Being a parent requires a lot of sacrifice of time.
Your time is no longer yours until they're at least 12.
It's part of the bargain you make.
So what happens when a parent reneges on the deal?
Case in point...
Redditor MandemFandem2 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not spending time with my daughter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (36 M[ale]) have 3 children (12 M) (14 M) (16 F[emale])."
"I spend most of my time with my boys fishing, going on trips with them and their friends."
"Sometimes we even go camping."
"A lot of times they even sit around me and my friends when we're at the campfire."
"We spend a lot of time together bonding as father and sons but my daughter does not."
"I take my boys to clubs like coding, American football, and basketball."
"I asked my daughter if she would like to go to any clubs but she declined and I said fine by me."
"My daughter asks me to do things like practice make-up, fashion etc."
"I have no interest, instead I like things like football, fishing, and building things."
"I frequently visit Home Depot with my boys because we are always working on projects like how we are working on building a cabin."
"My daughter comes around asking me to come shopping with her which I find unimaginably boring so I pass on the offer."
"My boys hate going shopping with their mother and sister."
"But love the things I do with them so, whenever their mother is not forcing the to come we are always having fun."
"I've asked my daughter multiple times to come but she's refused."
"The last few weeks she has been asking me to spend time with her, but she never does anything that would interest me."
"All she does with me is show me new clothes, talk about tv shows, and typical teenage girls stuff."
"I am not interested in things like getting my hair done so I do not spend time with her often."
"Last week she came to me and I refused."
"I think this was the last straw in her book because she was furious."
"She started calling me out saying how I never spend time with her and that I love her brothers more than I care about her."
"Which is not true."
"I reassured her that I love her and her brothers equally but she does not listen."
"She asked me to try doing what she likes for a change but I explain to her how I am not interested."
"My wife has also called me out on this."
"When I told my friends, they told me it was just a 'phase' and their daughters have done the same."
"This calmed me down but my daughter will not speak to me. I feel really bad."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Everything I do with my kids has to be all about me and what I like to do."
"And if my kid has different interests, they're useless to me and I won't spend any time with them."
"I have other kids whose shared interests can reflect my self-perceived glory back at me, and I am all that matters."
"Yes, bruh. No question. YTA." ~ Far_Anteater_256
"I have no interest in my own daughter, repeatedly tell her that, and refuse to spend time with her like all my other children."
"But I don't see what's wrong with that... even after my daughter explicitly told me that it hurts her."
"But I'm just still not interested. Yeah, YTA." ~ grey-skies
"Literally. Just."
"I refuse to spend time with my daughter."
"Or take any interest in her interests, constantly show/tell her that her interests are boring and stupid."
"Make it clear I have no interest in her as a person either since I only ever recommend things I want to do."
"And I only hang out with my sons because my wife and daughter are always forcing us to do the boring and awful things they want to do."
"And you know we complain the entire time my wife or daughter wants to do something they like with the family."
"But my daughter is being unreasonable in saying that I don't like or love her and that I wont spend anytime with her"
"You're not a good dad bro, YTA."
"Being a good dad doesn't mean only being a good dad for the kids you have things in common with and only trying with them." ~ Original-Stretch-464
"There was a point I was afraid my husband would be the same."
"Glad he proved me wrong."
"My husband talked about all the stuff he wanted to do when he had a son."
"He really was stuck in the mindset that he wanted an older brother to protect younger sisters (even though I am the oldest with younger brothers)."
"Our daughter was born first and it took him some time after we found out we were having a girl to adjust, but he did."
"Then her interests were things like dance and colorguard instead of hockey and baseball, no matter how hard he tried to teach her these things."
"He has horrible stage fright, but when she asked him to do the Dancing Dad's performance with her, he got some anxiety meds from the doctor, practiced the heck out of the choreograhy and was one of the best up there."
"Repeat for 5 years of dancing Dads."
"She then decided she wanted to try with a flag and a band."
"He is there front row of every competition he can be."
"He finally got his son when a baby surprise arrived a few months ago."
"He now says he is happy she came first because she made him a better dad, even to our son."
"While he still hopes our baby will be into baseball and hockey, now he isn't afraid of the idea that he might want to dance." ~ bcece
"Right? Like my husband has a beard and likes chopping wood and power tools and fishing and camping with our son."
"But you can bet your a** when our daughter asks him to play he puts on a crown and sticks fake flowers in his beard and has a tea party with his pinky out because that's what dads are supposed to do."
"This is the grown up version of that. YTA dude." ~ TheRestForTheWicked
"YTA. You (OP) push her away whenever she attempts to get close to you."
"You constantly reject her."
"You're favoring your boys, and aren't interested in her presence."
"When I told my friends, they told me it was just a 'phase' and their daughters have done the same."
"Seems like you're in good company."
"I guess your kids wanting to be around you is nothing but a passing phase."
"It's sad that you don't discern that she loves you, and appreciates the time she has with you."
"Instead, you make her feel left out."
"She doesn't want to do what you do with the boys."
"She wants one on one time with you, doing things she likes."
"You're her parent, so you need to make her feel welcome and loved."
"You excuse your unwillingness to hang out with her by saying that you propose to her to accompany you and your boys."
"But I suppose she doesn't like being outdoors, building things, etc."
"She's more feminine."
"So you need to come up with something both she and you might find interesting."
"It doesn't have to be makeup."
"You can just sit at a restaurant and talk, without involving your interests."
"Either you didn't think of that, or "different interests" aren't the problem." ~ Compensate1995
"I cannot tell you how many Harry Potter related things I've done with my niece because it makes her happy."
"I don't love Harry Potter, but she does, and she wants to spend time with me and share something she loves."
"I'm astounded by how thickheaded OP is."
"You freaking do things with people you love even if they're not the most exciting things in the world."
"YTA OP. And you'll never have a relationship with your daughter if you keep going down this route (and frankly, it doesn't sound like you care)." ~ rdlenix
"YTA. Your daughter isn't quite right."
"It's not that you love your sons more than her."
"It's that you love yourself more than all of them."
"It's just more convenient to spend time with your sons because they happen to be into the same things as you."
"Being a parent is a sacrifice."
"Sometimes that means getting out of your comfort zone and doing something that you don't find fun."
"Because it isn't actually about the activity."
"It's about spending time together." ~ spokanyon
Well OP... Reddit is not on your side.
It sounds like you may need a DEEP soul dive.
Perhaps a little therapy could help?
Just a thought.
Good luck to you and ALL the kids.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp