As annoying as it might be, sometime we’re going to be invited to more than one event that occurs on the same date or time.
The general rule of thumb is to attend a little bit of both of them, or to go to the event you committed to first, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor justathrowaway_ was insistent that her daughter attend a friend’s wedding, in an effort to keep up appearances in their community.
When it led to her daughter no longer speaking to her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she had been too pushy.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my daughter she needs to get her priorities in check?”
The OP’s daughter had become close with the neighbors.
“I’ve (49 Female) lived next door to our current neighbors for about 3 years. They’re nice people and my husband and I are both friendly with them. They have 3 kids, A, L, and E (Male, Male, and Female).”
“L and E are around my daughter, H’s age (21), and they both became good friends with her, so we know them quite well, but A had moved out for college by the time we moved to this street so we didn’t really get to meet him until about a year ago (I’d say A is 24/25 years old).”
“During that time, A became good friends with my daughter and they kept in touch.”
A scheduling conflict recently arose between the families.
“A few months ago, my daughter mentioned that A had invited her to a prestigious piano concert he was a part of. She seemed excited to attend (she plays the piano too but more as a hobby) and obviously we had no problem with it, she’s mature enough to make her own decisions.”
“The problem arose because a couple of weeks after that, a very very close family friend of ours invited us to their son’s wedding and insisted all 3 of us attend.”
“H had no issue until she realized the wedding was the same day as A’s piano concert. H told us that she had to attend A’s concert and unfortunately would not be able to attend the wedding.”
“Her dad was okay with it but I insisted that she had to attend the wedding as that family is very close to us, much closer than A’s family.”
“She kept refusing and said that she herself is much closer to A than the person getting married and she’d already told A she’d be attending.”
“I compromised and said that she can go to the wedding during the day and then leave for the concert later, but she said no because, by the time the wedding finished and she drove to the concert, it’d pretty much be over. We ended up RSVPing just for the two of us.”
The OP could not handle the embarrassment.
“Well, the wedding/concert day was recently and my daughter went to A’s concert. My husband and I went to the wedding and my friend kept saying how sad she was that H ‘doesn’t find time for us anymore.’ I was embarrassed but kept my cool.”
“The next day, I told H that she embarrassed us by not attending the wedding of a long-time friend and someone she’s known for years.”
“H got defensive and said that for her attending the concert was a priority and it was just unfortunate that they both fell on the same day, to which I replied that she needs to get her priorities in check and realize that a decades-long friend is a lot more important than some random guy’s concert.”
“She stormed out of the house and stayed the night with a friend (I think it was A).”
“She came back later but is refusing to speak to me.”
“My husband is saying I went too far, but while my words might have been a bit harsh I think it was an important lesson for her.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued with the OP that her daughter’s priorities were actually in order.
“She is 21 years old and honored a prior commitment. I don’t think her priorities are out of order. You are letting your personal embarrassment cloud your judgment.”
“But you shouldn’t be embarrassed that your adult daughter honored her word, and the person who melodramatically whined repeatedly that a 21 year old ‘doesn’t make time for them anymore’ seems out of touch with reality.”
“YTA.” – Semirhage527
“I was going to say, it sounds like she DOES have her priorities in check.”
“What you meant to say was: ‘AITA because I told my daughter she needs to make MY priorities her priorities?'” – HeatherHayesUndies
“How does OP think her daughter will form her own decades-long friendships if she doesn’t, you know, make her own choices about whether to prioritise her own friends over her mother’s ‘friend’ who couldn’t resist getting in a little dig about the daughter ‘not making time for them’?”
“(Oh, right, she isn’t meant to, she’s meant to buddy up/possibly get shoved into ‘courtship’ with some random guy who happens to have been born to her mum’s ‘close friend’ – not close enough that OP actually knows how old all their kids are, though…)” – vastaril
“She’s further insulting and attempting to erode her daughter’s intelligence and confidence. Like, her daughter doesn’t know how to choose a ‘good friend,’ so of course it falls on her mother to sort out her silly, wayward child. (ends sarcastic comment)” – allthingsconsidered5
“Even if it was just some ‘random guy,’ H has every right as a 21 year old adult woman to spend her time with whomever she chooses, but what OP is also doing by referring to A that way is alienating and insulting to someone who lives next door.”
“Ain’t it funny how someone can go from ‘good friend’ to ‘some random guy’ when mom is feeling like she can’t keep up with her friends ‘who come from a very good background’? Money really corrupts people’s principles and ethics.” – toss_it_out_tomorrow
“It seems to me it is you, who does not have your priorities straight.”
“You, surely raised your daughter to honor her her commitments, which she not only planned to do, but actually did.”
“The piano concert was not only something your daughter committed to attend, but it was a prestigious event, hence very important to A.”
“Should she have chosen to do as you wished, she would have gone back on her word; and, she would have shown herself to be untrustworthy to her friend.”
“She would also have hurt someone who means something important to her. If the friend really wants to see more of your daughter, then, he should invite her to visit him at a later date, or, you could invite the friend to dinner and invite your daughter to join you, as long as she doesn’t have a preexisting event planned for that date.”
“Despite your embarrassment, you raised your daughter right; and, she is putting your lessons to work. It is you, who are forgetting them.”
“YTA.” – Muted_Caterpillar13
Others were angry about the manipulative tactics made by the OP and her friends.
“Yeah, OP and her AH friend remind me of these meddling middle aged ‘aunty’ figures from when I was in my early 20s. All they wanted to do was to introduce their sons and other sons and friends sons to me via my parents.”
“OP, want to know what my mom did to shield me from the bulls**t?”
“Tell her ‘friends’ her daughter is busy.”
“Tell her ‘friends’ her daughter is now 20 something, with a mind and life of her own.”
“Tell her ‘friends’ her daughter is busy, or daughter had a last minute thing. I don’t know what it is. She just said she had to go.”
“My mom would make up stories just so these meddling women would get off her case about me.”
“Do you know why? Because her priorities were in order. Her priority being me, her daughter. Not some ‘decade long friend from a good family’ who wanted to meddle. Real friends don’t meddle.”
“So yeah, you are YTA.” – boo-pspps
“Both OP and her friend at the wedding who kept harping on H not being there are A. H. Your daughter’s priorities are fine, they just aren’t yours, get over it… she had committed to the concert before the wedding came up, and it’s her prerogative.”
“Also, OP, no one really gets to spend time with anyone at a wedding except the people you came with. Your friend, the mother of the bride I assume, would have gotten to say, ‘Hello,’ and ask banal questions about your daughter’s life, then would have ignored her to talk to you. It would have been an ego stroke to you and your friend to have H there, nothing more.”
“OP, YTA.” – buck_godot
“If A personally is close to OP’s friend as OP is insisting, why does A have to be ‘introduced’ to the friend’s son? If the families were close, all of the kids would have met each other.”
“OP is just pissed she couldn’t manipulate her daughter into a relationship with her BFF’s other, unmarried son.” – rbaltimore
“The OP said in a comment (which has since been deleted), ‘My friend said it because both her and I were hoping H would come because my friend hasn’t seen my daughter in a while, and it’d be a good time to introduce a possible courtship between her and my friend’s other son.'”
“They were embarrassed because it was a fix up that was planned in advance by both mom’s/OP mom’s and both of grooms parents. Daughter and OP’s husband didn’t know it was a fix up (well daughter may have figured it out, OP’s husband didn’t know or doesn’t approve).”
“OP very likely sold her daughters interest availability, ‘Of course Henrietta will be at the wedding she’s very much wants to met son2, they would make such a lovely couple,’ meanwhile Daughter is dating neighbor’s kid.”
“That’s also why Grooms mom twisted the knife, its possible until the fix up was planned Daughter was not even going to be invited to the wedding. it was, ‘WTF you said she really wanted to met son, if that was true she would be here. It seems you might be lying to me about her interest. I’m not arranging another meting with an unreliable social climbing cow like you or your daughter’ worded politely as ‘oh, it’s too bad she doesn’t find time for us anymore.'” – shhh_its_me
Amidst receiving feedback, the OP posted an update.
“My daughter found this post and went through all the comments.”
“We had a big fight, where she admitted to being in a serious relationship with A and is moving to his place until she finds somewhere of her own.”
“She’s refusing further contact until I give an apology, which I did, but apparently it’s not ‘sincere’ enough.”
“A’s family found out and did not take it well (my ‘comments,’ not H and A’s relationship, they’re totally fine with that).”
“My husband is saying I only have myself to blame.”
The subReddit immediately understood why the situation wasn’t working in the OP’s favor, especially with her emphasis on having priorities in order.
Not only was she prioritizing her own desires above her daughter’s prior commitments, but she was doing so with ulterior motives, which rarely work out for anyone.