When a relationship that you thought would last forever, like a marriage, ends, there is no shame in starting over, either by casually dating or pursuing a new long-term relationship.
But both people have to want the same kind of relationship for the situation to really work, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Crazy_Bad9429 met a woman who was going through a divorce and who was interested in a casual relationship, which he was fine with.
But when she began to change her tune less than a year later and wanted to not only move in with him but also move her teen daughters in from her previous marriage, the Original Poster (OP) could see the finish line for their relationship rapidly approaching.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for wanting to break up with my girlfriend when she said she wanted to keep things casual eight months ago and now wants to move in with her kids?"
The OP thought that he was in a great, effortless relationship.
"I (34 Male) have been seeing this woman (41 Female) for the past eight months or so now."
"She was just getting out of a messy divorce and wanted something casual and fun."
"I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious either and made clear I never wanted kids because I knew she had two daughters in high school."
"We've had effortless chemistry, but we've never gotten more serious over the time of our relationship."
But then the OP's girlfriend suggested taking things to the next level.
"A few days ago, she brought up the idea of her and her kids moving into my place."
"I figured because I live on the beach, she just wanted an upgraded lifestyle, but then she brought up how the town I live in has a much better public school system than the one she's living in now."
"She's super sweet, and I've met her daughters, and they seem very nice, but I'm like, what the f**k, how do we go from a casual relationship to moving in and me becoming a stepdad overnight?"
The OP couldn't see how the relationship could continue.
"I don't see a path that involves me saying how I felt and her just accepting things as they are. I feel like if a woman wants to move in with you, you're beyond the casual stage."
"She's even joked a couple of times recently about how she knows she can't give me anything I don't already have, but she can always give me a cute baby..."
"Like I said, she's really nice, but this is just way too much all at once."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP and his girlfriend wanted very different relationships.
"Time to have a serious conversation. You two are clearly not on the same page regarding the relationship." - Impressive-Food4371
"You can't be building a treehouse while the other person's drawing blueprints for a skyscraper. Gotta sync the blueprints before someone ends up living rent-free and emotionally confused." - jacobesonex34
"Looks like they skipped the part where it stopped being casual."
"But sadly, due to experience, I'm wary of this omission. It was purposefully done to me so she could move in, have me support her and her kids, and then go sleep around because 'we were never official.' Red flags everywhere. Avoid them at all costs, OP." - serene_brutality
"She wants one thing, and you want another. Sit down like adults and discuss this."
"Have a conversation. Say no, I don't want you to move in. She can say okay, it's just an idea."
"Plus, why move high school-aged kids? NTA." - WeAreTheMisfits
"His admission is that it's casual, which to me sounds like they don't see each other very frequently. It didn't even sound like they necessarily call each other boyfriend and girlfriend."
"And for what he says, they're not even in the same area. No matter what, it's still not nearly long enough to introduce children into this, let alone have them move in with him."
"I know I waited over a year to meet my ex's daughter because I didn't want to drive this child through meeting me if this relationship wasn't going to last." - Roadgoddess
"NTA, but... Bud, it wasn't overnight. It was over eight months, and you missed all the signs." - hobofireworx
"NTA. She's joking about a baby and wants to move her family into your place?"
"I'd break up before she 'accidentally' gets pregnant."
"Because speaking as a woman... she's not joking. She's telling you your future."
"One of my old friends managed to baby trap a jackpot of jackpots, and I cannot believe this guy didn't see it coming. 18 more years. He was separated with two kids in high school. Moved the divorce along quickly, at least. 18 more years." - Dangerous_Prize_4545
"Get out before she legit baby-traps you. The comments about how she 'could give you a cute baby' are a warning. Treat them like the red flag they are."
"This situationship has run its course, and it's time to move on if you don't want something serious with her, before she 'gives' you an 18-year commitment." - Proof-Mongoose4530
"Don't do it, it is way too soon, and her moving in with kids is going to be a BIG change. She just wants to have somewhere to live for free. I would say you remove yourself from that situation and don't look back." - AROD-AR
"If you aren't seriously in love with this woman, do NOT move in with her. If she isn't the one and she moves in, it will be very difficult to move her/them out when it inevitably falls apart. Especially tragic if the children bond with you."
"She's newly divorced. She needs time to figure herself out. You're not a saviour. Don't do it, man." - chillibeana
"NTA. NO. Break it off. She doesn't want YOU; she wants your zipcode. Have you been around her kids a lot?"
"Teens are the worst time to step in for a step-parent as far as acceptance, etc. If you don't want serious and don't have kids, then don't date single parents with kids. They don't do casual well. At some point t it becomes more serious." - khampang
"Bro, if they 'move in,' you de facto become step-dad, and your living situation changes from dating to parenting. She's doing this to save rent for starters. She's also seeing you as her best option for a coparent."
"Make no mistake, you're getting a whole family. If that's what you want, cool. If not, time to move on." - milagr05o5
Others were very concerned about the OP's girlfriend's behavior for a variety of reasons.
"NTA. Quite frankly, I really worry about a woman who is newly divorced and is already at the stage where she wants to move her two minor children into the home of a man she's not in a committed long-term relationship with."
"You need to have a very frank and open discussion, and quite frankly, you probably should end the relationship at this point."
"If I were you, I would be very mindful of your birth control going forward because this sounds like she may try to baby trap you." - Roadgoddess
"Why should these two people move two teenagers, unless both daughters are being bullied? 'It's a better school district' is a pretty bad excuse to make them move away from all their friends."
"And if their friends from the old school live within reasonable driving distance, his beach house is going to end up full of teenagers on the weekends."
"Lots to consider here. NTA." - KonradWayne
"If you're truly childfree, get a vasectomy to protect yourself. Prevention is your only defence." - sikonat
"Even if she's the best girlfriend in the world, she's being a s**t parent, and that should be a huge red flag for the relationship and their future."
"I mean, those kids are barely through their parents getting divorced, and she's already eight months into introducing a new stepdad to them and moving them in already!" - Ok-Point4302
"Any woman willing to move their kids, especially GIRLS into another man's house who she isn't even in a serious relationship with is insane and will 100 percent try and trap you. Especially if you are better off than she is, she's going to try and lock you down." - mexiiweeb
"Birth control fails all the time, and she could poke holes in his condoms, lie about taking the pill, or anything else with other birth control. The only way to guarantee she doesn't baby trap him is to stop sleeping with her!"
"Dropping those 'jokes' about a cute baby, she is already planning to get pregnant if she hasn't already. Time to show her the door and never look back." - Responsible_Most_686
"NTA to both of you."
"Sounds like she likes you, and is happy. She wants her life to be easier. It's horrible being a single mom. But eight months is not enough time."
"As a step mom myself, I would warn you against becoming a stepdad. It's not a great life. It might not be great being a single mom, but that doesn't have to be your problem unless you want it to be." - Smile-Cat-Coconut
The subReddit could not fault either person for what they wanted from a relationship, but it was clear to them that the OP and his girlfriend did not want compatible things.
It was also clear to them that the OP should break up with his girlfriend before the relationship became somewhat "irreversible," especially since she was joking with him about "gifting" him a baby.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.