Birthday parties can be a wonderful way for family and friends to celebrate a loved one.
But recently, Redditor Aitanephewgifts learned that they might also be an opportunity to implement some tough love.
The Original Poster (OP) took to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback after she made her ungrateful nephew cry.
She asked,
"AITA for making my nephew cry on his birthday party over some gifts?"
She went on to tell her story.
"My [female age 26] sister [female age 29] has a son Eric, he's eight years old. I don't visit a lot, we live away, but I see them (and most of my family) at birthdays and holidays."
"When I visit I usually buy Eric a toy or some candy, as he's my only nephew. Tbh I like to spoil him and maybe I am a little bit to blame for what happened too."
"It was Eric's birthday this week. I visited them and I brought him a nice car toy, the car was quite big and had lights and stuff."
"When I got to the party I wished him a happy birthday and handed him the gift."
"He opened and he loved it, he said "so far this is the best one", which at the time I thought he was just excited but with what happened later I kinda get the idea it was more malicious intended."
"Like an hour or so after the party started, when everyone had already arrived, Eric made an announcement to the table in which the adults were sitting."
"He said that I have won and that I was now the person who he loved the most because my gift was the one he liked the most."
"I thought it was sweet that he liked it."
"Then he told to my mom that her gift sucked (she brought him a board game) so he didn't loved her anymore, he also told one of his friends that next year he won't be invited because his gift was poor (he gifted him a set of dinosaurs figures)."
"I think this whole thing of ranking the gifts people got them was pretty sh*tty, I expected my sister or her husband to say something, but they didn't, they just laughed."
"So I told Eric that he's not supposed to say that about his gifts, people get them what they can and he should be grateful with it."
"He said that he doesn't understand why he has to love people who don't buy him nice gifts."
"I genuinely can't believe my sister is teaching this bullsh*t to her son. His dad told him 'yeah, they should give you all the best'."
"So I then again told him that a person's worth is not about how expensive or big the gift they got him was, and that if he thought that way, then I will not be continuing buying him gifts."
"Eric started to cry, my sister told me off because I made him cry, but most of my family and some of her in-laws were on my side and told them it was bad to teach their kid such thing."
"Our mom was quite affected, and I wanted to leave too, so we left after that."
"My sister texted me later to call me an a-hole for leaving before the candles were blown and for telling her child he won't get any more gifts from me. She said I shouldn't make empty threats to a child."
"I said that it's not empty and it's not a threat, it's a promise until they teach their kids some manners."
The OP was left to wonder.
"Am I wrong for discussing this when my nephew was present? Am l being unreasonable to him since he's young?"
"And would I be wrong in the future if I keep my promise and do not buy him a gift the next time we see each other? AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA.
"NTA. What he did was incredibly rude and hurtful, especially when he said one of his friends wouldn't be invited again. I don't care he is 8- the other kid was probably around the same age."
"I'm glad you're not enabling him. It's great if you buy people gifts- I'm a gift giver- but it's one way of showing love, and it's not a reason to be rude if the giver put effort into it." - FancyPantsDancer
"NTA"
"Discipline, done correctly, is helpful and formative. This is one of those occasions." - Any-Quantity-1370
"It's something he needed to hear. His parents treated it like it was a big joke and someone needed to tell him. NTA" - Philip_J_Fry3000
"NTA - your nephew will remember your advice and hopefully be grateful in the future."
"I would have stayed for the cake, though; he's still just a kid. It's a shame his parents didn't stop his gift ranking. So good that you did! Next year give him a card and $20." - mjoancg
"NTA."
"At 8, he should know a little better; how to say thank you as a matter of good manners. This is a parenting fail."
"And, if it continues, it's reinforcing a transactional way of thinking about relationships that will be very harmful to him in the long run."
"This is an issue of age-appropriate expectations. The parents should have taken the child aside and explained it to him."
"Taking his side, even as a joke, sends the wrong message. Your sister should be apologizing to everyone and working on manners." - Curious-One4595
"You were nice. My gift would have been coming with me."
"NTA" - Wrangellite
"NTA, that kid is lacking some discipline and common decency. The fact that the parents are making excuses for it is just awful, and they're raising an entitled brat."
"Your nephew has learned a valuable lesson, if he treats people poorly, then there will be consequences. Good on you for teaching him this when his parents could not." - ZebraCentaur
"INFO: Is your nephew Dudley Dursley? Are his parents named Vernon and Petunia? Have you checked for a gaunt cousin under their stairs?" - MortynMurphy
"NTA. In this case, you didn't overstep. His parents clearly aren't teaching him any morals or manners. In fact, quite the opposite."
"They are raising him to be a monster. Keep your promise. If your nephew approaches you about it, talk with him calmly and explain why."
"It is possible you can be an influence for good in his life. If he changes his attitude, then resume buying him gifts." - Asaneth
"NTA."
"There are some topics where relatives, friends, acquaintances, etc. shouldn't overstep because it's none of their business and doesn't affect them."
"This isn't one of them. He's treating people poorly, making other relatives and peers feel bad about themselves, etc."
"It would be concerning if you didn't say anything and ate up the praise from an 8-year-old." - foreverjen
"NTA. What an appalling thing for him to say. Even at eight, he should know better, and it's pretty clear who's been teaching him that nonsense."
"You responded considerably more calmly than I would have, and I commend you." - VoyagerVII
"NTA"
"A lack of gratefulness is a sour trait to have, and his parents are clearly teaching him this and enabling this behavior."
"You addressed this with him in a respectful, age-appropriate way and your sister calling you an a**hole clearly shows she has taught this behavior."
"You have no obligation to continue buying gifts for a child who hasn't been taught gratefulness, hopeful this will teach him a lesson that his parents fail to." - Otherwise_Carob9190
"NTA- you said the right thing, but it should have been the parents who said it. That being said, your problem should be more with the parents than the kid" - signupsthrowaways
"NTA"
"What the hell? Someday this kid will hurt people if he doesn't get his way with the attitude they're teaching him." - semmama
"NTA."
"dude, I would have grabbed the car and board game, then left with my mom."
"Your sis and her husband have some nerve to teach their kid this crap, then double down when the entire family and friends are humiliated and call them out."
"That kid is going to lose a lot of friends and partners because his parents are teaching him it's okay for him to be so selfish and entitled."
"He is 8yr. He's old enough to know that his words can hurt other people no matter their age. Look at what happened to your mom and his friend's feelings. Hurt all around."
"Don't give in until he learns to be more respectful because I doubt anyone kid there will want to go back to his birthday next year." - Intrepid-Database-15
"NTA. Aunt of the Year!" - owls_and_cardinals
"Man, my sister nearly passed out from shock and embarrassment when my nibling specifically came over to where we were sat to inform me how they liked takeaway from McD's better because they got a toy...after I'd rocked up with takeaway from elsewhere."
"I think she said 'INCORRECT. Tante didn't have to bring us anything, and we show appreciation rather than being greedy.'"
"Your nephew is a pupae goblin, and you are doing the minimum to illustrate how you won't tolerate it."
"Edited for vote: NTA" - Especially-Tired
Hopefully, this young man can learn some manners before he turns 9.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp