Weddings are such a stressful time.
Well they can be, for the bride and groom.
They're supposed to be all fun for the guests.
But when guests make an extra fuss about seating and attire, it can take a lot of the joy out of it.
Case in point...
Redditor zombiebouqets wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA disinviting my fiancé's aunt and uncle from our wedding unless they agree to honor our wedding's color scheme?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé Jeremy and I are having a Creature Feature themed wedding."
"In order to save money we're having it before October, instead of around Halloween."
"We sent out our invitations a couple weeks ago and have started to hear back from people."
"Its seriously being a headache because every other person has some kind of gripe about our wedding."
"No children under 15."
"There's no ring bearer or flower girls or junior bridesmaids- relatives in either family thinks their kid should have that honor."
"Love my nieces, nephews, and little cousins but main reason for this is the Creature Feature aspect."
"Lots of zombie, vampires, werewolf, etc stuff."
"Like instead of my father walking me down the aisle to the podium, we're going to be chased by zombified wedding party to the podium."
"Obviously with monsters we're going for a dark and dreary look."
"We've given guests the choices of coming in costume or minimum of smart casual attire."
"To keep with the dark and dreary aesthetic, we've asked our wedding party and guests to please wear one of the following colors or any combination: Black, blue, red, silver, gray, dark purple, and white accents are allowed."
"Jeremy's aunt called asking if we were serious about the color requirement."
"We told her yes."
"His aunt and uncle insist they're already compromising enough by making their youngest kid miss out on an important family event."
"She said they weren't going to further make a mockery of weddings by dressing all gloomy because weddings should be a festive occasion"
"So she'll be wearing one of her favorite pink dresses and her husband in a yellow shirt."
"We told them we'd discuss it."
"We did, and figured stick to our colors."
"We called them back and told them if they feel that strongly about it, it'd probably be best if they didn't attend."
"Because we don't want to force them to wear colors they don't like, or attend a wedding they don't vibe with."
"If they change their minds, let us know before the RSVP date."
"Some of Jeremy's family and our wedding party are telling us now we should just let them wear what they want ."
"Since we're already making it hard and unconventional by banning young kids and having things like zombie chases, Halloween games, etc."
"I think we're already being pretty generous and relaxed with our guests and wedding party in how they dress."
"I want our families to have fun with us."
"Are we being AHS?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. If they are this upset over clothing colors imagine what will set them off at the wedding."
"This is a day for your partner; celebrate how you want." ~ This-Is-Heath
"Right, and most people own some sort of dressy looking black clothing."
"It isn't hard to find a basic black dress or black slacks and a dress shirt."
"You can probably buy them at Walmart for under $30." ~ tinypurplepiggy
"Exactly. I was invited to and attended a wedding where on the invite if stated for the people invited to wear all black."
"She wanted everyone except herself to be wearing black. It looked amazing."
"The only spot of color at that wedding was a wrap one of the aunt's had over her purse."
"It was blue."
"If everyone at OP's wedding wears the colors like she would like and someone shows up in a different color, they're gonna stand out like sore thumbs." ~ AluminumCansAndYarn
"NTA. I got married on Halloween."
"The wedding was Resident Evil themed."
"Every guest was encouraged to wear a costume and, if they didn't, they got a lab coat with and Umbrella Corp logo ironed on by me."
"And everyone we invited (adults only) was fine with it or they didn't bother showing up."
"My F[ather] I[n] L[aw] did at one point say that it didn't seem like we were taking our marriage seriously."
"And I had to ask him how his two serious church weddings and two marriages and two divorces worked out."
"He shut up about it after that."
"It's your party. Do it how you want it done." ~ annarchy8
"Guest are welcome to not participate in your craziness."
"Perhaps OP should tell aunt and uncle a bouncer will dump a bucket of blood on anyone who doesn't match the color scheme."
"And follow through on it. NTA." ~ Dennis_Ogre
"Honestly, NTA!"
"I HATE how people make weddings about themselves and not the 2 actually tying the knot."
"Weddings can be designed and celebrated however you want."
"There are no rules in place to how they should be."
"I wouldn't want kids at mine either."
"And if anything you're doing her a favor as she will make a mockery of herself by not matching the theme."
"It will be your happy day so do what will make you happy and try not to let other make you feels bad."
"Your wedding sounds hella dope btw!"
"Let me take her invitation instead. Congrats!!" ~ nofacespace
"NTA, and all the people saying you are are fucking weird."
"It's a concept wedding, all you're asking for is a dress code and no kids."
"Something MANY weddings have nowadays."
"Plus, the colors you gave are pretty easy to come by in formal wear, and have range."
"You're telling me aunt and uncle don't own any formal black clothes???"
"Pretty much everyone I know has at least something formal in black."
"If you were asking for your guests to only wear a specific shade of chartreuse I'd understand these votes, but as it stands?"
"Completely reasonable request." ~ mind_your_s
"I was all set to say that people needed to stop with the mandatory color schemes for weddings but this one is actually pretty reasonable."
"And they are not even requiring formal wear so Aunt and Uncle could just go buy a black shirt and black pants at Walmart and be fine."
"This theme is no different than the ridiculous Disney weddings or a destination wedding that no one can afford."
"I'm not even into zombies and I would rather go to this wedding!" ~ Miserable_Emu5191
"NTA. I've for 4 black dresses in various styles!"
"I don't agree with the criticism you are getting but I do understand where it's coming from."
"Weddings are a fun party for some and a religious sacrament for others."
"If you are used to the latter any theme is confusing."
"It's your day though, so you do you and enjoy it. Your way."
"If your relatives are not going to enjoy themselves they can RSVP as 'no' and send their regrets." ~ This_Cauliflower1986
"OP is even more low key because it seems like if the aunt and uncle don't have dark formal."
"They could just as easily come in dark clothes of any kind- even torn and dirty looking to fit the theme."
"Never understood why some people get butt hurt about other people's weddings."
"Like if you hate your kids can't go- send a gift and don't attend."
"Don't like the location? Send a gift and wish them the best."
"Don't want to go? Send a gift and thanks for the invite. NTA." ~ 750more
"NTA. Come on man, you're telling me that asking to wear black, white, or gray (or red or silver or purple) in any combination of your choosing is too much a dress code requirement?"
"Get the f**k outta here, y'all being super disingenuous!"
"Besides, the issue here isn't that their aunt doesn't own anything in these extremely common and basic colors."
"It's that the aunt freakin' refuses to wear these extremely common and basic colors and insists upon showing up looking like an Easter basket!" ~ TheBoozyNinja87
OP dropped a few extra deets...
"ETA: 'Smart casual' is a compromise we made for Jeremy's family."
"They didn't like the idea of people showing up to a wedding in casual attire because it wasn't proper."
"I'm already compromising with my family by wearing a gown."
"Compromises on our part have been made already."
"If someone just doesn't have the colors or can't afford something new- fine, let us know and we can work something out!"
"Help get something or offer something to put on during the ceremony part."
"If it was that kind of situation with his aunt, she wouldn't have been disinvited."
"It was the telling us we're making a mockery of weddings with it that did her in."
Well OP, it's your day.
Y'all do y'all.
So says Reddit.
Aunt and Uncle had their day.
Enjoy yourself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp