Moving on after a relationship falls apart can be a tough challenge when kids are involved.
One father claimed he tried his best to financially support his daughter from a previous relationship, but when he realized he was being taken advantage of, he found himself struggling to make a tough decision.
Redditor Display_Turbulent took to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not wanting to meet my granddaughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) began his post with some backstory.
“I had my daughter when I was very young and things didn’t work out with her mother.”
“I had visitation rights and that was pretty much it as I was dragged through the court system by her mother and bled dry.”
“I made sure to pay child support and even though I had evidence that none of it was ever used properly (social media posts and my daughter always needing things) I didn’t contest anything. Whenever my daughter contacted me for something I helped her out.”
“As she grew up however I saw her slowly turn into her mother.”
“Her demands for money became more desperate and every month she was in some sort of financial trouble.”
“Things didn’t improve when she turned 18. I offered to pay for her university but in turned out she never even got accepted and had faked everything to get money off me.”
As the OP moved on to the next chapter in his life, he continued to help support his daughter albeit with some modifications.
“During this time I got married and had 2 children, but I still tried to support my daughter. I learnt my lesson and stopped giving her money directly and offered to pay for things directly, she wasn’t happy with this.”
“She’d cut off contact with me every time I refused to give her money only to pop up after a few months for a new request for money.”
“The breaking point came when she was pregnant and needed a guarantor to rent a place for her, her partner and the new baby.”
“I happily accepted and helped with the first few month’s rent. This turned into the landlord contacting me every month as they hadn’t paid any rent.”
“My granddaughter was born and I wasn’t allowed to see her, when I turned up to the flat unannounced she called the police on me.”
It was time for the OP to make a very difficult decision.
“In the end I realised I was just seen as cash machine and decided to sever ties and not hurt myself anymore.”
“I sent her an e-mail and a letter to know that I was done, that I’d pay the rent for another 6 months and that would be it. I also forwarded her resources from the local council so that she’d be able to get a council flat.”
“6 months went by with no contact, I was then contacted by the landlord as they’d trashed the flat before leaving causing me to pay for the repairs.”
“From the very little contact I have with her mother I know she managed to secure a council house and isn’t homeless. Since then she’s contacted me for money and I’ve ignored it.”
“Now however she’s using my granddaughter as leverage. ‘I need money, your granddaughter needs money’ ‘if you ever want to see her you need to give me money.’ My granddaughter is 18 months old and I have never seen her.
“My heart hurts too much and I can’t keep being used like this. Her mother already has enough terrible things to say about me, but now my wife is saying I’m punishing the child for nothing.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors pointed out that the daughter leveraging her child was a manipulative tactic to continue receiving financial aid.
“NTA. She’s grown into her mother and so the cycle continues.”
“Your daughter needs to get a job and stop using her child as a meal ticket/bargaining tool. It’s cruel.” – andwhiskersonkittens
Despite paying for over 6 months for the daughter and granddaughter, OP hasn’t been able to see her? It’s emotional manipulation, the daughter is only after the money. NTA.” – Caribooteh
“NTA. If she is an adult and you don’t have a good relationship, you don’t need to be tied to her anymore.”
“If she only sees you as money and not as an actual person, then it’s probably better you don’t really connect anymore. The only case I would see you being TA is if she was homeless, but you said she isn’t so… NTA.” – t-abb-y
“NTA. She’s an adult now, and you can’t excuse her obviously parasitic behavior. I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve gone through.” – Snoo-43350
This Redditor warned that the OP rescuing her at her every whim would only “enable her entitled lifestyle.”
They also expressed concerns about her child’s well-being.
“NTA. Even if she ended up homeless, you would still be NTA. She’s an adult, who is living with another adult.”
“They alone made the decision to start a family. You have zero responsibility for the consequences of the decisions they’ve made.”
“She is manipulating and using you in the cruelest of ways. She doesn’t care about you and will not go out of her way to foster a healthy relationship with you, or to allow one between you and your granddaughter.”
“Continuing to support her by sending money will only further enable her entitled lifestyle. I 100% fear for her child (being raised by such an entitled asshole) and understand your desire to help. I’d feel the same pull. But it would not actually lead to any good. You are definitely NTA.” – cloisterma22
This Redditor suggested the OP needs to protect himself at this point.
“You need to learn how to block people on your phone, email and social media.”
“You also need to learn to tell people that she’s an adult and while you might be her father you were not allowed that much contact while she was growing up and you are not responsible for any of her bad behavior or damages. I guarantee they trashed that place on purpose as payback for you refusing to free ride them anymore.”
“Your wife hasn’t got a clue if she says your punishing the child for nothing. Follow your wife’s advice and you will be bled dry for the next 22yrs also.”
“You’re gonna be asked to pay for everything your daughter and her deadbeat boyfriend wants claiming it’s for your grandchild, who you will never see because there will always be excuses to drag you out for more money.”
“‘She sick right now so you can see her next time.’ Cut your losses and call the cops if they show up at your house. NTA.” – WowSeriously666
A lot of Redditors were incredulous of the OP’s story and firmly believed there were missing details.
This Redditor had lots of questions.
“INFO: how in the world did you not get any custody? There can be a bias against father’s in court, but come on, we’re not talking ZERO custody of a child from a parent with no evidence of abuse. If a judge was allowed to say that how could you not contest it?”
“How often at least did you visit your child?”
“I just can’t imagine giving up on my own kid. She was raised by a mother you say she’s exactly like, and all she knows from her father is a paycheck every month. She is the product of what both of her parents provided.” – Witchifer
“Absolutely, ESH in my opinion. Her actions now make her TA, but that OP knew she wasn’t getting her needs met in the past and literally did nothing to try and get custody changed or hold the mother accountable absolutely makes him the TA too.” – de_pizan23
“Yes, he seems to have been very judgmental and his claims his ex wasn’t using the child support seems unfounded (child support probably can’t cover everything).”
“Whatever the kind of person his daughter is today, I have to wonder how her early years of life factored in to her current treatment of OP.”
“For the current situation OP is NTA but idk if we have the full story.” – Leigho7
“If this is true it is definitely not a YTA case, at the best it’s an ESH case.”
“The daughter is still an arsehole in this situation even if that’s partly due to his absence in her life, and the fact that you completely left out his daughters mother out of the equation despite the information he provided paints a biased view.”
“In no way is OP free from blame because he 100% should have tried harder to be involved in his daughters life without a shadow of a doubt. However, it’s laughable and biased to conclude that he’s the only arsehole in this situation IF the story is true.” – JUSTWATCHESANIME
When asked how much presence the OP had in his daughter’s life, he replied:
“I wasn’t involved at all, I had visitation rights and that’s it.”
“I sometimes got to take her to school if I picked her up from her mother’s, but she was never allowed to spend the night at mine.”
This skeptical Redditor articulated that both parents were equally responsible for their daughter’s behavior.
“ESH I don’t believe for a second that we are getting the full story here.”
“Even so, she’s become a monster both you and her mother created. At best you were an absent father who thinks parenting is handing out money. I’m guessing if we got her side of the story too some not so nice truths would be pointed out.”
“The truth will probably lie somewhere in the middle.” – aprilshowers2389
With Redditors being split between ESH and NTA judgments, it seems that the demand for more details in the story was necessary for Redditors to make a fair assessment.