Okay, hear me out.
Maybe we’ve put too much power and pressure on weddings.
How is it that a dress color can threaten to tear apart the wedding party?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ReadingChemical6240 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to change the color of my sister’s bridesmaid dress, even though she hates it?”
A wedding.
“I can’t believe I’m posting about this, but I really need some insight.”
“I (23f) am getting married to my fiancé (25m) in November.”
“We’re really excited, and the day is fast approaching.”
“I have five women being my bridesmaids. One of them is my sister, Millie (21f).”
“Millie has always been more of a tomboy growing up but doesn’t have an issue with wearing dresses for formal events.”
“I want my bridesmaids to wear matching dresses, which everyone knew when they accepted. I bought and paid for the dresses.”
“They’re a relatively simple style and in a pastel pink color.”
A problem.
“Millie is now angry and saying she won’t wear the dress because it’s pink and ‘too girly.’ She’s even threatening not to attend the wedding anymore unless I return her dress and pick out another color.”
“I’m distraught that she’d make such a problem out of a dress color when she knew I wanted the bridesmaids to match.”
“I think Millie is being dramatic and could deal with wearing the dress for one day, but tbh, my feelings are really hurt that she’d threaten to drop out of the wedding over this.”
“My fiancé thinks I should kick her out of the wedding party before she causes bigger problems closer to or on the day.”
“My parents got themselves involved in this and told me to just exchange the dress for the same one in a different color and that we’re both acting like children.”
OP was left to wonder
“WIBTA if I told Millie to suck it up and wear the dress if she wants to be a bridesmaid, and not budge on the issue?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Options.
“NTA, give her two options”
“Wear the dress. It’s one day. Pink isn’t going to make her suddenly turn into Elle Woods.”
“Don’t wear the dress and come as a guest or don’t attend, her choice”
“If you give in on one thing she’s just going to keep throwing tantrums. I don’t want flowers they’re girly. Ew make up? Girly. I don’t do my hair like that, too girly.”
“Don’t let there be any more arguments, don’t listen to anyone else, other than fiancee.” ~ Disastrous_Cress_701
“Agreed.”
“There’s no reason to be confrontational about it or tell her to ‘suck it up’ or talk about ‘kicking her out’ –“
“This can be resolved calmly.”
“OP would love to have her sister in the wedding but needs her choice of color to be followed.”
“Sister has the option of opting out, drama-free, and simply attending as a guest.”
“Doesn’t need to be a big deal.” ~ Novel-Elk172
“Another alternative is the OP lets her change into something else after dinner.”
“That’s pretty common and means she can be comfortable come dancing but is still matching for the ceremony and photos.” ~ ck425
“There’s no need to kick sister out of the wedding party, and maybe be perceived as the baddie, just give the sister the choice: choose to comply and participate, or choose to sit with the regular guests.”
“No hard feelings either way, but don’t expect to take part in the festivities reserved for those actually in the wedding party.” ~ HI_Handbasket
Obligations.
“NTA”
“Don’t budge. She is being so selfish and ridiculous.”
“It’s YOUR wedding day, and she is making it about herself.”
“She seriously can’t suck it up and wear pink for one day? If she wants to make a fool of herself and back out of the wedding over something so childish and stupid, let her.”
“She’ll be the one regretting it when she looks back years from now. You just focus on enjoying her day and try not to worry about her bad attitude.”
“The way she’s acting isn’t fair to you.” ~ Deep-Manner-4111
“NTA -“
“I’d ask her to step down from the wedding party because her behavior is adding a ton of unnecessary stress.”
“Also, as a bridesmaid, it is completely expected that you WEAR THE DRESS COLOR THAT IS PICKED FOR YOU. This is like the number one criteria of being a bridesmaid.”
“And without a doubt, she’s being an insufferable brat, and your parents are enabling the behavior.”
“It’s not as if the dress is physically uncomfortable; she’s not being asked to dye her hair or cover tattoos; and she’s not being asked to wear a dress when she presents male.”
“No, she’s throwing a tantrum over a color like a toddler who wants the red sippy cup instead of the blue one. You’re about to be a full-on adult, and this is a great opportunity to assert yourself.” ~ neoncactusfields
“NTA.”
“Whether she is a tomboy is irrelevant.”
“She agreed to be a bridesmaid. This is what you chose.”
“I’d have more sympathy in the event the style was extremely low cut & it didn’t fit a busty woman or something of that nature.”
“Simply hating the color? Deal with it. It’s one day & she didn’t have to pay for it.” ~ spoiledrichwhitegirl
“Everyone knows that the bridesmaids’ primary responsibility is to wear a ridiculous and unflattering gown chosen by the bride while exclaiming how beautiful it is and arguing that it can totally be worn to other events in the future.”
“NTA. Sister is being a brat.” ~ Prudent_Plan_6451
An alternate view.
“I’m going against the grain here: YTA.”
“You had to have known she wouldn’t be remotely comfortable wearing a pastel pink bridesmaid’s dress.”
“And even if you didn’t know for sure, why wouldn’t you have checked with her or ask her to help pick the dresses out before you chose them ?”
“I actually think YTA because you should have run the dress by all of your bridesmaids since they are the ones who have to wear it, and hopefully, you care that they feel comfortable and good about themselves in the color and style.”
“But you are especially TA for doing this to your sister, who you absolutely knew wasn’t going to be ok with just any old dress.”
“At this point, just come to a compromise with your sister and let her wear something different so she doesn’t have to feel incredibly awkward all day and then be forced to see photos of herself like that for the rest of her life.”
“Don’t force her to be miserable, I’m sure that’s not the karma you want on your wedding day.” ~ GeneralAd3435
“This touches on a key point. You’ve known your sister her whole life. You really didn’t think for a second that this might be an issue?” ~ JasmineDeVine
“A slight YTA, I think.”
“Because despite knowing that your sister is a tomboy, who isn’t really that fond of wearing dresses, to begin with, and only puts up with it for formal occasions, you still seemingly went out of your way to pick out the most stereotypically feminine dress color there is.”
“If you really know your sister well and want her to feel happy and comfortable as well on your special day, you should have taken her into consideration when choosing the dress color.”
“Like, why not choose purple instead, for example?”
“Still feminine, but not as extreme as pink. And let’s be honest, pink is a really hard color to pull off and look really good in even for a more feminine woman – and even less so for a typical tomboy.” ~ Malthesse
Larger consequences.
“YTA – everyone saying the opposites arguments are either “
“1. ‘It always sucks – you’re supposed to look ugly’ or”
“2. ‘We all have felt that way, and we sucked it up, so can they”’
“But, this is a f*cked up dynamic.”
“You know this person isn’t comfortable wearing this.”
“Why not offer them a compromise? Perhaps a suit in the same color?”
“I suspect there may be some gender identity aspects at play here that may not have even fully emerged.”
“Just because someone wears a dress one day doesn’t mean they’re comfortable in all dresses.”
“I understand that it’s your day, and you get to make these choices.”
“You’ve asked your sister to stand up with you, to show her love and support. But you’re not willing to show love and support in return?”
“She had every right to back out if you care more about the dress than you do her presence in your wedding party. And you have every right to make that choice.”
“Put your relationship with your sister first and the wedding second for a moment. Get out of your corners, and stop building side alliances. Sit down together and talk options.” ~ JasmineDeVine
I’m not suggesting we do something as drastic as abandon weddings, but maybe some stress mitigation might be worth investigating.
Say yes to the vows; say no to the drama.