Something that doesn't get talked about nearly enough is what goes through people's minds when they are contemplating a divorce.
In many cases, people exit marriages because something isn't working out, like a compatibility issue, growing apart, or something more nefarious, like cheating.
But on occasion, a person will marry someone for their own personal benefit, just to leave when it is convenient for them, side-eyed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Shoddy-Armadillo-312 thought he was in a good marriage and supported his wife when she wanted to go back to school and study to be a nurse.
But when she accidentally revealed to him that she only planned to stay with him for as long as it took her to land a stable job with her new degree, the Original Poster (OP) decided to divorce her before she could divorce him.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for ending my marriage after finding out my wife was planning to leave me but only after she stayed long enough to do a small career change?"
The OP was supportive when his wife wanted to go back to school.
"Last year, my soon-to-be ex-wife (32 Female) told me she wanted to go from being a labor and delivery nurse to being a specialist cancer nurse. She was returning to college, cutting back her hours at work, and aiming to be finished in two years."
"I was supportive, although a little surprised. She had always seemed happy with her career and our life with our two kids."
"But I know some people can spontaneously get the urge for something more or different, so it wasn't a big deal."
"It did put some strain on me. Because she was so busy, I had to take on a lot more so she could do less. Previously, it had been 50-50 at home, and it went to about 80-20 after she returned to education."
Then, the OP discovered something devastating about his wife's new career path.
"About four months after she started back at college, I overheard her and her best friend talking. I wasn't due home for an hour but had been able to leave early and had the kids with me."
"My ex's friend was asking her how she could manage to stay married and keep up the pretense."
"My ex said if she left me, she would never be able to make the career move. She wouldn't have the time to be a single parent and work and train for her specialty."
"She said that I was able to support her through it as long as I didn't know she wanted out of our marriage and would leave as soon as she secured the new job."
"Her friend said it would all blow up in her face when I realized, and she said she didn't care. She said that she f**ked herself over by working even when we had the kids. Otherwise, she could have left and made me support them until she got a job."
The OP confronted his wife about what he overheard right away.
"I waited until her friend was gone and the kids were in bed, and then I told her the marriage was over and I was not going to be used until she got what she wanted."
"She told me I heard it wrong, and I was overreacting."
"She was ready for an argument, but I told her not where the kids could hear, and we waited until the kids were out of the house, and we had it out with each other."
"She told me I was selfish and shouldn't punish her for changing her mind about us. She said if I was a good man, I'd encourage her to leave her job and offer to support her until she was ready to leave."
The OP filed for divorce despite his wife's reluctance.
"In the end, I filed for divorce ,and I moved out of the home. I wanted to fight for the home since I'd lived there before we were together, but her name was on the deed, and I didn't want my kids to live in a conflict-ridden home."
"They were already going through a lot, and this divorce has been difficult for them."
"Their mom hates me, their grandparents and aunts and uncles hate me, and they're not allowed to talk about me around them. I have tried to hide how sad I am around them, but I fear they've picked up on it."
"My ex is fighting the divorce, and her family is telling me I'm selfish and that I should understand that a woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage."
"But she'd be stable without college. Her job was secure, and before this, she worked enough hours to support herself and the kids alone if she had to. She simply doesn't want to continue in that job. I don't feel like I owe her that support."
"But maybe I'm wrong about that, and like she and her family say, maybe I'm the AH."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP about not wanting to be used by his ex.
"She has a right to leave a marriage whenever she deems fit and for whatever reasons she has. But so do you."
"I find it interesting that their problem is not trying to fix the marriage but to make you her doormat now for her comfortable future... not yours... just hers. NTA." - Usual-Canary-7764
"NTA. No one wants to be used merely as a means to an end, especially when the plan is to manipulate you into thinking you're supporting the long-term happiness of someone who you think loves you."
"It's a 'do unto others' type thing." - Interesting-Fish6065
"NTA. Honestly the audacity of that line, to 'ensure her stability,' like what? She had a job that paid her. She had stability and as a nurse in a field that is always hurting for nurses, she can easily find work, or h**l, she can go to any ER and apply and unless she's s**t at her job she would probably be hired."
"I can't with people like this, oh my god." - MegsMegs321
"Relationships should be mutual, not one-sided. You've got every right to prioritize yourself when you're being taken for granted." - Conscious-Help-9347
"I wonder how his ex would feel if the tables were turned? I have a feeling she would be less than happy about it, would resent him, file for divorce immediately, and, along with her entire family, would be cruel to him for 'stringing her along' and for being 'a selfish piece of s**t.'"
"The fact no one in the ex's family seems to have the ability to picture themselves in his shoes or to imagine things if it were the other way around is beyond me. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she was selfishly weaponizing their relationship (and his kindness, loyalty to their marriage, and love for her) for her own personal gain while intentionally harming him in the process."
"They said, 'A woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage.'Â No. A HUMAN has the right to ensure their stability before ending a marriage. However, this wasn't her 'ensuring her stability.' This was her deceiving and robbing OP of his time, effort, and money, just so she could climb the corporate ladder (so to speak)."
"She wasn't seeking stability; she already had that in the bag. Instead, she was just using him one last time and was leeching off of his resources so she wouldn't need to use her own."
"She knew he trusted her and would agree to this because of his love for her. She strung him along and faked everything that had to do with their relationship for god knows how long. This was cold, manipulative, and selfish as f**k. She's an a**hole no matter how you slice it, and the fact she has so much support and has so many people defending her is disgusting." - CatmoCatmo
Others struggled to imagine how devastated the OP was and called him NTA.
"NTA!! It's awful. He was doing all that extra work, so she could get her education, and help the family have a better economic situation. Now he finds out that it was all for herself, and he wouldn't be getting any benefit from all of his extra work and support, not even love, so why should he help her anymore?" - Beautiful-Plastic-83
"NTA!!! Your wife was using you. You have every right to leave. Protect yourself legally and keep being a good dad." - happyXLily
"Her family's nuts for supporting her thinking. Here's a thought, let her family support her financially for two years, let them pay for a housekeeper and potential babysitting so she can finish her education."
"She f**ked around and found out and is getting what she deserves. OP, get yourself into counseling and maybe with your kids (not sure about their ages). Don't give this b***h a dime more than the divorce requires."
"Perhaps go for full custody since she's 'so busy with work and school' and get child support, and don't feel bad about it. Maybe let her have the kids on weekends, and you have them during the week due to her schedule." - mca2021
"Like man... Your ex used the marriage for convenience while pursuing her career, with no regard for you or the family. You supported her, but when it became clear she was planning to leave after getting what she wanted, you took the necessary steps to protect yourself and your kids."
"Her family is overlooking how she treated you... You're not selfish for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being." - weaver561
"Would her family support her financially and child minding if she was already divorced? They want him to be loyal and pay her way because thru don't have to foot a bill or babysit."
"You are 100% in the right to file. Good on you for leaving the kids the home they have grown up in... some stability. This is a good time to find a new place for a fresh start... not a home where you and your wife shared. The memories of that home are for the kids; now it's time for your new home with new and good, healthy, and GENUINE memories..."
"You were being played, and your wife tried to take it back as saying you heard it wrong. You heard enough to know she was only staying to further her life and career and in the end, her new life would have been thanks to you. She made enough money to be single..."
"Best of luck! You're a sweet man for not disrupting your children's home. You're a good dad!" - Laxit00
It's, of course, okay to want to advance a career or even change a career path entirely, but that should only be true if the reasons behind wanting that are transparent.
It was clear the OP's soon-to-be ex-wife wanted to leave her husband, and she was simply using him to make the transition as smooth for herself as possible. If she'd gone through with the education to create an even better life for her family and marriage, she'd be facing a very different future.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.