When planning your wedding, it’s pretty easy to decide the guests you definitely want at your wedding, as well as the guests you definitely do not want there either.
What can be a bit more complicated are the guests whom you don’t really want there but feel somewhat obligated to invite.
Knowing full well that your wedding will definitely be a happier occasion if these complicated individuals aren’t there, but not inviting them might cause more drama than their being present would.
Redditor Alive_Baker8802 was greatly looking forward to her wedding, which she and her fiancé had planned to a T.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)’s adopted sister, with whom she had a somewhat fraught relationship, wasn’t thrilled with a certain aspect of the OP’s wedding, even going so far as to tell the OP she wasn’t going to follow it.
The OP warned her sister that if she ignored this particular protocol regarding her wedding, she wouldn’t be welcome at the wedding.
As it turned out, both the OP and her sister lived up to their words, resulting in some drama with the OP’s parents.
Having second thoughts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for kicking my sister out of my wedding because she did not follow the color scheme?”
The OP explained why she kicked her sister out of her wedding with little to no guilt:
“When I (25 F[emale]) was 9, my parents adopted my sister ‘Jen’ who was 7 at the time.”
“Jen was thin and fearful due to being neglected.”
“We did everything to make her feel loved.”
“We bought her lots of toys.”
“Everything Jen wanted, she got.”
“When my parents asked me to move to the smaller bedroom so Jen could have my room, I was happy to.”
“When they asked if I would let Jen pick the decorations and cake for my upcoming birthday, I agreed.”
“I was so happy to have a sister, and I understood why my parents gave her special treatment.”
“Only the treatment didn’t stop.”
“For years, every trip we went on, we had to do what Jen wanted to do.”
“We had to eat where she wanted to eat.”
“And she got to plan all MY birthday parties.”
“If she didn’t get what she wanted, she threw a tantrum.”
“I still felt loved and cared for by my parents–they drove me to practices, bought me things, cooked meals for me, spent quality time and gave me advice, but I was always second to Jen.”
“As I got older, I did anything I could to leave the house.”
“I got my first job when I was 12.”
“I vacationed with friends instead of family.”
“I played three different sports and did band.”
“I took my driver’s test the DAY I turned 16 and bought a car the day after.”
“I went to college on the other side of the country.”
“Now that I make good money, I do things I missed as a child.”
“I take fancy vacations and throw elaborate parties as I please.”
“My wedding was no exception.”
“My fiancée ‘Kip’ and I wanted everything to be perfect.”
“We thought it would be fun to have a color scheme.”
“My favorite color is yellow, and his is blue, so my guests would wear yellow, his would wear blue, and mutual friends would wear green.”
“I picked out a dress with green embroidered details, and he picked a boutonniere with green flowers.”
“When Jen found out about this, she was mad.”
“I didn’t know this, but she hates yellow and it ‘washes her out’.”
“She told me under no circumstances would she wear yellow.”
“I shrugged and said that was fine–I would just kick her out if she did not wear yellow.”
“There was no further discussion, but on my wedding day Jen came in a purple dress.”
“I told her to leave immediately.”
“The color scheme was perfect and she ruined it.”
“Jen refused to leave until I threatened to call security.”
“The rest of the wedding went smoothly, but afterward, my parents were furious with me for kicking Jen out.”
“I told them that I warned her she would be kicked out if she didn’t follow the color scheme, but they said they all thought it was a joke.”
“They said it was cruel of me to kick my sister out over something so trivial.”
“I told them this was MY wedding that I threw without their support, so I can kick out whoever I want to.”
“Kip came rushing to defend me and even told my parents they should be ashamed of how they treated me, but over the past few days, a lot of people I’ve talked to–grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, have been mixed.”
“Some say they wouldn’t have even invited Jen if they were me, while others think I should have let it slide.”
“I figured people would assume this, but I did NOT ask my guests to dress head to toe in their assigned color.”
“I completely understand that people might not have yellow formalwear laying around.”
“I said to dress in only neutral colors and/or your assigned color, so someone could wear a black dress and yellow jewelry, a black suit and a yellow tie, etc, but no colors outside neutral or your assigned color.”
“I invited Jen because she is family, and I honestly thought she was more mature than this.”
“I did not know she hated the color yellow when I chose the color scheme.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for kicking Jen out of her wedding for wearing a purple dress.
While some thought the OP could have handled things with a bit more diplomacy, most agreed that she was within her rights to kick Jen out of her wedding. Jen seemed to clearly show up in the purple dress out of spite, and the OP’s parents needed to know how neglected and overlooked the OP felt since they adopted Jen.
“NTA.”
“I have been to weddings where the bride and groom wanted a color scheme.”
“To date, I have not known anyone who had such a problem that they showed up in a different color just for spite.”
“Because make no mistake about it, that is exactly why your sister showed up in purple, pure spite.”
“If the color yellow was really the problem, she could have asked to wear blue.”
“Instead, she showed up in purple with the express intention of upstaging the bride and groom and causing a scene, knowing all the time that your parents would back her up.”
“Your parents have been sh*tty to you ever since your sister showed up.”
“Time to call them and your sister out for their obnoxious behavior and blatant favoritism.”- Stormy111161
“NTA.”
“The question here isn’t whether or not a color scheme is stupid.”
“It very well could be, but it’s also becoming the norm.”
“And frankly, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to attend the event.”
“But what you don’t get to do is say a color scheme is stupid, so I’ll make up my own rules and force the couple being married to let me in.”
“Jen was stupid here.”
“OP, you did the right thing in kicking her out.”
“Her feelings, that she can dictate the rules for your wedding aren’t any worse than you having those rules in place.”
“In short, f*ck Jen, she got what she wanted in the end.”- saintandvillian
“I’m not a fan of overly themed weddings with ‘what to wear’ instructions, but on the other hand, I have heard way worse.”
“There are eighty-billion shades of yellow and blue, so it’s no big deal.”
“And really, if anyone had a serious objection to it, they just politely could bow out of it.”
“That said, what your sister did was an obvious play at upstaging you, just like she always has done.”
“NTA.”
“Because you were standing up for yourself.”
“But, if you actually try to continue to maintain a relationship with her, be super-clear about your boundaries to her and your parents.”
“She could continue to make waves, especially now that she knows you’ll stand up to her.”- cwrightbrain
“The question was if you were the AH for kicking your sister out for not following the color scheme, not if you were the AH for having a color scheme for your wedding.”
“NTA.”
“She didn’t follow the rules, so bye-bye.”- chelsea5532
“To me, this is the same as having a themed wedding and wanting everyone to dress up with you.”
“Example: I’ve known couples to have Star Wars-themed weddings and have their guests also dress up.”
“So if someone didn’t want to follow the theme, then they shouldn’t go to the wedding.”
“So NTA in my opinion.”- Crafty_Special_7052
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, as well as sharing an update as to where things stood with her, her parents, and Jen, and also a bit more details on Jen’s upbringing:
“First, thanks for all of your comments.”
“I felt so guilty the past few days and was worried it would carry into my honeymoon, but you have helped me realize that I am not the bad guy and it is okay that I responded the way I did.”
“Last night my parents reached out to me and asked if all the things Kip said–about how they should be ashamed–were true.”
“At that point I told them how my upbringing had impacted me, and how my wedding was supposed to make up for the parties I never had as a kid, the decisions I never got to make.”
“For the first time, I was able to call all of the shots and make everything exactly the way I wanted it to be.”
“I even showed them this post and how most of you responded to help reinforce what I said.”
“My parents said they had absolutely no idea how deeply their treatment had affected me.”
“This is somewhat fair because I never really talked to them about it, but at the same time, I feel like they should have wondered why I left home as soon as I could, never came back, and hardly ever texted/called them.”
“They said they feel so sorry about it, and are now planning a vacation with them, myself, and Kip for next summer to make up for it.”
“I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but at least now it looks like they’re making an effort.”
“As for Jen, according to my parents she really struggled to make friends in middle school and high school.”
“I didn’t know this because I practically lived with my high school bf my sophomore/junior year of high school and then graduated early, and Jen repeated a year in elementary school due to trauma so we were 5 grades apart despite only being 2.5 years apart.”
“My parents tried putting her in therapy, but she wouldn’t cooperate.”
“College was a slap in the face for her when she realized the world didn’t revolve around her–she had to live in the same 7×9’ room with plaster walls and linoleum floors as everyone else.”
“She dropped out after a year and tried getting a job, but got fired after a few months.”
“At that point my parents realized they really f*cked up.”
“They told Jen she had to either go to intensive therapy or they would kick her out.”
“According to my parents, she’s now taking classes at a community college and hoping to transfer to a four year institution.”
“She’s doing better for the most part, though she occasionally lashes out.”
“I’m glad Jen is getting the help she needs and working towards a career, and excited about potentially going on a trip with my parents and husband (while also knowing they might bail).”
“I’m open to having more of a relationship with them, but I don’t think we’ll ever be a super tight knit family.”
“Some wounds are too deep.”
“But instead of dwelling on the past, I’m looking towards my future–starting a family with Kip and making sure I don’t make the same mistakes my parents did.”
It was clear that Jen needed extra love and attention, as she came from a household that was all but completely absent.
However, that love and attention didn’t need to be at the OP’s almost complete expense, nor should Jen have continued to get the same special treatment as she grew older, as doing so was bound to affect her maturity.
If it came a bit late, thankfully, lessons seemed to have been learned, and a happy, functional relationship between the OP and her family seems likely to be in the cards.