Ironic though it may seem, if you decide to throw a wedding, the wedding shouldn't necessarily be all about you.
As having a wedding means that you want to spend the day with both your nearest and dearest, as well as somewhat distant friends or family you don't have an opportunity to see as often.
That being said, a wedding is still very much a day belonging to the happy couple, who deserve to be the center of attention.
So any efforts to steal that attention away by others will likely not be appreciated.
Redditor pretty_priya1 was greatly looking forward to her wedding.
Putting a slight damper on things, however, was when the original poster (OP)'s best friend asked for a favor during the reception.
A favor the OP flatly refused, feeling it would steer the attention elsewhere on her wedding day.
Seeing that her decision clearly diminished her friend's enjoyment of her wedding, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to let my best friend's fiancé propose at my wedding?"
The OP explained why she was not at all willing to fulfill her friend's request at her wedding:
"So, I (30 F[emale]) got married last month to the love of my life, and everything went off without a hitch—except for one awkward moment."
"A week before the wedding, my best friend, "Maya" (29 F), asked if her fiancé "Jake" (28 M[ale]) could propose to her at my reception."
"Apparently, Jake thought it would be 'romantic' and was convinced that it would make their moment more special."
"Now, I love Maya, but the idea of having my wedding overshadowed by their proposal didn't sit right with me."
"I politely said no and suggested they have their own special day."
"Maya seemed a little disappointed, but she said she understood."
"On the wedding day, I noticed Maya and Jake were acting distant, and it was clear something was off."
"I later found out that Jake was upset with me for 'ruining his plan' and felt like I'd been selfish for not allowing them to share in the love of the day."
"AITA for refusing to let them have their proposal at my wedding, or was I being selfish by not letting them make it a double celebration?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow Jake to propose to Maya at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that Jake and Maya were clearly only thinking of themselves, and also clearly only wanted to have the proposal at the OP's wedding for an attention grab, agreeing that was a truly selfish and inappropriate thing to do:
"NTA."
"Your wedding day is about celebrating you and your partner, not serving as a backdrop for someone else's proposal."
"Proposals at weddings are often seen as inappropriate because they can shift the focus away from the couple being celebrated, which is exactly why you were right to say no."
"Honestly, your friend should have known better than to ask in the first place."
"It's common sense that it's rude to make someone else's wedding about you, and I don't understand why she even thought that would be okay."
"It's your day, not an open mic for other people's romantic gestures."
"You weren't selfish—you were just setting a completely reasonable boundary."
"Stand by your decision, and don't feel bad for keeping the spotlight where it belonged: on you and your partner."- anxiety_watermelon
"NTA."
"And....why is SHE asking if she can get proposed TO at your wedding."
"That means the proposal has effectively already happened and they are just putting on a play for attention."- H8MakingAccounts
"NTA."
"Were Maya and Jake also planning on paying for half the costs of the reception, caterer, DJ, decorations, etc.?"
"I mean they wanted to share in the love of the day so did that mean they wanted to also share in the costs of the day?"
"Yah, didn't think so."
"Again, NTA."- ejdjd
"NTA."
"There should be a special place in the afterlife for people who hijack others' special events (weddings, birthdays, engagement parties, funerals (!), anniversaries, etc.) to announce their own special event."
"My only exception to this rule would be if an unexpected emergency or family tragedy takes place during/just-before said event."- Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA in the slightest."
"How is a proposal she knows about and is taking part in planning gonna be special at all?"
"That sh*ts not even real at that point."
"Which feels even worse."
"Like it's almost fake?"
"You want to hijack my wedding to put on this proposal skit for my friends and family?"
"Weird, selfish and stupid."- AmITheAHAccount
"NTA."
"If SHE asked if HE could propose to her at your wedding, they were not asking for a proposal."
"they were asking you to subsidise their engagement party."
"If it is planned by the couple together, then it is no longer a 'proposal'."- PharmCath
"NTA."
"Can we normalize wedding days being about the bride and groom only?"
"No proposals, no baby announcements, no one stealing the show… it should be about the two people listed on the invitation."
"If there is one day two people should get to enjoy being solely about them, it's their wedding day."-Spiritual-Phoenix
"NTA."
"Your wedding day is about you and your partner, and it's perfectly reasonable to want the focus to be on your special moment."
"A proposal at your wedding would have taken attention away from you, which is not fair."
"You were polite in your refusal and even suggested they have their own special day for the proposal, which was thoughtful."
"Jake's reaction is the selfish one here, as he wanted to make your wedding about them."
"You did nothing wrong by standing your ground and protecting the significance of your own celebration."- p1inkcut1e
"NTA."
"Also aren't they technically already engaged when Maya already knows and apparently plans on saying yes?"- confuus-duin
"NTA."
"I just got married and it cost a great deal of time, energy, and money."
"My husband (and yours) planned proposals- Jake can plan his own too."- MiddleHuckleberry445
"NTA!"
"Your friend is lovely for telling you in advance so that the wouldn't just do it, her boyfriend though, you have to watch out for him."
"People wqho love overshadowing others special moments are very very weird."
"Keep an eye out!"- honeybabybear05
"They can pay for their own damn special event to propose at."
"And what is this deal with acting like a proposal must be done publicly to count?"
"They're both in on it, it's not a surprise, so what kind of narcissism requires an audience for it?'
"NTA of course."- RedneckDebutante
"NTA."
"It's a bit pathetic, they were already basically engaged, they just wanted a show and a free party."
"Sod that, he can pay for a romantic, fake proposal in his own time."
"That should really show her how little he cares about her, that he'd rather get it all for free than spend money on her."
"Bet her ring is fake too."- Ok_Young1709
"NTA."
"It's a shame that they're disappointed, but they asked a request, and you said no!"
"It's one of the most memorable days of your life. You're allowed to say no to requests like that."
"Maybe help your friend's fiance plan his proposal so that it's still something memorable and that they love!"- curvyglrlthrowaway
"NTA."
"I just do not understand this sh*t."
"Why in the name of little green apples would my family, and my partner's family, give four-fifths of a flying f*ck about someone they don't know getting engaged?"
"How is that special?"
"For anyone involved?"
"Share your proposals with your own damned families and stop trying to co-opt other peoples' life moments."- voxetpraetereanihill
"NTA!"
"I don't get how some people just can't see how much of an a-hole they are."
"Trying to hijack someone else's special day is nothing short of narcissistic and insensitive."-DevDevianDeviant
"NTA.'
"This is a complete farce."
"If they both know about it, they had already decided to get married, and one of them had proposed it."
"So it's a sham."
"A 'proposal' would be play-acting."
"Re your wedding, any announcement or event taking place is for you to veto."
"Your friends are very selfish and not very intelligent."- Time-Tie-231
"NTA."
"Your day."
"They'll get their day in turn."
"Your friends are clueless a**holes for their gaslighting/guilt-tripping response."- RandomAho
Some people just can't stand it when they are not the center of attention.
Seeing as Jake and Maya both wanted to perform a blatantly staged proposal, which Maya was well aware of, it's safe to assume that they are both those kinds of people.
On the flip side, the OP seems to have an eternally guilty conscience.
As she worried that she was selfish for saying no to Jake and Maya's blatantly selfish request.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.