Ironic though it may seem, if you decide to throw a wedding, the wedding shouldn't necessarily be all about you.
As having a wedding means that you want to spend the day with both your nearest and dearest, as well as somewhat distant friends or family you don't have an opportunity to see as often.
That being said, a wedding is still very much a day belonging to the happy couple, who deserve to be the center of attention.
So any efforts to steal that attention away by others will likely not be appreciated.
Redditor pretty_priya1 was greatly looking forward to her wedding.
Putting a slight damper on things, however, was when the original poster (OP)'s best friend asked for a favor during the reception.
A favor the OP flatly refused, feeling it would steer the attention elsewhere on her wedding day.
Seeing that her decision clearly diminished her friend's enjoyment of her wedding, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to let my best friend's fiancé propose at my wedding?"
The OP explained why she was not at all willing to fulfill her friend's request at her wedding:
"So, I (30 F[emale]) got married last month to the love of my life, and everything went off without a hitch—except for one awkward moment."
"A week before the wedding, my best friend, "Maya" (29 F), asked if her fiancé "Jake" (28 M[ale]) could propose to her at my reception."
"Apparently, Jake thought it would be 'romantic' and was convinced that it would make their moment more special."
"Now, I love Maya, but the idea of having my wedding overshadowed by their proposal didn't sit right with me."
"I politely said no and suggested they have their own special day."
"Maya seemed a little disappointed, but she said she understood."
"On the wedding day, I noticed Maya and Jake were acting distant, and it was clear something was off."
"I later found out that Jake was upset with me for 'ruining his plan' and felt like I'd been selfish for not allowing them to share in the love of the day."
"AITA for refusing to let them have their proposal at my wedding, or was I being selfish by not letting them make it a double celebration?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow Jake to propose to Maya at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that Jake and Maya were clearly only thinking of themselves, and also clearly only wanted to have the proposal at the OP's wedding for an attention grab, agreeing that was a truly selfish and inappropriate thing to do:
"NTA."
"Your wedding day is about celebrating you and your partner, not serving as a backdrop for someone else's proposal."
"Proposals at weddings are often seen as inappropriate because they can shift the focus away from the couple being celebrated, which is exactly why you were right to say no."
"Honestly, your friend should have known better than to ask in the first place."
"It's common sense that it's rude to make someone else's wedding about you, and I don't understand why she even thought that would be okay."
"It's your day, not an open mic for other people's romantic gestures."
"You weren't selfish—you were just setting a completely reasonable boundary."
"Stand by your decision, and don't feel bad for keeping the spotlight where it belonged: on you and your partner."- anxiety_watermelon
"NTA."
"And....why is SHE asking if she can get proposed TO at your wedding."
"That means the proposal has effectively already happened and they are just putting on a play for attention."- H8MakingAccounts
"NTA."
"Were Maya and Jake also planning on paying for half the costs of the reception, caterer, DJ, decorations, etc.?"
"I mean they wanted to share in the love of the day so did that mean they wanted to also share in the costs of the day?"
"Yah, didn't think so."
"Again, NTA."- ejdjd
"NTA."
"There should be a special place in the afterlife for people who hijack others' special events (weddings, birthdays, engagement parties, funerals (!), anniversaries, etc.) to announce their own special event."
"My only exception to this rule would be if an unexpected emergency or family tragedy takes place during/just-before said event."- Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA in the slightest."
"How is a proposal she knows about and is taking part in planning gonna be special at all?"
"That sh*ts not even real at that point."
"Which feels even worse."
"Like it's almost fake?"
"You want to hijack my wedding to put on this proposal skit for my friends and family?"
"Weird, selfish and stupid."- AmITheAHAccount
"NTA."
"If SHE asked if HE could propose to her at your wedding, they were not asking for a proposal."
"they were asking you to subsidise their engagement party."
"If it is planned by the couple together, then it is no longer a 'proposal'."- PharmCath
"NTA."
"Can we normalize wedding days being about the bride and groom only?"
"No proposals, no baby announcements, no one stealing the show… it should be about the two people listed on the invitation."
"If there is one day two people should get to enjoy being solely about them, it's their wedding day."-Spiritual-Phoenix
"NTA."
"Your wedding day is about you and your partner, and it's perfectly reasonable to want the focus to be on your special moment."
"A proposal at your wedding would have taken attention away from you, which is not fair."
"You were polite in your refusal and even suggested they have their own special day for the proposal, which was thoughtful."
"Jake's reaction is the selfish one here, as he wanted to make your wedding about them."
"You did nothing wrong by standing your ground and protecting the significance of your own celebration."- p1inkcut1e
"NTA."
"Also aren't they technically already engaged when Maya already knows and apparently plans on saying yes?"- confuus-duin
"NTA."
"I just got married and it cost a great deal of time, energy, and money."
"My husband (and yours) planned proposals- Jake can plan his own too."- MiddleHuckleberry445
"NTA!"
"Your friend is lovely for telling you in advance so that the wouldn't just do it, her boyfriend though, you have to watch out for him."
"People wqho love overshadowing others special moments are very very weird."
"Keep an eye out!"- honeybabybear05
"They can pay for their own damn special event to propose at."
"And what is this deal with acting like a proposal must be done publicly to count?"
"They're both in on it, it's not a surprise, so what kind of narcissism requires an audience for it?'
"NTA of course."- RedneckDebutante
"NTA."
"It's a bit pathetic, they were already basically engaged, they just wanted a show and a free party."
"Sod that, he can pay for a romantic, fake proposal in his own time."
"That should really show her how little he cares about her, that he'd rather get it all for free than spend money on her."
"Bet her ring is fake too."- Ok_Young1709
"NTA."
"It's a shame that they're disappointed, but they asked a request, and you said no!"
"It's one of the most memorable days of your life. You're allowed to say no to requests like that."
"Maybe help your friend's fiance plan his proposal so that it's still something memorable and that they love!"- curvyglrlthrowaway
"NTA."
"I just do not understand this sh*t."
"Why in the name of little green apples would my family, and my partner's family, give four-fifths of a flying f*ck about someone they don't know getting engaged?"
"How is that special?"
"For anyone involved?"
"Share your proposals with your own damned families and stop trying to co-opt other peoples' life moments."- voxetpraetereanihill
"NTA!"
"I don't get how some people just can't see how much of an a-hole they are."
"Trying to hijack someone else's special day is nothing short of narcissistic and insensitive."-DevDevianDeviant
"NTA.'
"This is a complete farce."
"If they both know about it, they had already decided to get married, and one of them had proposed it."
"So it's a sham."
"A 'proposal' would be play-acting."
"Re your wedding, any announcement or event taking place is for you to veto."
"Your friends are very selfish and not very intelligent."- Time-Tie-231
"NTA."
"Your day."
"They'll get their day in turn."
"Your friends are clueless a**holes for their gaslighting/guilt-tripping response."- RandomAho
Some people just can't stand it when they are not the center of attention.
Seeing as Jake and Maya both wanted to perform a blatantly staged proposal, which Maya was well aware of, it's safe to assume that they are both those kinds of people.
On the flip side, the OP seems to have an eternally guilty conscience.
As she worried that she was selfish for saying no to Jake and Maya's blatantly selfish request.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp