Weddings are expensive.
Even those who hope to have a "small wedding" still end up spending thousands of dollars when the time comes to pay for the venue, food, clothes, and everything else.
But as long as people can afford to do so, there's nothing terribly wrong with spending a sizable amount of money on one day of your life.
Redditor SeriousBanana7181 and her fiancé were both very successful professionally, and with that in mind, decided to make their wedding an occasion to remember.
Something the original poster (OP)'s best friend was initially very excited to be a part of.
Until she learned just how much the wedding was going to cost and didn't even attempt to hide her disapproval from the OP.
Wondering if she was being insensitive and extravagant, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for spending more on my wedding than my best friend's husband makes in a year?"
The OP explained why her best friend was appalled by the amount of money she was spending on her wedding.
"I (24 F[emale]) and my best friend (25 F) have been best friends since we were 2."
"Now after high school, I decided that I wanted to go and start my own business."
"So I got a degree in business management while having a small business on the side."
"After I finished my degree, my business."
"I put all of my time, effort, and savings into growing it, which ended up being a very financially rewarding decision for me, as I now own a very successful business."
"I met my fiancé (32 M[ale]) 4 years ago and we got engaged last year but decided to have a long engagement because I wanted to lose some weight, which he said I didn't need to do but was completely supportive of."
"My fiancé is an orthopedic surgeon, so we're more than well off, especially as we have no plans to have children."
"Now, after high school, my best friend was doing a degree in chemistry but dropped out after 2 years when she became pregnant."
"I was there helping her out emotionally and financially throughout the whole of her pregnancy, as she decided she didn't want to work through her pregnancy and wanted to become a SAHM, which I totally supported."
"However, her husband works a 9-5 job in an office which pays enough for them to get by but not enough to live in luxury."
"Because of this me and my fiancé try and help them out the best we can and always let them borrow money when they need it."
"We helped them with the down payment on their house."
'However, now that we've started planning our wedding properly, we've got a beautiful venue, an open bar, live music, a 3-course meal."
"I've got the perfect dress, we're paying for all of the bridesmaids' dresses and groomsmen's suits, and we've got beautiful little gift hampers for each of the guests to take home, and overall we went all out because we can only have this day once."
"Now, when I was talking to my best friend about this, who is also my maid of honor, she bought up possibly having the same venue for her wedding, which I thought was lovely but I didn't know if they would be able to afford it."
'I didn't say that though."
"So, it was extra awkward when she asked about the price, so I told her, it's around $32,000, and she went ballistic asking how much my whole wedding costs."
"I really didn't want to tell her but she ended up getting it out of me and she went crazy."
"My whole wedding amounted up to about $72,000, which then sent her on a tangent of saying we're so irresponsible spending that much money on 1 day, that her husband only earns $60,000 a year to support the three of them, and if she knew we had that much money to just throw around, she would've asked us for more when they were struggling financially earlier on this year."
"She finished by saying that I'm a horrible friend for not helping her out more and that she was outraged that we thought it was okay to spend more money on 1 day then her family gets to live off in a year."
"I don’t think I’m TA, but she’s been sending me messages about how inconsiderate I am."
"So maybe I did go overboard and spend too much.'
"So AITA?"
"This amount of money on our wedding really didn’t put that big of a dent in our bank account due to the savings we have accumulated, and if we wished, we could’ve spent a lot more which I’m pretty sure my friend is aware of and it only adds to her anger."
"We don’t live in a huge mansion or anything, just a moderately sized house in a nice neighborhood, and try not to flaunt our wealth or push it onto people.'
'We never discuss it and try to digress if the subject is bought up."
"We donate 10% of our combined earnings to various charities."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP should have no guilt for spending any amount of money on her wedding, and was in no way the a**hole.
Everyone agreed that the OP's best friend was simply jealous, with many agreeing that she was taking advantage of the OP's generosity.
"NTA."
"She's not treating you as a friend, she's treating you as her bank account."
"No one has the right to demand you spend your hard-earned money on them."
"The entitlement of this woman is through the roof."
'At what point does she believe you became responsible for bankrolling her life?"
"If I was you, I'd take a long hard look at this 'friendship', followed by a huge step back."- JustASW
"NTA."
'Wow, she is entitled.'
"Her finances are not your responsibility."
"She has chosen to be a SAHM, and to not complete college."
"These decisions have made her less financially stable, and that is completely on her."
'Frankly, it’s extremely kind of you to have helped them at all in the first place."-Special_Respond7372
'NTA."
"She made the decision to be a stay at home mom."
"You've gone beyond being a friend by financing her pregnancy."
"She's just jealous."- jhercules
"NTA."
"But please consider distancing yourself from this person."
"She seems to feel entitled to your $$$."
"You and your fiancé have worked for what you have."
"It’s super nice of you to help when you can but I suggest you stop now."
"Contributing to their down payment was a hugely kind gesture."
"Instead of being appreciative, she wants more."
"Not only that, but she doesn’t want you to enjoy the things you have worked to have."-greekadjacent
"NTA."
"You are going to get some comments about how you are an AH for spending that much, and as a tiny little socialist in my heart, I say go spend your money however you want!"
"I wouldn't spend that much on a wedding, but it is your money and your day."
"It is a once in a lifetime moment and sounds like a great party and you are picking up the costs of your wedding party as well."
"Have the best day ever!"
"And even if you didn't spend that much, why does your friend feel entitled to your money?"
'She made financial choices- she could have worked, waited to have children, etc"
"That resulted in her current economic status."
"It isn't like her house burned down or some other tragedy happened."
'This is all in her control."
"Of course, even with a tragedy you aren't obligated to help, but this is even worse because she just...expects your financial support forever?"
"I'd cut her off entirely, honestly, since clearly, she views you as a piggy bank she should have access to, and not as a true friend."
"When I was broke after finishing school, my friend had a similar wedding to what you described, and I was just...excited for her and happy to be a part of it because it wasn't my money or my business."- mfruitfly
The OP gave an update regarding her best friend's involvement with her wedding.
"I've asked my friend to step down as the maid of honor."
"I told her she is welcome to keep the dress and any other gifts we’ve given to the wedding party, but because of her reaction she is no longer a part of it."
'While I do sympathize with her situation, she’s not entitled to my financial success, nor is it my fault for her financial instability."
"I really hope I wasn’t too harsh because she really did help me a lot over the past year with emotional support when I was having family troubles with my brother and mom."
It's sad the way money can divide people, just as it seemed to divide the OP from her best friend.
Maybe her best friend will offer the OP a sincere apology with enough time that she might be part of the wedding again.
But one can't help but wonder if the OP's wedding might be a happier day without her there.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.