When two people are preparing to spend their lives together, they'll hear a barrage of messages about staying together through absolutely everything and being their for each other.
But sometimes people change so much, they're nothing like the person their partner married, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor throwrabarman3883 had been with his wife for seven years, and she'd recently started to do some things in their home that he never would have expected from her, including drastically renovating certain areas of their home.
But when she went so far as to throw away a very sentimental item and to remove some of his personal spaces, the Original Poster (OP) began to question what was happening to his wife and to his marriage.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for considering divorcing my wife over what she did to our basement?"
The OP's wife started to drastically transform their home.
"My wife, Jess (31 Female) and I (30 Male) have been together for seven years and married for two years."
"Jess is Autistic and has ADD, and she sees several doctors and psychiatrists, because she takes anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, stimulants, and other meds."
"She does not drink alcohol and does not have a bipolar diagnosis or something similar."
"I also am Autistic, and I need to be doing something constantly, and pacing around the space in our utility closet is sort of my thing."
"Here's the problem: Two weeks ago, I came home to find huge chunks of our bar just sitting in the driveway."
"When I went into our basement, I found that Jess had completely ripped out our bar and was planning on just trashing all of it."
"She had also ripped out the door to our utility closet and the paneling around the door."
The OP was bewildered by how she was coping with her fears.
"Why did she do it? Apparently, she wants to get rid of any and all association with alcohol in our home."
"But I rarely drink. I maybe drink the equivalent of a six-pack in a YEAR."
"The only bottle of alcohol I keep in the house is a bottle of brandy that my late grandfather gifted me when I turned 21, that she also emptied. I never intended to even open that bottle; it held too much sentimental value to me, and she knew that, hence the reason she only emptied it, not trashed it."
"She also took off the utility door and paneling, because she wanted to see what I was doing back there, which was just pacing around the workbench in there."
The OP did not share his wife's concerns about alcohol and healthy eating habits.
"So why is she so dead set on having a dry house? Her brother recently told the family that he has a Fatty Liver."
"BUT, his fatty liver is not because of alcohol. Like me, he almost never drinks, maybe even less."
"The reason why my BIL has a fatty liver is because he eats junk food all the time, he's overweight at 260 pounds, and he doesn't exercise at all."
"But Jess doesn't seem to see the difference."
The OP did not appreciate his wife not involving him in these major decisions.
"We never agreed to any of this, and Jess doesn't seem to realize that she crossed major boundaries."
"I enjoyed that bar, call me childish, but I felt like a king behind that bar, and it gave me a lot of usable space. It is also where we eat when we have company over, as our dining room table only holds two."
"It was my little spot that Jess got rid of because of some irrational fear."
"Jess has been clingy before, but this is insane. Her own parents divorced about 15 years ago, and out her and her three siblings, Jess was the only one who didn't see it coming, and it apparently messed with her. Jess loves my family and always wanted to be a part of it. Take from that as you will."
"I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since. I really want to divorce her over this, but right now my emotions are running very high, so maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't know."
"Has anyone gone through something like this before? Can couples therapy help us?"
"The whole thing about divorce is something I kept to myself, and I've never told Jess about it. I'm still too emotional and don't want to discuss anything until I'm ready."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that destroying his grandfather's gift would be a dealbreaker.
"The bar and whatever isn’t as big of a deal as emptying your sentimental bottle. That is really selfish of her. She destroyed an irreplaceable memento just because..." - One_Cartographer263
"Emptying that bottle was just cruel. NOR."
"I don’t know if you’re headed for divorce, but she definitely overstepped. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I wouldn’t even overreact like this. A six-pack a year rounds out to zero beers a month." - Loggerdon
"Destroying the bar was rude, but destroying a known sentimental object is cruel beyond boundaries. You just don't do that and expect that the bridge isn't burned." - unfart
"Emptying a 10-year-old heirloom bottle from his late grandfather over an unrelated diagnosis is genuinely unhinged. She basically staged a solo episode of 'Extreme Home Makeover' based entirely on a misunderstanding of medical science."
"If she is that terrified of fatty liver disease, she should have been raiding the pantry for the junk food instead of treating a sentimental basement bar like a crime scene." - babystarpetals
"This made me audibly gasp. I have a box of FROZEN TAQUITOS from my dead dad’s apartment in the back of my freezer; my husband loves me so much that he lets them just sit there. They weren’t even a gift."
"It makes me sick to my stomach, the thought of OP realizing that such a precious memento has been destroyed." - Fickle_Watercress719
"We have very little cupboard space, yet my husband has never questioned getting rid of the one-sixth-full big Folgers container of decaf coffee my father gave me the year before he passed."
"If we ever, ever HAD to get rid of it, I can say in full confidence that he would at least ask me first, and he'd be ready to support me if it was hard for me." - Existing_Engine_498
Others agreed and also voiced concern about opening up the utility room.
"Not only did she mess up the bar, but she tore out a door because she doesn't trust what he's doing when she can't physically watch him, and OMG, he had a space where he walked around IN PRIVATE." - MariaInconnu
"I think taking the door off a workroom because she wants to be able to see what you're doing in there is a pretty big red flag."
"She didn't take it off the hinges, where it would be easy to replace; she ripped the whole frame out, so it will take actual carpentry to replace it."
"She also took the bar out in pieces so it can't be easily replaced. She is trying to permanently destroy a safe space. A space she was welcome in, so it's not like he was hiding anything from her there. That's extremely concerning." - calminthedark
"NOR. This is insane. Ripping off a door because she can't stand you having privacy. Ripping the basement apart because her brother has a fatty liver due to a s**t diet."
"And the brandy? Jesus, that's demented." - mother-of-dragons13
"NOR. It seems like she's using the fatty liver as an excuse to remove something you love. Is this a pattern of behaviour?"
"Has she destroyed or stopped you from doing things you love before with flimsy excuses? Removing the door so you have no privacy really shows what's going on here. Her excuses ran out for the door, fatty liver had nothing to do with the door." - Fearless-North-9057
"This isn't about alcohol. She destroyed something your grandfather gave you, knowing exactly what it meant to you, and she's now monitoring where you walk in your own house."
"The bar thing alone would be a massive boundary violation. But emptying that bottle specifically? That was targeted. She knew it would hurt and did it anyway."
"And wanting to 'see what you're doing' in the utility closet? That's not a normal concern; that's surveillance. You were pacing by a workbench. That's not suspicious behavior unless someone is looking for reasons to control you."
"You're not overreacting. The question isn't really about the basement anymore. It's about whether you can trust someone who would do this without even talking to you first."
"Has she explained why now? Did something trigger this, or has this controlling behavior been building?" - ikosuave
Some urged the OP to help his wife get a mental health evaluation before making any final decisions.
"NOR, but your wife needs a mental health evaluation FAST." - Nearby-Ad5666
"You need to react more. This sounds like a manic episode or some sort of medical/mental crisis. She ripped out a bar and started ripping apart your basement?? Take her to the f**king doctor." - Jaykaybabay
"Take her to the doctor, man. Lots of weird mental stuff shows up at 30. Good luck."
"I have had manic episodes associated with anxiety and bipolar disorder at around this age." - judoflipper69
"Psychiatrists and therapists can only work with the info they’re given."
"You say she’s been seeing mental health professionals her whole life, but she still does stuff like this and has panic attacks over her perceived popularity with her mom’s dogs? Something isn’t adding up."
"Bipolar is possible, but there’s a bunch of diagnoses that may apply off the small amount of info you’ve given us." - hiluhry
"I spent a lifetime in therapy and psychiatrists' offices because of anxiety. Turns out I’m autistic and didn’t get a diagnosis until my 40s because I had no idea that what I was experiencing my whole life was just being on the spectrum, which led to extreme anxiety in seemingly normal situations."
"I just would complain about how anxious I was, but never was able to articulate that it was sensory issues, etc. Since a diagnosis, my anxiety has decreased because now I have better coping mechanisms for my particular issues."
"She's already diagnosed with that, but maybe there's something else going on, or maybe she's struggling with coping, or even something else. Either way, she needs help." - IndyAnnaDoge
"This is not going away. This will get help. Either she needs to agree to medical exploration and potentially help, or get a divorce. NOR." - FlatPepper311
The subReddit was deeply alarmed by the sudden changes that the OP's wife made in their home without talking to the OP about it first, especially when it came to that sentimental bottle from his grandfather.
Between taking out the bar and ridding the home of alcohol seemed that his wife was eager for healthy improvements in their home, where healthy improvements may not have been needed, since they weren't frequent drinkers.
But the wife's removal of the utility closet door and frame spoke of something deeper and more concerning, perhaps like she didn't trust what the OP was doing in there and maybe even thought he was sneaking snacks or alcohol in there, which could impact his liver like her brother's.
Some thought that this was all grounds for a divorce, but most felt the root of the problem needed to be addressed with a psychiatrist first, and then once they had all of the information in front of them, the OP could make a final decision.
