Becoming a stepparent begins with the inherent challenge of earning the love and support of your new stepchildren.
If the adjustment is always going to be strange and take some getting used to, many stepchildren find themselves growing to love their stepparents as if they were always part of their family.
Most likely owing to the fact that their new stepparent makes no attempt to replace their mother or father.
Any stepparent that does try and take over the duties of an actual parent often finds themselves fighting a much more uphill battle to earn their stepchildren’s love.
While the children of Redditor UnderstandingFar2045 had a more than respectable relationship with their stepfather, it wasn’t a strong enough relationship in his eyes.
Namely because he wanted to feel more like a father to them, and less like a stepfather.
With this in mind, he hoped to take his stepchildren to an event that he believed would tighten their bond.
Unfortunately, his stepchildren expressed no interest in attending, and the original poster (OP) was unwilling to pressure them to go.
After being scolded by his ex-wife, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ?”
The OP explained why he felt uncomfortable pressuring his children to do something they really didn’t want to do:
“My ex (33 F[emale]) and I (32 M[ale]) share two children ages 11 and 9.”
“We broke up 8 years ago.”
“She has since married her husband (39 M[ale]) and since that point he has attempted to take on the role of second dad to my kids.”
“They do not see him in that way so far.”
“They are respectful and they listen to him as an adult in one of their homes (custody is shared so they spend an equal amount of time at both houses) but according to my ex they don’t treat their stepdad like he’s their parent or another dad.”
“This has been a source of tension for about 4 years now.”
“My ex’s husband wanted us to find a way to share father’s day even though the court order says I get father’s day and my ex gets mother’s day.”
“Her husband feels that he plays a significant enough role to get a piece of the day too.”
“I disagree.”
“My ex wanted to find a compromise but her husband hates being around me so us all being together wouldn’t work either.”
“Why does her husband hate being around me?”
“He hates seeing the kids and me together.”
“He said he feels like a nobody, like he’s an inanimate object and that he ceases to exist to the kids when I’m around.”
“My ex said he just wishes we could both be equal dads in the kids’ eyes but their love goes only to me.”
“Last year was a particularly tense few days around Father’s Day because I had a broken leg and still did something with the kids, which my ex’s husband found selfish.”
“He said even ‘damaged’ I couldn’t let him be dad for a day.”
“My ex’s husband can’t have children.”
“She has told me this in an attempt to get me to step aside more.”
“But I ignore this point.”
“The kids being respectful but not embracing their stepdad as their dad or a third parent is something that really bothers him and my ex.”
“The stepdad’s work has a father and kids BBQ taking place in a couple of weeks.”
“My ex suggested the kids should take their stepdad but they didn’t want to because it’s for father’s and their kids.”
“She said stepdad’s and grandpa’s would still have people come with them but they didn’t want to.”
“They told her it would feel weird and she asked why and they said because it’s the kind of thing they’d only do with me.”
“Once ex had finished with their talk she called me and told me I need to encourage them to take him.”
“I had no idea what she was talking about at first, she didn’t explain.”
“Then when she did and I asked her what the kids said I told her I wasn’t going to encourage it.”
“She told me her husband deserves to experience joys during parenting and not just the work.”
“I told her she was making it about her husband and not the kids.”
“I suggested they could all go if she wanted to make it comfortable for them but she said it went against the point of the BBQ and then she called me an a** for refusing.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not encouraging his children to go to a “Dad and Kids” barbecue with their stepdad.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right in believing that their children had a say in whether or not they felt comfortable in going, with many pointing out that their stepfather was trying to force their love, and seemed to want them to view him not as an additional father, but as their only father.
“NTA.”
“He needs to grow up and act like an adult.”
“The more he tries to force this wannabe dad stuff on your kids the more likely they will never look at him as a father figure.”
“He needs to back off and just enjoy time with them while they are at your exes.”- Woden2521
“NTA.”
“‘The stepdad’s work has a father and kids BBQ taking place in a couple of weeks’.”
“‘My ex suggested the kids should take their stepdad but they didn’t want to because it’s for father’s and their kids’.”
“Kids say no, conversation over.”
“‘I told her she was making it about her husband and not the kids’.”
“‘I suggested they could all go if she wanted to make it comfortable for them but she said it went against the point of the BBQ and then she called me an a8* for refusing’.”
“You’re not the one acting like an a**.”
“Your ex and her husband are another story.”
“If he can’t sire kids then they need to look into adoption or fostering and leave your kids alone before they drive them away.”- Comfortable-Sea-2454
“NTA.”
“He can’t have his own children.”
“That’s too bad.”
“It doesn’t mean that he gets to have yours.”
“There was another post a while back about a stepmother who told the kid that they wanted to be there for the kid but they accepted that they had parents and was willing to be as much as the child wanted and ended up with a loving relationship.”
“I don’t have a link but the stepmother was named Mara.”
“Unfortunately the father decided that not being a replacement mother wasn’t good enough.”- latents
“NTA.”
“The only opinion that counts is that of the children.”- Massive-Song-7486
“NTA.”
“How long do you think it will take your ex to understand that their behavior is only going to strengthen the rift?”- SufficientBasis5296
“He isn’t their father and will never be their father.”
“You are present and active in their lives.”
“The fact he cannot have children of his own has nothing to do with you although it will have had a major role in him picking your ex as his wife (I’m positive she doesn’t realize that the thing he found most appealing about her was that she had children).”
“I suspect he had the expectation that he would come in and automatically become their shiny new father.”
“He should, in fact, be grateful that your children treat him as well as they do, many step kids go out of their way to be disrespectful and rude.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me if he had the vision of adopting your children.”
“I find it concerning that your ex is trying so hard to push you and your children to see him as dad and wonder if he hasn’t implied (or downright said) that their marriage will not last if your children do not treat him as their father.”
“There seems to be a complete lack of consideration around what the children actually want and trying to go behind their backs to get your support for him to usurp your position is, frankly, farcical.”
“If he had the balls to develop a relationship with you and really try to participate in co-parenting he would get a lot further as the children would see and feel that connection between the two of you.”
“Instead, they see his jealousy and insecurity and that, if it was down to him, you would be cut off completely.”
“I would be a little concerned about what he and your ex say to your children about you (or what you allegedly said about them) – he, especially, wants to drive a wedge between you and it seems as if he has your ex’s support.”
“You should have regular debriefing sessions with your kids and, whilst I have no doubt you tell them you love them, additional affirmation is never wasted.”
“NTA.”- East_Parking8340
One can’t help but pity the husband of the OP’s ex, wanting to be a father but unable to have children.
Nor can one blame him for wanting to treat his stepchildren as his own children, and wishing they would view him more as a father and less as a stepfather.
However, if he ever wants them to love him as if he were family, he needs to accept that he is not their father, and their father is still a regular presence in their lives.
He might be surprised to discover that once he welcomes the OP as part of his life, his stepchildren will more than likely do the same with him.