One of the hardships of parenting is knowing, logically, that you cannot protect your child from everything, while also trying to protect them from everything.
But kids will only learn, become their own person, and grow to be functional adults if they are allowed to have solo experiences, fail, and struggle, at least some of the time, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Zestyclose_Limit_306 and their wife were at a crossroads, now that their daughter was in middle school and was qualified to ride the school bus to and from school.
When their wife became convinced that their daughter's chances of being bullied would increase exponentially by riding the bus, the Original Poster (OP) decided to let their wife have her way, only if she did all of the driving back and forth, no matter what.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not taking my daughter to school in the mornings, and instead making my wife do it?"
The OP's daughter was allowed to ride the bus to and from her middle school.
"My daughter is 12 years old, and she qualifies for bus transportation, because her middle school is two and a half miles away, and anything over two miles qualifies. When we presented this to our daughter, she was happy to ride the bus."
"Her elementary was the same distance, and she rode the bus, but now my wife says she doesn't want her to ride the bus because she says bullying is possible, although there's never been any so far."
"For a little background, my wife didn't ride the bus growing up, she grew up poor, in a third-world country, and walked even in the cold or rain."
The OP did not agree with their wife's concerns about the bus.
"I told her I disagree, we are busy in the mornings as it is, and she likes to do her makeup for work, and I have my routine and like to sit back and enjoy my coffee before work as well. "
"I told her we could try the bus, and if anything happened, for our daughter to tell us, and we can put a stop to it and try and resolve it, and if it can't, then we can choose to do car pickup/dropoff then."
"She got mad, and so did I, so I said, 'Fine, if you choose to do the car, then YOU will be the one picking and dropping her off 100 percent of the time, no exceptions.'"
"She said, 'Yes, I will, don't worry about that.'"
After months of driving back and forth, the OP still refused to help their wife.
"Well, now she's burned out and wants me to drop her off because she doesn't have time to do her makeup and is mad that I'm sipping my coffee while she's scrambling in the mornings."
"She has also called me to pick her up on my way back from work, to which I've said NO."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that, at the end of the day, what mattered most was what the daughter wanted to do, and the middle-schooler was happy to ride the bus.
"NTA. Your daughter’s opinion matters here more than yours or your wife’s. She’s 12 years old- it’s still young, but old enough to have control in situations like these."
"Your wife either had an awful middle school experience and is projecting that onto your daughter, or is being overprotective."
"If she wants your daughter to be driven to school, let her take her. It’s sad, though, I took the bus in grade school and high school. I made friends, strengthened friendships, and generally had a good time on the bus." - starry_nite99
"I took the bus through middle school and had super good friendships because of that. Your daughter may want to be a part of that, and her opinion matters." - Low-Veterinarian2131
"The daughter's opinion matters more than her parents' given the situation."
"Part of parenting is gradually letting go and allowing our kids to make decisions over their life. OP states there is no bullying going on, and the daughter is okay with taking the bus. Taking the bus allows for socialization, or at least possible socialization, since everyone is always on their phones."
"You can’t shield kids forever, and OP’s wife seems to want to do that." - languid_disaster
Others agreed but wanted to dig deeper into what made the OP's wife feel this way about bullying, specifically on the bus.
"...if it's going to happen, it will happen regardless of the bus, unfortunately."
"If she could get bullied for riding the bus, she would get bullied for having her parents drive her to and from school, too."
"Bullies don't really follow any internal logic. That's just a ridiculous argument." - Belgara
"I think you may want to ask your wife if she was bullied in middle school. She might be anxiously trying to keep her daughter from having the same bad experience she did. Bullying can happen at any grade and time."
"Although I will say, the bus does have some concerning extra factors. Bullied in a classroom or other location at school, and in theory, they can just tell a teacher or walk away. The bus, on the other hand, and the student only has an adult who can't even leave their seat, and cannot leave the area because they need to get home."
"The bus is the most logical solution to everything. It's just that getting your wife to yield means addressing her concerns and getting her to open up more." - CoolCyberCat
"It sounds like your wife had a really tough time on the school bus as a kid and is projecting her fears onto your daughter..."
"Is it an option for her to take the bus two or three days a week for a while, and have your wife drive her the other days? Or one could pick up and one could drop off, and then involve the bus?"
"That way, your wife will have a side-by-side comparison of how mornings and afternoons can be when she's not driving your daughter, and it's a good way to 'test the waters' so your wife doesn't feel like you're throwing your daughter to the wolves 5 days a week." - atropos81092
"As someone who grew up walking to school, I occasionally got jealous watching other kids get picked up. The bullying idea may just be an excuse because your wife really wants to provide her daughter with the comfort she wishes she'd had as a kid." - chrisjozo
"It sounds like your wife has probably got some past experience that she's carrying into her parenting. There must be a reason why she's so convinced that the middle school bus is not safe. If she is coming from a highly emotional place of trauma, then engaging in a battle of the wills is unlikely to be particularly productive. Yes, you are entirely justified in insisting that your wife is the one to chauffeur your daughter to school every day."
"However, it's likely much healthier for your entire family if you try to work with your wife to get to the bottom of this fear. Your daughter certainly isn't going to benefit from your wife and you engaging in a battle of the wills over who has to transport her." - OhCrumbs96
Some focused on an underlying problem, which was that the OP was trying to prove a point. While they were technically "right," being "right" had solved nothing.
"Interesting... While you two are pissing and moaning and trying so hard to be right, your daughter is growing and changing with thoughts of her own that you are both giving up moments to share and hear. My kids are grown. I have school-age grandkids now. Their elementary school is two and a half blocks from our house."
"Let me tell you, from grades kindergarten through fifth grade, I walked both kids to school and both kids home from school. Although it was healthy for me, what I really got from the experience was learning about their day, hearing their thoughts, and watching them happily skip along beside them."
"After this year, one kid will be in high school and one in middle school, miles away. I am going to miss my moments with them, but I have watched them grow into kind, active, and happy little people with confidence and great critical thinking skills. You can bet that as opportunities present themselves, I will still engage."
"But for God's sake, quit wasting this time with your daughter. One day you will be begging for it." - Big-Excitement-5090
"NTA, but you might want to give your wife a way to reverse her decision while saving face (assuming the two of you do want to get on)."
"It's quite possible this was meant well on her side, and now she feels unsupported and feels like she needs to defend the decision."
"I'd consider a sit-down chat where you talk through the potential issues and mitigations and come to a conclusion, preferably along the lines of 'let's do a trial-run with the bus, and see what [daughter] thinks.' You could also point out that taking the bus can be a way of making friends" - Mysterious_Year_4511
"Have you asked your wife why she’s afraid of the middle school bus? Like, did she have a bad experience? My husband was basically tortured on the bus as a kid, so he doesn’t want our kids riding it. Unfortunately, due to his schedule, all the picking up and dropping off falls to me, but I stay home, so it’s my 'job.' It’s very much a trauma response on his part, and while I think the kids would probably be fine, we’re a team, so I do it."
"Some factors are that we live rurally, so our bus route is ridiculously long, and it’s fifth to twelfth. He had no problems with the elementary bus, but the older kid bus is wild."
"Personally, I think the 'I absolutely refuse to help you with things, even though I don’t agree with them' isn’t a great attitude in a marriage- people are weird, everyone has strange hangups about stuff, different preferences, etc., so 'I will do nothing' is… s**tty."
"She called you to ask you to pick up once, if I understand correctly, and you said no. That’s doing nothing from my perspective."
"And your compromise was that she rides the bus until something happens. That’s not really a compromise. That’s 'get over yourself.' Anxiety about things isn’t super rational, and helping deliver or pick up your kid to school to help your wife, whom you presumably love and respect, feel less anxious about something is really not that serious."
"But proving a point, and your coffee-sipping mornings are more important to you, I guess. And I’m going to just point out that wearing makeup is generally expected of women in professional settings- walking around bare-faced isn’t generally accepted."
"We operate on a two-yes, one-no system in our home, so if one parent feels strongly about something being a 'no' for the kids, then it’s a no. Your wife feels a strong no about the bus- is it rational? Probably not, but s**t does happen on school buses, because there’s very limited supervision." - Additional-Bus7575
"ESH. Your wife was wrong. You were right. The bus would have been a better option. The morning and afternoon pickups are indeed too much of a hassle."
"Congratulations! You win the 'I'm Right' Award!!
"Meanwhile, your wife is struggling and is unhappy. She's asking you for help, and instead of lifting a finger, you're hitting her with a big fat 'I told you so.'"
" Your daughter is old enough to understand what's going on. How do you think she feels, seeing you double down on being right, instead of stepping up and helping? Do you think she'd rather have a dad who was right, or a dad who steps up for his family?" - Devourerofworlds_69
While the subreddit could understand why the OP saw their wife's reaction as an overreaction and felt that nothing would likely happen on the bus, they ultimately felt that the fault lay with the OP, who was so insistent on being right. They were jeopardizing their parenting, their partnership with their wife, and potentially even their wife's work, depending on how dependent her work was on appearances and timeliness.
Proving they were right had already been done, but with less than a few months of the school year left, it was likely time to let that argument go.
