There are certain events we can’t afford to miss.
But when there’s more than one important event happening around the same time, our judgment can become clouded.
One guy realized the consequences of choosing between two important events on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
In fact, Redditor Possiblethrowaway81 was the one to put the consequences in place.
But when her husband blamed her for taking things away from him, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too strict.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my husband I’ll use my maiden name for our baby if he misses the birth?”
The OP had a medical plan with her doctors.
“I am 37 weeks pregnant. Due to several health complications during my pregnancy, I’ve been told multiple times, by multiple doctors, that I might have to give birth next week as supposed to two weeks from now.”
“They say that I may actually go into labor this weekend or anytime leading up to it.”
“Due to these same health complications, I’m having a c-section (Caesarean section) and my doctors do not want me laboring.”
“So should I go into labor, they are most likely pushing me through as an emergency c-section.”
Despite this, the OP’s husband wanted to keep his other plans.
“My husband knows all of this. However, he is holding on to the 2% chance they gave him that the baby could last the two weeks, [making me full-term].”
“His sister is also pregnant (4 weeks behind me) and her baby shower is this weekend.”
“It will be over an hour away and that’s without traffic.”
“Weeks ago, I declined for both of us because it didn’t seem like a good idea.”
“Well, despite having a long conversation, the shower (2 days away) has come up again.”
The OP and her husband argued about it.
“It turned into a fight as there are multiple reasons that, should I go into labor, it’s just a bad situation for him to be that far away.”
“But my husband wants to go and support his sister and see his family. And he says I’m keeping him on a short leash for something that probably isn’t going to happen.”
“I told him maybe he’s right and nothing happens but said should he CHOOSE to go and CHOOSE to take that risk, that should I go into labor, he would most likely miss the birth or be extremely late.”
“I said if he makes that choice, then I would give the baby my last name (my maiden name) vs his family name.”
The OP’s husband was furious with her.
“My husband said I was an AH for keeping him hostage and I’m always planning for the worse case scenario, and that my thoughts are going to trigger labor more than anything.”
“I said if he chooses to not be a part of this (should I go into labor), why should the baby bear his name when he would fail on his duty as a father?”
“He has been silent and moody since, only talking when absolutely necessary and saying that I’m trying to take everything from him.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some stressed how serious the c-section could be.
“NTA. I have had several emergency c-sections. Lemme state this loud and clear for everyone not understanding it:”
“OP WON’T GET TO ACTIVE LABOR. IT WON’T BE TWELVE-PLUS HOURS. THE MINUTE SHE SHOWS ANY SIGN OF LABOR, THEY WILL IMMEDIATELY GO INTO SURGERY.”
“An hour will not be enough time to get to the hospital, get scrubbed in, and be there for delivery. In fact, dad will be the lowest rung on the ladder and if he’s not there when mama is wheeled in, he won’t be taken in.”
“This is not a simple birth, this is a major operation, with risks to mother and child. There’s no time for waiting for dad. There’s no allowance for him being late. They will not care about him.”
“So yes, he’s 100% TA if he goes an hour away from the OP and a child that will arrive at literally any time.” – Silent_nyix94
“The fact that he is unbothered by the fact that she would have to go through any part of that process ALONE is terrible.” – Benevolent_Snark
“Dude sounds like he is in straight denial about how precarious his wife’s situation is. Even if everything goes perfectly, a C-section is major surgery.”
“And OP needs someone by her side that she can trust to advocate for her while she’s too incapacitated to speak for herself. And his failure to be that person for her will put a lasting dent in their marriage.”
“He either doesn’t understand how important this is or doesn’t care.” – DiTrastevere
Others agreed and said the husband needed to check his priorities.
“This guy treats this like OPs holding him hostage when in fact she only wants him to be there for the birth of their child!”
“And for what? A baby shower?”
“That would be the last thing on my mind in that kind of situation.”
“NTA” – Shiny_Agumon
“He understands. He doesn’t care. And if she goes into labor/has the c-section within the week, he’s already made it clear he’s going to blame her for it (‘my thoughts are going to trigger labor more than anything’).”
“I hope OP is prepared to parent this child by herself because this guy is clearly not up to or interested in the task. He just wants offspring to hang his name on, by the sound of it.” – Ukulele__Lady
“I hate when people overlook that missing birth isn’t just ‘not seeing your kid enter the world.’ No, you’re partner is going through a massive, painful, terrifying medical procedure and needs your support. That is the #1 reason you are there.” – fliffers
“If he has to be forced or bribed to take care of his wife and child during a risky procedure instead of party with his sister speaks volumes. Even if he stays you know he doesn’t wanna be there, don’t be his 2nd choice.” – Discombobulatedslug
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I had a long doctor’s appointment. My husband will not be going to the shower as not only has it been confirmed I HAVE to deliver next week, but I have also been put on bed rest. So that made the decision for him.”
“He did apologize. We had to have a long conversation.”
“His mother was pressuring a ton of this and guilt-tripping him, primarily about coming down to the shower to see his grandma, who is very old and it’s constantly a question as to how long she has.”
“But we had a long conversation to which it became clear we need to be LC (low-contact) with MIL (mother-in-law) for the time being. She has been starting other drama lately and this was my breaking point.”
Though the OP thought she might be wrong for asking her husband to be there for her during a complicated surgery, the subReddit firmly stated she wasn’t. Not only could it be dangerous for her and for her baby, but she deserved to have someone by her side who would support her.
The husband could find another way to celebrate his sister’s pregnancy beyond the baby shower.