulfilled multiple duties as a maid of honor— for her to chose somebody else and replace you midway through is insulting and careless.”
“In my opinion you have every right to feel hurt and to not accept her invitation to be a bridesmaid. For the sake of your relationship I hope she realizes her mistake and apologizes to you.”~CameronLeVoyageur
“NTA. I hate the idea we have as a society that we need to hold family in high regards no matter what. I hate when people try to use ‘traditions’ as justification for their actions.”
“The main issue I have with this, though, is that she asked you to be MoH in the first place. You’ve been helping her plan her wedding, and doing all of the MoH duties, and now you’re being asked to step down in favor of a sister who hasn’t been around? I’d be very upset if I was you too.”~Blathersisacoward
“NAH. I think it makes perfect sense that your feelings were hurt here, but I do think you are being a little petty. She clearly still honors you as a friend. I think you need to consider how important your friendship is.”
“She felt comfortable enough to come to you with this important ask, and you flipped out on her. I’m sure this isnt easy for her either. The only thing that is changing is the title. Is a title for one day really worth your friendship?”~lyraterra
While Reddit is in a state of disagreement over who is at fault, or if anybody is even at fault here at all, it’s still a difficult situation that OP will need to handle with care.
She came back and gave an update.
“Thanks everyone for the civil input, I’m going to talk to Krista and see if we can come up with a solution together now that we’ve both had time apart. I have no intention of letting this ruin our relationship.”
We wish her well in that conversation.