Finding the right school for their child can be an extremely stressful and frustrating endeavor for parents.
Many parents will send their children to their local public school without a second thought, owing to either convenience or necessity.
Some will pay extra for their child to attend private school, some will pay more than they can afford, and others will look for ways to find a scholarship for their child.
Then there are parents who don't trust any sort of school or fear for their child's safety and well-being, choosing instead to educate them at home.
The wife of Redditor atmylimitsnow had begun developing very set ideas of how their children should be raised.
Including their education.
While the original poster (OP) was initially supportive of his wife's ideas, her plans for their education proved to be where he drew the line.
Leading him to take somewhat drastic measures.
Worried that he may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for signing my kids up for public school behind my wife's back?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to take the education of his children into his own hands:
"So, I (36 M[ale]) am a dad to 6-year-old twins, and my wife (28 F[emale]) is a stay-at-home mom who has recently gone full crunchy mom mode."
"She's all about essential oils, no processed foods, cloth diapers when they were babies, and she's absolutely against anything mainstream."
"For the longest time, I didn't mind because a lot of it is about healthy living, and I want the best for our kids."
"But things are starting to get way out of control."
"The latest issue is that my wife is dead set on homeschooling the twins."
"She's convinced that public school is 'toxic' and that our kids won't thrive in a system that's 'designed to make them little robots'."
"She even has a few friends in her crunchy mom group who homeschool their kids and she's been talking nonstop about joining their co-op."
"I've expressed my concerns about this from the beginning."
"I work full-time and I don't think she realizes how hard it's going to be to manage homeschooling two kids at the same time while giving them a proper education."
"But she won't hear it."
"Anytime I bring up public school she shuts it down immediately, saying she doesn't want the twins to get bullied or that we'll lose control of what they're learning."
"I just don't think homeschooling is realistic and I can't see how she'll keep them on any sort of consistent schedule."
"I gave her time to prove me wrong over the summer, thinking maybe she'd ease into it and have a plan."
"Instead, she's spent most of the time bouncing between different unschooling philosophies and signing them up for random activities with her crunchy mom friends."
"The kids are constantly bored, and I've seen them starting to fall behind."
"I'm not proud to admit it but I went behind her back and enrolled the twins in public school for the fall."
"I told her a few weeks before school started, and she absolutely lost it."
"She accused me of betraying her and said I was undermining her role as a mother."
"She keeps saying I don't trust her to raise our kids which isn't true."
"I just don't think she's prepared to handle homeschooling, and I don't want the twins to suffer because of it."
"She spent the whole first week of school trying to make me feel guilty by saying the twins are miserable and that I've ruined their childhoods by forcing them into the system."
"The thing is as far as I can tell the twins actually loved their first week school."
"They've made friends and like their teacher."
"But my wife keeps insisting they're just pretending to like it to make me happy."
"Now, she's talking about pulling them out mid-year and starting over with her homeschooling plan but I'm putting my foot down."
"I want the best for my kids, and I honestly think public school is the right choice for them right now."
"My wife is making me feel like I'm the bad guy for going behind her back and forcing them into something she was so against."
"Yes the twins are vaccinated."
"My wife wasn't so far in the crunchy pipeline back then."
"Her friends do sometimes make her feel bad about that."
"I looked into homeschooling and unschooling and did my research."
"I had hoped my wife had a plan which was why I gave her the summer to figure that out."
"AITA for enrolling the twins in public school without her consent? Should I have handled it differently? I'm starting to feel really guilty about what this is doing to my wife."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for enrolling his children in public school behind his wife's back.
Everyone agreed that the OP was thinking in the best interest of his children, while his wife seemed to be only thinking about her wants and needs, with many even questioning the stability of their marriage:
"NTA."
"I am a homeschooler."
"I do it because my child was not thriving in public school and was falling behind, so I reluctantly brought him home to teach him one on one."
"It's not ideal, but he is progressing."
"Your wife is not homeschooling because she's thinking about what the kids want - she is thinking about her own needs and the perceptions of her crunchy mom friends."
"Does she have curriculum planned for them in each of their major subjects so that they don't fall behind their age group?"
"Does she have the education and knowledge to teach them appropriately?"
"Are they going to get an education that enables them to be college-ready when the time comes if they choose to attend?"
"Homeschooling is hard if you're doing it correctly."
"You have valid reasons for being concerned, and you have just as much say as she does in the way your children are brought up."- Haunting-Nebula-1685
"NTA."
"But you're heading towards a divorce."
"She's in a very toxic friend group and you won't break through."
"For all of its faults, being an active and engaged parent with the options of a public school system will be better for them."
"Parental involvement (not helicopter parenting), determines success."- vt2022cam
"NTA."
"Your wife was dead set on homeschooling, but it doesn't seem like she had any actual plans or learning program in place."
"Keeping kids away from other children isn't fair either."
"You don't just learn math, reading, and science in school, but you also learn social skills and how to interact with all sorts of different people who are from different backgrounds and walks of life."
"You also learn how to navigate different social situations, which is beneficial even if those situations are negative (i.e. kids being rude, loud, etc...), as it gets them familiar with navigating the different situations they will encounter outside of school as they grow up."
"It sounds like you tried to discuss your feelings about this multiple times with your wife, but each time she shut the conversation down."
"You are concerned about your children being isolated in a bubble, and that is valid."
"Was it wrong to go behind her back and enroll the kids in school despite your wife's wishes?"
"That's debatable."
"You weren't acting out of malice but out of concern for the well-being of your kids."
"I'm not sure how else you could have handled this, and you did what you feel is in their best interest, so you are not an AH for that."- prairiemountainzen
"NTA."
"She's already said her idea of 'homeschooling' is actually unschooling."
"That's a very drastic choice, and she has no right to make that by herself."
"You're looking out for your children's future."
"If you were certain there's a curriculum and appropriate activities at the home, then you would probably be on board."
"But she basically is saying she wants to never introduce your children to any outside influence ever."
"Look up former unschooled kids on YouTube."
"They'll tell you this effed them up."
"I would be a little concerned how far her identity is only tied with those mom groups and her being a mom."
"Yes it's an important part of her - but she's basically saying she would rather choose brainwashing her kids and to keep living through them than to give them the best tools they need to find themselves and live their lives as they best see fit."
"This is not a healthy mindset and she may need empathy and compassion to break out of this and find something else to throw herself into, because having kids means having to let go of them, in small ways first and then in a big way, and right now she's saying she won't do it, not now, maybe never."- unluckysupernova
"Give your wife the option of formulating a plan for their education, with specifics."
"Homeschooling isn't done willy-nilly."
"Ask her what activities she has for them to combat the boredom."
"How is she going to ensure they are learning all they need to learn and more."
"For now, she should be very engaging with them outside of school hours."
"I doubt the twins are acting happy to make you happy, especially given this is a brand new experience to them."
"NTA."- many_hobbies_gal
All parents have every right to do what they feel is best for their children.
However, the OP's wife seems only to want to homeschool her children not because she thinks it's what's best for them, but because it's what she wants.
Or worse... because it's what all her other friends are doing.
Hopefully, the OP and his wife will seriously discuss what is truly best for their children.
Otherwise, it's safe to assume this won't be the last thing the OP does behind his wife's back.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp