Something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough is what goes through people’s minds when they are contemplating a divorce.
In many cases, people exit marriages because something isn’t working out, like a compatibility issue, growing apart, or something more nefarious, like cheating.
But on occasion, a person will marry someone for their own personal benefit, just to leave when it is convenient for them, side-eyed the people in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Shoddy-Armadillo-312 thought he was in a good marriage and supported his wife when she wanted to go back to school and study to be a nurse.
But when she accidentally revealed to him that she only planned to stay with him for as long as it took her to land a stable job with her new degree, the Original Poster (OP) decided to divorce her before she could divorce him.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for ending my marriage after finding out my wife was planning to leave me but only after she stayed long enough to do a small career change?”
The OP was supportive when his wife wanted to go back to school.
“Last year, my soon-to-be ex-wife (32 Female) told me she wanted to go from being a labor and delivery nurse to being a specialist cancer nurse. She was returning to college, cutting back her hours at work, and aiming to be finished in two years.”
“I was supportive, although a little surprised. She had always seemed happy with her career and our life with our two kids.”
“But I know some people can spontaneously get the urge for something more or different, so it wasn’t a big deal.”
“It did put some strain on me. Because she was so busy, I had to take on a lot more so she could do less. Previously, it had been 50-50 at home, and it went to about 80-20 after she returned to education.”
Then, the OP discovered something devastating about his wife’s new career path.
“About four months after she started back at college, I overheard her and her best friend talking. I wasn’t due home for an hour but had been able to leave early and had the kids with me.”
“My ex’s friend was asking her how she could manage to stay married and keep up the pretense.”
“My ex said if she left me, she would never be able to make the career move. She wouldn’t have the time to be a single parent and work and train for her specialty.”
“She said that I was able to support her through it as long as I didn’t know she wanted out of our marriage and would leave as soon as she secured the new job.”
“Her friend said it would all blow up in her face when I realized, and she said she didn’t care. She said that she f**ked herself over by working even when we had the kids. Otherwise, she could have left and made me support them until she got a job.”
The OP confronted his wife about what he overheard right away.
“I waited until her friend was gone and the kids were in bed, and then I told her the marriage was over and I was not going to be used until she got what she wanted.”
“She told me I heard it wrong, and I was overreacting.”
“She was ready for an argument, but I told her not where the kids could hear, and we waited until the kids were out of the house, and we had it out with each other.”
“She told me I was selfish and shouldn’t punish her for changing her mind about us. She said if I was a good man, I’d encourage her to leave her job and offer to support her until she was ready to leave.”
The OP filed for divorce despite his wife’s reluctance.
“In the end, I filed for divorce ,and I moved out of the home. I wanted to fight for the home since I’d lived there before we were together, but her name was on the deed, and I didn’t want my kids to live in a conflict-ridden home.”
“They were already going through a lot, and this divorce has been difficult for them.”
“Their mom hates me, their grandparents and aunts and uncles hate me, and they’re not allowed to talk about me around them. I have tried to hide how sad I am around them, but I fear they’ve picked up on it.”
“My ex is fighting the divorce, and her family is telling me I’m selfish and that I should understand that a woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage.”
“But she’d be stable without college. Her job was secure, and before this, she worked enough hours to support herself and the kids alone if she had to. She simply doesn’t want to continue in that job. I don’t feel like I owe her that support.”
“But maybe I’m wrong about that, and like she and her family say, maybe I’m the AH.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP about not wanting to be used by his ex.
“She has a right to leave a marriage whenever she deems fit and for whatever reasons she has. But so do you.”
“I find it interesting that their problem is not trying to fix the marriage but to make you her doormat now for her comfortable future… not yours… just hers. NTA.” – Usual-Canary-7764
“NTA. No one wants to be used merely as a means to an end, especially when the plan is to manipulate you into thinking you’re supporting the long-term happiness of someone who you think loves you.”
“It’s a ‘do unto others’ type thing.” – Interesting-Fish6065
“NTA. Honestly the audacity of that line, to ‘ensure her stability,’ like what? She had a job that paid her. She had stability and as a nurse in a field that is always hurting for nurses, she can easily find work, or h**l, she can go to any ER and apply and unless she’s s**t at her job she would probably be hired.”
“I can’t with people like this, oh my god.” – MegsMegs321
“Relationships should be mutual, not one-sided. You’ve got every right to prioritize yourself when you’re being taken for granted.” – Conscious-Help-9347
“I wonder how his ex would feel if the tables were turned? I have a feeling she would be less than happy about it, would resent him, file for divorce immediately, and, along with her entire family, would be cruel to him for ‘stringing her along’ and for being ‘a selfish piece of s**t.'”
“The fact no one in the ex’s family seems to have the ability to picture themselves in his shoes or to imagine things if it were the other way around is beyond me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that she was selfishly weaponizing their relationship (and his kindness, loyalty to their marriage, and love for her) for her own personal gain while intentionally harming him in the process.”
“They said, ‘A woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage.’ No. A HUMAN has the right to ensure their stability before ending a marriage. However, this wasn’t her ‘ensuring her stability.’ This was her deceiving and robbing OP of his time, effort, and money, just so she could climb the corporate ladder (so to speak).”
“She wasn’t seeking stability; she already had that in the bag. Instead, she was just using him one last time and was leeching off of his resources so she wouldn’t need to use her own.”
“She knew he trusted her and would agree to this because of his love for her. She strung him along and faked everything that had to do with their relationship for god knows how long. This was cold, manipulative, and selfish as f**k. She’s an a**hole no matter how you slice it, and the fact she has so much support and has so many people defending her is disgusting.” – CatmoCatmo
Others struggled to imagine how devastated the OP was and called him NTA.
“NTA!! It’s awful. He was doing all that extra work, so she could get her education, and help the family have a better economic situation. Now he finds out that it was all for herself, and he wouldn’t be getting any benefit from all of his extra work and support, not even love, so why should he help her anymore?” – Beautiful-Plastic-83
“NTA!!! Your wife was using you. You have every right to leave. Protect yourself legally and keep being a good dad.” – happyXLily
“Her family’s nuts for supporting her thinking. Here’s a thought, let her family support her financially for two years, let them pay for a housekeeper and potential babysitting so she can finish her education.”
“She f**ked around and found out and is getting what she deserves. OP, get yourself into counseling and maybe with your kids (not sure about their ages). Don’t give this b***h a dime more than the divorce requires.”
“Perhaps go for full custody since she’s ‘so busy with work and school’ and get child support, and don’t feel bad about it. Maybe let her have the kids on weekends, and you have them during the week due to her schedule.” – mca2021
“Like man… Your ex used the marriage for convenience while pursuing her career, with no regard for you or the family. You supported her, but when it became clear she was planning to leave after getting what she wanted, you took the necessary steps to protect yourself and your kids.”
“Her family is overlooking how she treated you… You’re not selfish for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.” – weaver561
“Would her family support her financially and child minding if she was already divorced? They want him to be loyal and pay her way because thru don’t have to foot a bill or babysit.”
“You are 100% in the right to file. Good on you for leaving the kids the home they have grown up in… some stability. This is a good time to find a new place for a fresh start… not a home where you and your wife shared. The memories of that home are for the kids; now it’s time for your new home with new and good, healthy, and GENUINE memories…”
“You were being played, and your wife tried to take it back as saying you heard it wrong. You heard enough to know she was only staying to further her life and career and in the end, her new life would have been thanks to you. She made enough money to be single…”
“Best of luck! You’re a sweet man for not disrupting your children’s home. You’re a good dad!” – Laxit00
It’s, of course, okay to want to advance a career or even change a career path entirely, but that should only be true if the reasons behind wanting that are transparent.
It was clear the OP’s soon-to-be ex-wife wanted to leave her husband, and she was simply using him to make the transition as smooth for herself as possible. If she’d gone through with the education to create an even better life for her family and marriage, she’d be facing a very different future.