When planning your wedding, it's pretty easy to decide the guests you definitely want at your wedding, as well as the guests you definitely do not want there either.
What can be a bit more complicated are the guests whom you don't really want there but feel somewhat obligated to invite.
Knowing full well that your wedding will definitely be a happier occasion if these complicated individuals aren't there, but not inviting them might cause more drama than their being present would.
Redditor Alive_Baker8802 was greatly looking forward to her wedding, which she and her fiancé had planned to a T.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s adopted sister, with whom she had a somewhat fraught relationship, wasn't thrilled with a certain aspect of the OP's wedding, even going so far as to tell the OP she wasn't going to follow it.
The OP warned her sister that if she ignored this particular protocol regarding her wedding, she wouldn't be welcome at the wedding.
As it turned out, both the OP and her sister lived up to their words, resulting in some drama with the OP's parents.
Having second thoughts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for kicking my sister out of my wedding because she did not follow the color scheme?"
The OP explained why she kicked her sister out of her wedding with little to no guilt:
"When I (25 F[emale]) was 9, my parents adopted my sister 'Jen' who was 7 at the time."
"Jen was thin and fearful due to being neglected."
"We did everything to make her feel loved."
"We bought her lots of toys."
"Everything Jen wanted, she got."
"When my parents asked me to move to the smaller bedroom so Jen could have my room, I was happy to."
"When they asked if I would let Jen pick the decorations and cake for my upcoming birthday, I agreed."
"I was so happy to have a sister, and I understood why my parents gave her special treatment."
"Only the treatment didn't stop."
"For years, every trip we went on, we had to do what Jen wanted to do."
"We had to eat where she wanted to eat."
"And she got to plan all MY birthday parties."
"If she didn't get what she wanted, she threw a tantrum."
"I still felt loved and cared for by my parents–they drove me to practices, bought me things, cooked meals for me, spent quality time and gave me advice, but I was always second to Jen."
"As I got older, I did anything I could to leave the house."
"I got my first job when I was 12."
"I vacationed with friends instead of family."
"I played three different sports and did band."
"I took my driver's test the DAY I turned 16 and bought a car the day after."
"I went to college on the other side of the country."
"Now that I make good money, I do things I missed as a child."
"I take fancy vacations and throw elaborate parties as I please."
"My wedding was no exception."
"My fiancée 'Kip' and I wanted everything to be perfect."
"We thought it would be fun to have a color scheme."
"My favorite color is yellow, and his is blue, so my guests would wear yellow, his would wear blue, and mutual friends would wear green."
"I picked out a dress with green embroidered details, and he picked a boutonniere with green flowers."
"When Jen found out about this, she was mad."
"I didn't know this, but she hates yellow and it 'washes her out'."
"She told me under no circumstances would she wear yellow."
"I shrugged and said that was fine–I would just kick her out if she did not wear yellow."
"There was no further discussion, but on my wedding day Jen came in a purple dress."
"I told her to leave immediately."
"The color scheme was perfect and she ruined it."
"Jen refused to leave until I threatened to call security."
"The rest of the wedding went smoothly, but afterward, my parents were furious with me for kicking Jen out."
"I told them that I warned her she would be kicked out if she didn't follow the color scheme, but they said they all thought it was a joke."
"They said it was cruel of me to kick my sister out over something so trivial."
"I told them this was MY wedding that I threw without their support, so I can kick out whoever I want to."
"Kip came rushing to defend me and even told my parents they should be ashamed of how they treated me, but over the past few days, a lot of people I've talked to–grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, have been mixed."
"Some say they wouldn't have even invited Jen if they were me, while others think I should have let it slide."
"I figured people would assume this, but I did NOT ask my guests to dress head to toe in their assigned color."
"I completely understand that people might not have yellow formalwear laying around."
"I said to dress in only neutral colors and/or your assigned color, so someone could wear a black dress and yellow jewelry, a black suit and a yellow tie, etc, but no colors outside neutral or your assigned color."
"I invited Jen because she is family, and I honestly thought she was more mature than this."
"I did not know she hated the color yellow when I chose the color scheme."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for kicking Jen out of her wedding for wearing a purple dress.
While some thought the OP could have handled things with a bit more diplomacy, most agreed that she was within her rights to kick Jen out of her wedding. Jen seemed to clearly show up in the purple dress out of spite, and the OP's parents needed to know how neglected and overlooked the OP felt since they adopted Jen.
"NTA."
"I have been to weddings where the bride and groom wanted a color scheme."
"To date, I have not known anyone who had such a problem that they showed up in a different color just for spite."
"Because make no mistake about it, that is exactly why your sister showed up in purple, pure spite."
"If the color yellow was really the problem, she could have asked to wear blue."
"Instead, she showed up in purple with the express intention of upstaging the bride and groom and causing a scene, knowing all the time that your parents would back her up."
"Your parents have been sh*tty to you ever since your sister showed up."
"Time to call them and your sister out for their obnoxious behavior and blatant favoritism."- Stormy111161
"NTA."
"The question here isn't whether or not a color scheme is stupid."
"It very well could be, but it's also becoming the norm."
"And frankly, if you don't like it, you don't have to attend the event."
"But what you don't get to do is say a color scheme is stupid, so I'll make up my own rules and force the couple being married to let me in."
"Jen was stupid here."
"OP, you did the right thing in kicking her out."
"Her feelings, that she can dictate the rules for your wedding aren't any worse than you having those rules in place."
"In short, f*ck Jen, she got what she wanted in the end."- saintandvillian
"I'm not a fan of overly themed weddings with 'what to wear' instructions, but on the other hand, I have heard way worse."
"There are eighty-billion shades of yellow and blue, so it's no big deal."
"And really, if anyone had a serious objection to it, they just politely could bow out of it."
"That said, what your sister did was an obvious play at upstaging you, just like she always has done."
"NTA."
"Because you were standing up for yourself."
"But, if you actually try to continue to maintain a relationship with her, be super-clear about your boundaries to her and your parents."
"She could continue to make waves, especially now that she knows you'll stand up to her."- cwrightbrain
"The question was if you were the AH for kicking your sister out for not following the color scheme, not if you were the AH for having a color scheme for your wedding."
"NTA."
"She didn't follow the rules, so bye-bye."- chelsea5532
"To me, this is the same as having a themed wedding and wanting everyone to dress up with you."
"Example: I've known couples to have Star Wars-themed weddings and have their guests also dress up."
"So if someone didn't want to follow the theme, then they shouldn't go to the wedding."
"So NTA in my opinion."- Crafty_Special_7052
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, as well as sharing an update as to where things stood with her, her parents, and Jen, and also a bit more details on Jen's upbringing:
"First, thanks for all of your comments."
"I felt so guilty the past few days and was worried it would carry into my honeymoon, but you have helped me realize that I am not the bad guy and it is okay that I responded the way I did."
"Last night my parents reached out to me and asked if all the things Kip said–about how they should be ashamed–were true."
"At that point I told them how my upbringing had impacted me, and how my wedding was supposed to make up for the parties I never had as a kid, the decisions I never got to make."
"For the first time, I was able to call all of the shots and make everything exactly the way I wanted it to be."
"I even showed them this post and how most of you responded to help reinforce what I said."
"My parents said they had absolutely no idea how deeply their treatment had affected me."
"This is somewhat fair because I never really talked to them about it, but at the same time, I feel like they should have wondered why I left home as soon as I could, never came back, and hardly ever texted/called them."
"They said they feel so sorry about it, and are now planning a vacation with them, myself, and Kip for next summer to make up for it."
"I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at least now it looks like they're making an effort."
"As for Jen, according to my parents she really struggled to make friends in middle school and high school."
"I didn't know this because I practically lived with my high school bf my sophomore/junior year of high school and then graduated early, and Jen repeated a year in elementary school due to trauma so we were 5 grades apart despite only being 2.5 years apart."
"My parents tried putting her in therapy, but she wouldn't cooperate."
"College was a slap in the face for her when she realized the world didn't revolve around her–she had to live in the same 7x9' room with plaster walls and linoleum floors as everyone else."
"She dropped out after a year and tried getting a job, but got fired after a few months."
"At that point my parents realized they really f*cked up."
"They told Jen she had to either go to intensive therapy or they would kick her out."
"According to my parents, she's now taking classes at a community college and hoping to transfer to a four year institution."
"She's doing better for the most part, though she occasionally lashes out."
"I'm glad Jen is getting the help she needs and working towards a career, and excited about potentially going on a trip with my parents and husband (while also knowing they might bail)."
"I'm open to having more of a relationship with them, but I don't think we'll ever be a super tight knit family."
"Some wounds are too deep."
"But instead of dwelling on the past, I'm looking towards my future–starting a family with Kip and making sure I don't make the same mistakes my parents did."
It was clear that Jen needed extra love and attention, as she came from a household that was all but completely absent.
However, that love and attention didn't need to be at the OP's almost complete expense, nor should Jen have continued to get the same special treatment as she grew older, as doing so was bound to affect her maturity.
If it came a bit late, thankfully, lessons seemed to have been learned, and a happy, functional relationship between the OP and her family seems likely to be in the cards.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp