There's a saying about choosing between two awful options, the lesser of two evils, but what about the opposite?
What if your options are your dream concert and your dream destination?
A woman facing just such a dilemma turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Forward_Frame_3354 asked:
"AITAH for telling my husband I won't go on vacation with him and my in-laws, but go to a concert instead?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (31, female) booked a concert ticket last month to see my favorite artist. The concert is in August and I have been saving up and looking forward to it for a long time."
"My husband doesn't really like this artist and I initially planned to buy two tickets for us, but he refused my offer and said he's not interested to go to that concert. I decided to go alone and booked a VIP ticket for myself."
"Yesterday, my husband told me that my mother-in-law has planned and booked an expensive family vacation for us for one week. I was happy when I heard we'd be going on a family vacation, but then he told me the date and they overlap directly with the concert."
"I told him that I'd rather stay behind to go to the concert instead of going on the vacation."
"My husband was upset and said that he thought I'd put family first instead of prioritizing the concert."
"So AITAH for choosing the concert?"
"I'm genuinely wondering if I'm being selfish here. What would you have done if you were in my shoes?"
The OP later added:
"I'm seeing a recurring question that I would like to address. Apparently my mother in law planned it as a surprise for us especially me. The place she booked is my dream destination."
"My husband told her about it this week and her immediate reaction was to book it and surprise us. She asked my husband beforehand which week we'd both be free this year and he told her."
"When I asked him why he didn't tell her about the concert, he told me that he didn't think she would actually book it , so he was surprised as well when she sent him the booking confirmation. And since she has already booked it, he can't tell her to cancel."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to stick to her original plans (NTA).
"NTA, since you already had the concert booked and apparently weren't asked about what week you could go on vacation. If he had said 'mom wants to take us on a vacation but the only avaliable time is x week, would you come?' that would be a different story." ~ Sparklingwine23
"110% agree with this. And if I was in the same position I would go see the artist I want. And take the house to myself time to blast their music."
"Order your favorite take out. Watch your favorite shows. Read a book in peace. Share chips with your dog."
"Heck even dance naked around the house if you want."
"You had your plans set way ahead of theirs."
"And your partner should have had the balls to stand up to mommy and say that you have something important to you, book for another time." ~ ElectricalGoal248
"Yeah..... You've got a lot of faith in a man who's behavior suggests he's not deserving of it."
"Your husband just happened to mention your "dream destination" to his mom? And she just happened to immediately decide to impulsively book an expensive trip without any discussion about your availability? And she just happened to pick the EXACT week of the concert you're excited about that your husband didn't want to go to?"
"That's a whole lot of coincidences. The most likely scenario here is:"
- "He turned down your offer to buy him a ticket expecting that you just wouldn't go."
- "He was annoyed/pissed that you were going to go without him and needed a way to ruin your happiness."
- "He went to his mom with the suggestion of going on vacation and deliberately planned it for that date to try and force you to cancel your plans."
"And here's your proof... 'My husband was upset and said that he thought I'd put family time first instead of prioritizing the concert."
"He planned this because he doesn't want you to go to the concert. Go to the concert. Life is too short to waste it catering to fragile egos like his." ~ QualityParticular739
"Your husband should've told his mom the day you were going to the concert. Sounds like he was intentionally trying to sabotage your concert plans because he personally doesn't like the music act. Pretty big a**hole move from him." ~ StupidAName420
"Why would your in-laws book an expensive family vacation without checking if the date is good for everyone? They should have asked you, not just your husband." ~ Curious_Eggplant6296
"You know your husband orchestrated this, right?" ~ kmflushing
"Call me cynical, but I'd bet hubby specifically gave your concert date to his mom saying you were both free." ~ Worldly-Grade5439
"He absolutely did."
"He gave her the dates. 'When I asked him why he didn't tell her about the concert, he told me that he didn't think she would actually book it'."
"But why give her that date at all when he knew she had the concert? Because he doesn't want her to go and enjoy herself without him."
"If I was OP, I'd go direct to his mother, tell her what happened and that you can't cancel on going to the concert, see if she can move the date of the holiday. If they act quickly enough it might be possible." ~ Local_Gazelle538
"Yeah it's so giving 'she mustn't enjoy things without me' vibes." ~ MargotSoda
"I am thinking it is 'if it is something I don't enjoy, then no one should enjoy it'."
"Someone at my work is like that. They have had food samples from a customer sitting in the office for months because he won't eat it. Every time someone suggests splitting it up and everyone taking some home to enjoy it, he throws a little fit and says no, but doesn't have a good reason on why. We have all given up on it and expect it to sit there for years until it goes bad and needs to be thrown away."
"Either that or this artist's tickets resell for boatloads and he sees it as a double win. Mommy pays for a vacation and he can pocket a bunch of money from selling wife's tickets." ~ NotMe739
"Almost woke up my husband yelling at my phone, 'it's a mf set up!! He doesn't want her to go enjoy a concert without him.' Damn straight he set this up."
"I bet mother-in-law didn't even ask about anything. I bet he hinted to his mom that he wanted to take her but money and all and 'wouldn't it be nice to surprise her? She deserves this so much and I want to take her someplace memorable!'."
"And that whole 'I didn't think she'd book it!' He asked her to, so of course she did."
"MILs don't just plan a surprise trip for a couple without one of them being involved in picking dates. And how did she know HE was off, and why was he off?"
"Curiouser and curiouser. He definitely did this on purpose. Go to the concert OP, do NOT reward backhanded sneakiness, and thats what this is. A plan to sabotage your solo concert." ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
The OP offered an update of sorts:
"I've read through all the comments and wanted to address and clarify a few points that keep coming up."
"The artist is BTS, and quite a few people have asked whether I could sell my ticket and attend a different show in another city instead. Unfortunately, the entire tour is sold out, and there are no VIP tickets available for any other dates."
"If I were to cancel now, I would have to downgrade significantly to whatever seats might still be left, which isn't really an option for me."
"Several people also asked if I could join the family later, after the concert. The answer is it's both possible and impossible at the same time."
"The family trip is to South Africa for a safari. Last year I came across a luxury safari lodge online and casually mentioned to my husband how amazing it would be to experience something like that one day."
"It's far beyond our usual vacation budget, so I never imagined it would actually happen. It turns out my husband saved this info and noted down the information and when the opportunity came up, he made it a reality."
"My mother-in-law has already paid for the entire accommodation, and it's non-refundable. Even if I tried to join later, the safari would already be halfway through. The logistics of catching up including extra flights, transfers, and potentially separate arrangements would be extremely complicated and prohibitively expensive."
"Thank you all for the suggestions and for caring enough to offer ideas. I really appreciate it."
Whether it was a setup to sabotage OP's concert plans or not, she has the right to choose her previous arrangements.
If her husband wanted her to go, he could have picked different dates for the family vacation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp