in ,

Guy’s Decision To Drunkenly Try Anal Sex With His Wife For The First Time Hilariously Backfires

Lena Mirisola/GettyImages

A man recently claimed drunken sex was “so much better than sober sex.”

Redditor DJ_DirtyMike and his wife were intoxicated and consequently open to exploring new positions and different techniques while doing the hanky panky.

When his wife surprisingly asked to try anal intercourse, he was all in. Or so he thought.

He shared what ended up happening during that calamitous night in the “Today I F’d Up” (TIFU) subReddit:

“TIFU by trying anal with my wife”

The Original Poster (OP) promised to refrain from getting into dirty details from the night.

“Obligatory this happened roughly a year ago. I will try to make it as least vulgar as possible.”

“So the wife and I had been drinking (heavily I should add) while we were playing cards. It was a Friday night and we had both just got off of work and we just wanted to have a nice and relaxing night.”

“We have a 3 year old (2 year old at the time) and he was acting rambunctious so we decided it was time to call it a night and put him to bed.”

“So after getting him to bed, we get in our bed and start fooling around. Now, I don’t know what it is about drunk sex, but it is so much better to me than sober sex.”

“We are trying all new positions, techniques, etc. Trying things I didn’t think I ever would try in the bedroom.”

“So while in doggy style she whispers ‘Put it in my butt.’ ‘For real?’ I said as I was already getting in position to. She said yes, just be easy.”

“So I carefully try to put it in there. And it was great. I can finally finish in her and not have to worry about wearing a condom or pulling out.”

GIPHY

“We finish and I look at her and say, That was amazing. I can’t believe you let me do that. She says, What do you mean? I told you to put it on my butt but you never did. That’s right guys. I was so drunk that I thought I was in her butt, but I was not. And I finished in her.”

“About a week later she has her period so I am thinking we are all good. I tell her it is for the best because there’s no way we can afford having two kids right now.”

“Week two comes around and suddenly she doesn’t feel to well and calls out of work because she is very nauseous. Yeah, you guessed it, pregnant. I got my wife pregnant by having what I thought was unprotected anal sex.”

“Skip to today, we have two amazing kids who I wouldn’t trade the world for. And a sweet and loving wife who cherishes those kids more than life itself.”

Strangers on the internet had various things to say—including one-liners.

“Before you nut, make sure it’s her butt. Got it.” – MistakesTasteGreat

“Ah the ol’ vagina-switcharoo.” – whatcouldgw

“This might be the first time I’ve heard a story of accidental vaginal.” – polkcat

“If the kid grows up to be a trouble maker then your wife might complain to you that if you had only been a pain in her ass that night you wouldn’t have the kid being a pain in her ass now, which would something.” – AdvisesPTTs

“No pain, child gain.” – atehate

“100% expected a poop tsunami.”

“0% expected such a wholesome post.” – snack_champion2316

“Nothing wrong with being an accident! What you don’t want to be is a mistake.” – kaatie80

The story also provided an opportunity for anagrams.

“If it’s a boy, name him Alan. Lana if it’s a girl.” – ShooterMcMuffin

“That child’s name? Ana L.” – berniemax

Some things should be kept confidential.

“Whatever happens, do not tell your kid he’s the result of a failed anal penetration.”

“I’ve got a friend who was supposed to be an anal penetration, his parents drunkenly told him, he’s still trying to get over it.” – Faethien

“When people think their life has meaning, and then have to deal with the reality that their very existence was due to papa’s inability to find the butthole.” – Basquests

GIPHY

“I mean, it’s right there! Kind of like shooting fish in a barrel but you miss the whole barrel :(” – Faethien

“But still end up smelling like fish.” – ashesall

“You were nothing more than a twinkle in your mom’s brown eye.” – S_A_R_K

The OP updated his post with more information.

“Guys I haven’t been on reddit long at all and this is the first time I have ever posted anything on here. I can’t believe it has gotten as many upvotes as it has.”

“To clarify a few things up though. We had a boy. Also, I didn’t expect so many of you to be so insulting about this post. Good thing I’m tough skinned I guess. But yes, this is a very true story. I love both my kids very much. And NO, I WILL NOT TELL MY KIDS THIS STORY.”

“You are f’king crazy to think otherwise. Hope I was able to make some of you laugh with it. I know I sure get a kick out of it now!”

While the OP’s anecdote succeeded in providing amusement for the casual Redditor, it may also serve as a cautionary tale against drunk diving.

Written by Koh Mochizuki

Koh Mochizuki is a New York-based actor and writer. Originally hailing from Los Angeles, he received his B.A. in English literature and is fluent in Japanese. Disney parks are his passion, and endless cups of coffee are a necessity. Instagram: kohster Twitter: @kohster1