When a relationship that you thought would last forever, like a marriage, ends, there is no shame in starting over, either by casually dating or pursuing a new long-term relationship.
But both people have to want the same kind of relationship for the situation to really work, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Crazy_Bad9429 met a woman who was going through a divorce and who was interested in a casual relationship, which he was fine with.
But when she began to change her tune less than a year later and wanted to not only move in with him but also move her teen daughters in from her previous marriage, the Original Poster (OP) could see the finish line for their relationship rapidly approaching.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for wanting to break up with my girlfriend when she said she wanted to keep things casual eight months ago and now wants to move in with her kids?”
The OP thought that he was in a great, effortless relationship.
“I (34 Male) have been seeing this woman (41 Female) for the past eight months or so now.”
“She was just getting out of a messy divorce and wanted something casual and fun.”
“I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious either and made clear I never wanted kids because I knew she had two daughters in high school.”
“We’ve had effortless chemistry, but we’ve never gotten more serious over the time of our relationship.”
But then the OP’s girlfriend suggested taking things to the next level.
“A few days ago, she brought up the idea of her and her kids moving into my place.”
“I figured because I live on the beach, she just wanted an upgraded lifestyle, but then she brought up how the town I live in has a much better public school system than the one she’s living in now.”
“She’s super sweet, and I’ve met her daughters, and they seem very nice, but I’m like, what the f**k, how do we go from a casual relationship to moving in and me becoming a stepdad overnight?”
The OP couldn’t see how the relationship could continue.
“I don’t see a path that involves me saying how I felt and her just accepting things as they are. I feel like if a woman wants to move in with you, you’re beyond the casual stage.”
“She’s even joked a couple of times recently about how she knows she can’t give me anything I don’t already have, but she can always give me a cute baby…”
“Like I said, she’s really nice, but this is just way too much all at once.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP and his girlfriend wanted very different relationships.
“Time to have a serious conversation. You two are clearly not on the same page regarding the relationship.” – Impressive-Food4371
“You can’t be building a treehouse while the other person’s drawing blueprints for a skyscraper. Gotta sync the blueprints before someone ends up living rent-free and emotionally confused.” – jacobesonex34
“Looks like they skipped the part where it stopped being casual.”
“But sadly, due to experience, I’m wary of this omission. It was purposefully done to me so she could move in, have me support her and her kids, and then go sleep around because ‘we were never official.’ Red flags everywhere. Avoid them at all costs, OP.” – serene_brutality
“She wants one thing, and you want another. Sit down like adults and discuss this.”
“Have a conversation. Say no, I don’t want you to move in. She can say okay, it’s just an idea.”
“Plus, why move high school-aged kids? NTA.” – WeAreTheMisfits
“His admission is that it’s casual, which to me sounds like they don’t see each other very frequently. It didn’t even sound like they necessarily call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“And for what he says, they’re not even in the same area. No matter what, it’s still not nearly long enough to introduce children into this, let alone have them move in with him.”
“I know I waited over a year to meet my ex’s daughter because I didn’t want to drive this child through meeting me if this relationship wasn’t going to last.” – Roadgoddess
“NTA, but… Bud, it wasn’t overnight. It was over eight months, and you missed all the signs.” – hobofireworx
“NTA. She’s joking about a baby and wants to move her family into your place?”
“I’d break up before she ‘accidentally’ gets pregnant.”
“Because speaking as a woman… she’s not joking. She’s telling you your future.”
“One of my old friends managed to baby trap a jackpot of jackpots, and I cannot believe this guy didn’t see it coming. 18 more years. He was separated with two kids in high school. Moved the divorce along quickly, at least. 18 more years.” – Dangerous_Prize_4545
“Get out before she legit baby-traps you. The comments about how she ‘could give you a cute baby’ are a warning. Treat them like the red flag they are.”
“This situationship has run its course, and it’s time to move on if you don’t want something serious with her, before she ‘gives’ you an 18-year commitment.” – Proof-Mongoose4530
“Don’t do it, it is way too soon, and her moving in with kids is going to be a BIG change. She just wants to have somewhere to live for free. I would say you remove yourself from that situation and don’t look back.” – AROD-AR
“If you aren’t seriously in love with this woman, do NOT move in with her. If she isn’t the one and she moves in, it will be very difficult to move her/them out when it inevitably falls apart. Especially tragic if the children bond with you.”
“She’s newly divorced. She needs time to figure herself out. You’re not a saviour. Don’t do it, man.” – chillibeana
“NTA. NO. Break it off. She doesn’t want YOU; she wants your zipcode. Have you been around her kids a lot?”
“Teens are the worst time to step in for a step-parent as far as acceptance, etc. If you don’t want serious and don’t have kids, then don’t date single parents with kids. They don’t do casual well. At some point t it becomes more serious.” – khampang
“Bro, if they ‘move in,’ you de facto become step-dad, and your living situation changes from dating to parenting. She’s doing this to save rent for starters. She’s also seeing you as her best option for a coparent.”
“Make no mistake, you’re getting a whole family. If that’s what you want, cool. If not, time to move on.” – milagr05o5
Others were very concerned about the OP’s girlfriend’s behavior for a variety of reasons.
“NTA. Quite frankly, I really worry about a woman who is newly divorced and is already at the stage where she wants to move her two minor children into the home of a man she’s not in a committed long-term relationship with.”
“You need to have a very frank and open discussion, and quite frankly, you probably should end the relationship at this point.”
“If I were you, I would be very mindful of your birth control going forward because this sounds like she may try to baby trap you.” – Roadgoddess
“Why should these two people move two teenagers, unless both daughters are being bullied? ‘It’s a better school district’ is a pretty bad excuse to make them move away from all their friends.”
“And if their friends from the old school live within reasonable driving distance, his beach house is going to end up full of teenagers on the weekends.”
“Lots to consider here. NTA.” – KonradWayne
“If you’re truly childfree, get a vasectomy to protect yourself. Prevention is your only defence.” – sikonat
“Even if she’s the best girlfriend in the world, she’s being a s**t parent, and that should be a huge red flag for the relationship and their future.”
“I mean, those kids are barely through their parents getting divorced, and she’s already eight months into introducing a new stepdad to them and moving them in already!” – Ok-Point4302
“Any woman willing to move their kids, especially GIRLS into another man’s house who she isn’t even in a serious relationship with is insane and will 100 percent try and trap you. Especially if you are better off than she is, she’s going to try and lock you down.” – mexiiweeb
“Birth control fails all the time, and she could poke holes in his condoms, lie about taking the pill, or anything else with other birth control. The only way to guarantee she doesn’t baby trap him is to stop sleeping with her!”
“Dropping those ‘jokes’ about a cute baby, she is already planning to get pregnant if she hasn’t already. Time to show her the door and never look back.” – Responsible_Most_686
“NTA to both of you.”
“Sounds like she likes you, and is happy. She wants her life to be easier. It’s horrible being a single mom. But eight months is not enough time.”
“As a step mom myself, I would warn you against becoming a stepdad. It’s not a great life. It might not be great being a single mom, but that doesn’t have to be your problem unless you want it to be.” – Smile-Cat-Coconut
The subReddit could not fault either person for what they wanted from a relationship, but it was clear to them that the OP and his girlfriend did not want compatible things.
It was also clear to them that the OP should break up with his girlfriend before the relationship became somewhat “irreversible,” especially since she was joking with him about “gifting” him a baby.