When your family and friends disagree, it can be difficult for some to take sides. But when you do, how do you handle the fallout from the aggrieved party?
Redditor besos_for_jongho had an issue with her cousin and her friend. When the original poster (OP)'s cousin makes fun of her friend, OP retaliates.
Now, her family is saying she shouldn't have done that, and OP is wondering if she's the bad guy for what happened. So she decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about her comments.
And the fight is as petty as you'd expect for children.
"AITA For Telling My Cousin She Isn't As Pretty As She Thinks She Is?"
But is being petty enough to discount OP's feelings?
"My(16F[emale]) cousin(17F) is very blunt. She says what she feel and i don't have a problem with it most of the time."
"I normally let her talk although i don't agree with what she says. There are somethings that my cousin would say that i would tell not to do tho."
"Whenever i would show her a picture of one of my friends she would call them ugly and my assumptions on how she thinks they act. I don't think any of my friends are ugly and the assumptions she makes are always wrong."
"Yesterday i invited her to hang out with me and my friends. She agreed."
"We hung out and talked then my cousin looks my friend dead in her eyes and says 'You're not that pretty. Now that i actually look at you'."
'That friend of mine is very insecure about her looks and i told my cousin this beforehand. My friend excused herself to the bathroom and 2 other girls followed."
"I was so angry at my cousin, she knew that my friend had insecurities and she thought it'd be okay for her to point out that she was 'ugly'. I turned to look at my cousin and i raised my voice and told her the she wasn't as pretty as she thinks she is and that my friend is way prettier."
"My cousin stood up and walked away she looked as if she wanted to cry."
"When I got home my aunt was there with my cousin on the couch. They want me to apologize.
"But i don't want to. She disrespected my friend. My whole family is mad at me and im no longer allowed at family functions until i apologize."
AITA?"
After sharing her story, some commenters made some assumptions about how the family reacted or what they knew.
So OP added a little more information to the story in a comment:
"I should add this in, my family heard all the sides of the story and say that family comes first bc we're blood."
"they say my friend overreacted, my aunt said insecurity is just a reason to cry or something like that. My sister wont go to family functions until im allowed to go back, i love her for that."
"I love her anyways cus shes my sister." - besos_for_jongho (OP)
OP insulted her cousin after the cousin insulted OP's friend. The girls are fighting and the family is now involved.
Should OP apologize or did she do the right thing?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for insulting her cousin after her cousin called her friend ugly by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP's retaliation wasn't the best response, but it also didn't make her a jerk. Her cousin was hurtful without reason and if she can't handle it being said to her, she shouldn't say it to other people.
If anyone should be apologizing, it's the cousin. OP can sit pretty knowing the internet backs her.
Most of the comments agreed with OP.
"NTA. Here's your apology,"
"'I'm sorry you use 'brutal honesty' to just be brutal. I'm sorry I ever invited you to meet my friends and I'm sorry you made my friend cry in the bathroom.'"
"'However, I'm not sorry you got a taste of the brutal side of honesty. Maybe now you'll consider what you say and who you say it to'." - coneyb11
"NTA"
"It sounds like your family has been enabling your cousin's behavior. Stick to your guns on this. Blood or not, not all family is worth holding on to and your cousin sounds like a B." - Substantial_Ad7919
"Nta. Ironic that she feels free to call others ugly but runs to her mommy when she gets the same treatment."
"I would tell her mom that you'll apologize for calling her not that pretty when she apologizes to the friend she called ugly." - HarlesBronson
"NTA. You stood up for your friend because your relative was decidedly cruel (assuming without provocation)."
"Bet the family isn't interested in your side of the story, nor your friend's. Until and unless the family hears the other 2 sides of it, you can't abide by their demand." - FeistyIrishWench
"NTA. Sure maybe you shouldn't stoop to her level, but sometimes people don't fully realise what they've done to another until they experience it themselves."
"It sounds like your cousin didn't tell the whole truth of what she said first, or your Aunt is enabling this behaviour."
"Sucks for your cousin if her inappropriate comments come from insecurity or lack of discipline, but it's not your responsibility to indulge her when she hurts you/your friends." - GraciousCriminality
"NTA."
"I don't see the problem here she talks bluntly you told her off bluntly. Your family is just enabling your cousin tbh."
"Is she a rainbow baby or something. Either way your family favors her over you best to not hangout with her in the future." - Mabusmoriah
Some of the commenters spoke about what they think OP should do and how she should interact with her family going forward. Her interactions will be a little tense in the short term, but over time, things should lighten up.
But handling irate family can be difficult.
"Don't invite her over. Don't hang out. Don't show her pictures of your friends. And learn to call ppl out immediately."
"Like as soon as she got that first sentence out you should have told her that she was being rude, unkind, and untruthful and that you don't tolerate such nonsense and she should leave."
"NTA and if your family knows that she was unspeakably rude to guests in your house and still want you to apologize? Then they are rude and wrong too and you should stop caring what they think and just tolerate them as long as you must."
"Also, what is with all these enmeshed families that are this invested in a situation btw to teens? Like, this isn'ta big deal? One cousin is a b&@$" and she got called out on it?"
"Why would any adult care unless they were going to reprimand said b word?" - Due-Macaroon-1737
"NTA- yeah, she isn't a blunt person. She's a brat. Tell your family that your cousin always wants to say stuff(and make it known exactly what she said and did) and 'be honest even if it's blunt' so you returned the favor."
"You'll no longer sugar coat things for her. It's better to be honest right? Well your cousin isn't as pretty as she think she is (especially when she shows that personality) and she deserves to know the truth."
"Cause telling the truth is always the best, right?"
"Honestly, do you even want to go to the family stuff with them there? Stick to your guns on this one. Family doesn't mean they shouldn't be held responsible for their bad behavior." - Tasty-Biscotti355
"I was meh, until you told me what she said. When I was a teen I would have been devastated by a comment like that to my face."
"Well, I was. At a summer apprenticeship, another girls told me, 'your mom was wrong. You're not pretty. Not even that cute. She was being nice.'"
"My mom had died the year before. I was 16. I'm 58 and to this day, if I feel good about how I look, I will hear those words."
"Are they true? It does not matter. She did it to test me down and make herself feel better about her appearance. It hurt. It still does, but I have to look at it in the abstract to mentally push that away."
"Uninvited hate is just someone's insecure BS pooping on people for their entertainment. NTA."
"I wish someone had said something to her, but I was in the bathroom, crying alone, right after. I wouldn't let anyone close enough, emotionally, to insult me like that, or bolster me, for a long time." - naliedel
How OP goes about repairing her relationship with her family, or if she even wants to is up for debate. But in the end, her response was justified in the wake of her cousin's insult.
Hopefully OP's friend knows that she has a great supporter in OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp