Trying to eat healthy isn't easy for everybody.
It can be a big problem with age.
Starting new and healthier habits after decades of bad choices can be an uphill battle.
The struggle can often lead to issues with loved ones.
Some people who live with healthier habits don't have a lot of patience for others who don't.
Fights over the menu is a real thing.
Redditor RiskUpset4107 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for throwing out my kid's food?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"When I was a child my mother had no concept of what healthy food is."
"If it said diet on the box it was ok."
"She would serve me cereal for breakfast."
"Dinners were often processed ready-to-eat junk or McDonalds."
"After-school snacks were cookies and Little Debbie."
"My mom is obese and I was almost 300 lbs when I graduated high school."
"It was only after I moved out that I realized how unhealthy I was and it took me years to lose that childhood weight and establish good eating habits."
"My wife has always had them and was brought up by a family that didn't trust processed foods."
"My family and I now follow a whole-food diet for ourselves."
"My mom had a heart attack and is almost 400 lbs."
"This is her 3rd heart attack and she wasn't able to make rent so now she is living with me and recovering at my home."
"She has been to a nutritionist multiple times for her weight and acts like she is too stupid to understand what they are saying or acts like no one really eats like that or the doctors and nurses are bullying her because of her weight."
"She has been ordering junk food and takeout on apps like Instant Cart and Uber Eats."
"She has been feeding my kids the same junk food."
"Even after I told her to stop."
"I hear the ring camera go off and my youngest child gets my mom's latest McDonalds order."
"My mom got both of my kids a Happy Meal."
"This was the 3rd time she has done this week."
"I took my kid's Happy Meals and tossed them in the trash and poured cleaner on top of them."
"I told my mom if wants to eat herself to death that's ok with me but do not kill my children like you almost killed me as a child with this trash."
"Things got heated because my mom was crying saying she doesn't know any better and one Happy Meal will not hurt my children."
"I told her this is the 3rd one this week and if she gives my children junk again she will find herself in a nursing home."
"My mom cried and cried saying I was mean to her and all the doctors do is bully her."
"She just wants to live her life."
"I told her she's not living her best life she's eating herself to death."
"My mom called me a bully and told my children I was a bully and not to act like me in school."
"I told my mom I'm fed up with her and I'm looking at nursing homes later that week and I'm not having her bring this lifestyle into my home around my children."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your mother needs mental health help."
"Get her out of your house."
"She is sharing her bad habits with your children, and manipulating them when she can't get her way." ~ Vicious_Lilliputian
"This is tough, you could try explaining boundaries."
"10 can understand that."
"That you set a rule, and Grandma is breaking it on purpose, pretending not to know."
"You could explain that you are very worried for their health and feel very angry with your mother because she is jeopardizing their health."
"Regardless, I hope 10 understands that you are not a bully and NTA!" ~ Blank_Chaotic
"Absolutely NTA. If your mom cannot show basic respect for you as a parent by following your expectations and rules on the foods the kids are eating, she should be shown the door."
"It's not like you reached this point the first time, you only got there after she repeatedly ignored your wishes."
"Your mom has a mental health issue."
"I suspect, and as you note, what she does herself is one thing but plying your kids with fast food three times in a week against their parent's wishes and claiming to not know any better is just not ok - it's manipulative and toxic."
"You aren't a bully for having rules or expecting them to be followed."
"It sounds like she is problematic in your home, a negative influence and a huge source of drama, and you should be looking at alternative options for her, as you are." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"NTA - This 'Things got heated because my mom was crying saying she didn't know any better and one Happy Meal will not hurt my children."
"No, one won't hurt them but a thousand ones will."
"And this, 'I told my mom I'm fed up with her and I'm looking at nursing homes later that week and I'm not having her bring this lifestyle into my home around my children.'"
"Is EXACTLY what you need to do."
"Your mother has a compulsive eating disorder and is a carrier of it infecting your children."
"You need to protect the health of your children, and she hasn't the will or sense to alter her behavior."
"And she is a danger to all around her."
"So, putting her into a controlled environment (the last I heard they don't have a MickyD's on the premises) will not only help your kids but help her as well.
"Do it!" ~ PumpkinPowerful3292
"NTA and I think you do need to find an alternative place for your mom to live now."
"You will not be able to stop her from feeding her junk to your kids and she's doubly crossed the line by telling your kids that you are a bully."
"Even if she doesn't feed them directly, they will want it, sneak it, and have her behavior modeled for them."
"However, I do need to ask if you ever allow your kids to have junk food."
"I agree it's an occasional treat but if you never allow them to have it they could develop an unhealthy relationship with food which could cause them to binge when they get older or under eat." ~ Elizabeth__Sparrow
"Absolutely NTA - your house, your kids, your rules."
"What was your kids' reaction to all this?"
"In an age-appropriate way, I'd be honest with them and explain why that food isn't healthy food and that yes, maybe it can be a sometimes food, but if you eat sometimes food too much, you can get sick like grandma."
"I feel bad for how intentionally ignorant your mom is being and risking her relationship with her grandkids for McDonald's."
"It sounds like she has some mental disorder that's causing her to blame literally everyone and everything else for her problems and never take responsibility."
"I'd keep on the track of getting her in a home because I wouldn't want that attitude rubbing off on my kids." ~ FrancyCat92
OP came back to chat...
"The older one 10 thinks I'm a bully because he said it's wrong to bully people overweight in school."
"That I completely agree with as a former obese child, but I tell him grandma is sick from all the food she ate."
"It's a difficult conversation because I don't want my children to start on good food vs bad food."
"That brings in other problems."
Reddit continued...
"Hi, child psychologist here."
"While you're right about staying away from labeling foods as good and bad, it's absolutely fine to discuss healthy, nutritious food versus treat food that tastes good but doesn't nourish the body."
"One way you can frame the situation with grandma is that she really needs to be eating nutritious foods to heal her body just like they (your kids) need to be eating nutritious foods in order to grow and develop properly."
"Remind them that it's fine to have treated foods on occasion, but three times in a week, where a whole meal is replaced with treated food, is not eating well, and doing that can lead to illness.
"For your older kid, you could even talk about how some people can get addicted to eating only treat food like someone can get addicted to drugs because eating only that kind of food all the time changes the brain to only want that kind of food."
"Grandma has an addiction to food that is not good for her body, but eating that kind of food constantly makes it more likely she'll stay sick and maybe have another heart attack."
"Explain that it's hard for Grandma to understand why it's bad to eat that kind of food every day because her brain has convinced her that's what she needs all the time."
"It's because you love her, and love your kids, that you reacted so strongly."
"What looks like you being mean is actually you demonstrating tough love."
"Sometimes being harsh is the only way someone can hear you, and Grandma had ignored your other attempts to talk about it and make changes."
"You aren't bullying Grandma for her weight, you are upset that she is refusing the doctor's instructions and not trying to heal her body from sickness, and her diet is a big part of that."
"You are upset that she is giving you too much treat food, which means not getting enough nutritious food."
"You are the parent and it's your job to make sure your kids have what they need."
"If your kids know that you previously struggled with your weight, remind them that you were once unhealthy because you ate that way, and you'd never want that for them."
"If they don't, now is a good time to bring it up."
"Describe struggling to walk, shortness of breath, congested skin, whatever was true for you."
"Explain that bodies run on nutritious food like a car runs on gas (if you have gas-powered cars), and without nutritious foods the body doesn't work well."
"Explain the differences in how you feel with a nutritious diet versus too much-treated food."
"Emphasize regularly that it's about eating well, not about weight."
"Obviously, this is a lot, so take from this what will work in your situation. Good luck!"
"Oh, and NTA." ~ DrKittyLovah
"I'll say NTA."
"But in the unsolicited advice section - I hope you're limiting as much of this argument around your kids as you can."
"I realize your mom is not, and she's weaponizing them ('telling them not to act like me)."
"I also hope you're having a talk with your kids and unpacking this as much as you can."
"Not sure how old they are, but since they are 'Happy Meal' age, this can be pretty difficult."
"That and... it does feel a little bit like your kids are getting punished unintentionally with Grandma dangling this fun thing and you take it away."
"I also understand this is your mom's fault, but kids are getting kinda caught in the crossfire."
"I mean, at least save off the Happy Meal toys for them." ~ SoImaRedditUserNow
"While you could've handled this more tactfully, definitely NTA."
"Your children are your responsibility to raise."
"If you set a boundary, then it should be respected. It wasn't."
"Now, there are consequences."
"You're doing what you have to do." ~ TheGoodJeans
"NTA. There's no reason for your mother to buy junk food for your kids in your own home."
"If she can't follow that rule, then indeed, you need to find her another place to live."
"Clearly, she wants other people to eat the same as her so she can continue claiming her diet is normal."
"You and your wife know better, so she's trying to corrupt your kids." ~ 1962Michael
"NTA. If she has money for doordash, she has money to move out." ~ Direct_Crab3923
"NTA. She does know better and is choosing to not do better." ~ ButItSaysOnline
Reddit understands your plight, OP.
It's hard to take a stand with your parents as an adult.
You're trying to do what's best for everybody, especially her.
Hopefully, she come around before it's too late.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp